The Shivering Truth2018

Doctor:
Sorry for the wait, Mr. Lawson. We got your results and I'd better be quick because you only have about 34 seconds to live.

Mr. Lawson:
So I was --

Doctor:
Excuse me.

Mr. Lawson:
Did you say --

Doctor:
34 seconds. Starting...now!

Mr. Lawson:
Are you saying I'm gonna die?

Doctor:
Oh, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, what you have is much worse than death. It's sorta like...death squared. It's called "Consta-Death."

Mr. Lawson:
Consta-Death?

Doctor:
Oh, you've heard of it.

Mr. Lawson:
Not really.

Doctor:
Oh. Well, Consta-Death, you'll be dying once every few seconds for the rest of your life.

Mr. Lawson:
So I will be alive?

Doctor:
Not exactly. The only treatment is to pledge eternal division to my proprietary genetic hybrid of Hinduism and cheese. It's medicinal reincarnation therapy.

Mr. Lawson:
I'm lactose intolerant.

Doctor:
It doesn't matter. Just pled eternal devotion to it -- Quick!

Mr. Lawson:
Okay, okay! How?

Doctor:
Sign here. Hurry! Chim, chim! Chop-chop! Now!

[After signing the contract for his death, Mr. Lawson's head turns into a cheetah and many other kind of animals]

Mr. Lawson:
Uh...wow. Uh, uh...

Doctor:
Well, your new faith is up and running. How do you feel?

Mr. Lawson:
It feels a little weird, but --

[turns into a duck]

Mr. Lawson:
It beats being white.

[laugh track that comes out of nowhere]