The Shivering Truth2018

[Angus calls the Operator]

Angus:
Okay, ready? You can do this. Here we go.

Operator:
911. What's your emergency?

Angus:
I was jogging on the beach, and I found the body of a stranger who I've never seen before in my life!

Operator:
Is the person dead?

Angus:
Oh, she better be. I-I mean, she looks like she's been shot by a lover.

Operator:
Can you describe the victim?

Angus:
Uh, let's see. Uh, well, she's not the kind of woman that I would be attracted to. Just not my type. Besides, I'm married. I got a kid, too, but that wouldn't be a deal breaker 'cause he's such a chode.

Angus:
In fact, when I dropped my kid off at school today, he's whining at me, like, "Oh, I hope don't embarrass myself at show and tell today." I seriously had to stop myself from blasting a snot rocket in his frickin' mouth just to see the tweaked-out look on his stupid puss.

Operator:
This kid of yours sounds like a real piece of garbage.

Angus:
[laughs] Yeah. Sounds like you've met the boy.

Operator:
No, but I hope when he's in front of the class today he wets his pants.

Angus:
Oh, yeah, lady? Well, I hope he solids his face.

Operator:
[laughs] His classmates oughta call him "Solid Face". Seriously. They should start doing that today.