The King of Staten Island2020

Kelsey:
See that guy is what is wrong with Staten Island. We don’t get any of the cool people from any of the other boroughs. No one comes here. We’re stuck with the pricks who live here.

Oscar:
You’re talking about us, right in front of us.

Kelsey:
Kind of. I mean no one comes here! There’s no flow of people. That guy’s like two hundred. We’ve known him since we were six.

Tara:
Why can’t this be like Brooklyn?

Kelsey:
There’s no reason we shouldn’t be cool like Brooklyn. We’ve got amazing views. It’s close to the city. It’s cheap. Nice people. It makes no sense.

Scott:
We’re like the only place New Jersey looks down on. You could see the garbage dump from space. This place is never gonna change.

Kelsey:
No. It happened to the Meatpacking District, the Village. Brooklyn used to be a shithole. We’re next. I’m gonna take my civil service test. I’m gonna work for the city in city planning. You watch, this place is going to be f***ing Williamsburg in ten years.

Richie:
Nobody wants that.

Scott:
Why do you wanna work in the city and do city planning? That sounds so boring.

Tara:
I feel like Brooklyn is better. I dated a guy that lived in Brooklyn. He was a mixologist. He made ice cubes out of milk. He was so classy.

Oscar:
Shut up.

Kelsey:
I love Staten Island. It’s amazing. And people are gonna see it soon. Trust me.

Scott:
If you love it so much, why don’t you let me tattoo it on you?

Kelsey:
No, I’m not letting you tattoo me again.

Scott:
Well I need somebody to tattoo. Come on Rich, what about you man?

Richie:
Don’t even look at me, dude.

Scott:
Why?

Richie:
[Points to tattoo of Obama tattoo on his arm] Your work is mad inconsistent. Obama ain’t right.

Scott:
I got the eyes wrong, okay?

Richie:
He’s not right! This has hurt me. I don’t have any black friends anymore. I can’t go to a barber shop no more. You got Obama wrong. Ain’t nothing worse than that.

Scott:
What about you, Igor? You want a dragon or something?

Igor:
I love your tattoos. My brother? It’s the spitting image. It’s my favorite. No this is my favorite. [Lifts his shirt to reveal a tattoo of a cat with his navel implied to be the anus]

Igor:
You killed that.

Scott:
I really worked hard on the eyes.

Igor:
He’s so cute. I love his butthole. It reminds me that I have a belly button. So I’m good.

Kelsey:
I gotta go. Watching you beg to give tattoos is too sad. And that’s freaking me out.