The King of Staten Island2020

[Kelsey is at a restaurant with her date Jake]

Jake:
I gotta be honest Kelsey, you look exactly like your picture. Or you’re thicker, more robust.

Kelsey:
Thank you. It’s a compliment. You look a little bit like Antonio Banderas if I squint really hard.

Jake:
Please squint all night long! That's great, you look, Chelsea, I mean- Kelsey. I'm sorry.

Kelsey:
That's alright. What's your name again?

Jake:
Um, it's Jake, [Scott appears clearing tables] sorry about that. So, uh, what do you do?

Kelsey:
I’m studying to work in the city. I want to make Staten Island a great place again.

Jake:
Staten Island’s already cool, what’re you talking about?

Kelsey:
Yeah it is. You’re the first person here to say that.

Jake:
It’s the best place on Earth. At least on the East Coast.

Kelsey:
[To Scott] Excuse me. Oh. Hey.

Scott:
Oh, hey. Hey.

Kelsey:
Hello. Hey.

Scott:
Would you guys want still or sparkling water?

Kelsey:
[To date] Um, you pick.

Jake:
I’m more of a sparkling guy.

Kelsey:
Sparkling it is.

Jake:
I do like tequila if I could get a Patrón with a rock?

Kelsey:
That’s fine.

Jake:
Tequila on rock. You guys want warm bread? Or olive oil.

[Kelsey gets offended, then gets up and walks off]

Deena:
Oh bro, did you scare off another customer? What's wrong with you?! [Scott takes off after Kelsey and Deena turns to Kelsey's date] I’m so sorry about that. He has like, nepotism, you know?

Kelsey's date:
Is that a disease?

Deena:
Yeah. It’s a bad one.

...

Kelsey:
I brought that guy here to make you jealous so that you could give a f***!

Scott:
To make me jealous?!

Kelsey:
You don’t seem jealous or upset at all!

Scott:
I do care. Of course I care.

Kelsey:
I chose the hottest guy on Tinder. Look at me! Look at my tits. It’s literally the Eiffel Tower holding them up in there.

Scott:
You look great.

Kelsey:
Thank you.

Scott:
Please don’t cry here. Please.

Kelsey:
You look awful.

Scott:
What do you mean?

Kelsey:
Your skin looks see-through and the circles around your eyes are so dark you look like an anorexic panda.

Scott:
I know I do.

Kelsey:
You always look sick and pale like you have a disease but you don’t know it yet. You literally look like if I touched you, you’d just turn to dust.

Scott:
I’m sorry. I’m not doing very well.

[Kelsey starts leaving]

Scott:
What do I tell your date?

Kelsey:
Tell him to f*** off. I met him ten minutes ago. He’s a DJ.