Eagleheart2011

Milliner:
Welcome to Gormely's may I show you some hats?

Susie Wagner:
We're wondering what's going on with all the fedoras we're seeing around town lately.

Chris Monsanto:
Spill it.

Milliner:
Fedoras? Well, I'd be happy to tell you all about them right after I pour a nice cold glass of acid down my throat.

Susie Wagner:
Wait! Could you just tell us what's going on and then kill yourself afterwards?

Milliner:
Fine. What you know as fedoras are actually an ancient race of parasitic sea creatures. They disguise themselves as hats and latch onto the heads of unsuspecting humans. The fedora burrows into the host's brain and turns them into a total a**hole.

Beach Woman:
Where did you get that hat?

Beach Man:
Where did you get that mouth?

Beach Woman:
...

Milliner:
Scientists have dated them back to cavemen times. The last outbreak was during the rat pack era. Millions of kind, intelligent men were turned into insufferable pricks, real pieces of sh*t.

Milliner:
They were more or less eradicated 50 years ago, but something must have awakened them.

[Chris had a flashback]

Chris Monsanto:
Tidal wave.

Milliner:
Now, if you don't mind...

[as Milliner starts to sizzle, the scene paused]

Director:
Cut! Okay, let's bring in the funny skeleton.