Archer2009

Malory Archer:
To wit, once again you're off on one of your usual self-pitying benders.

Sterling Archer:
It's not a usual one, Mother. In case you forgot, I was forced into becoming a parent against my will.

[Archer's room is a mess:
empty drink containers, food containers, and clothes strewn around the room, frames hanging askew on the wall along with splatter stains and hand prints; a golf cart and a complete bunch of bananas just inside the door; and a baby muntjac]

Malory Archer:
[scoffs] Join the club. But for god's sake, six weeks is long enough.

[muntjac barks]

Sterling Archer:
Really? It's been six weeks?

Malory Archer:
Yes, so sober up and get some penicillin shots, because...

Lana Kane:
Is that Archer?

Sterling Archer:
Is that Lana?

Lana Kane:
[simultaneously] Let me talk to him.

Sterling Archer:
[simultaneously] Let me talk to her.

[Malory holds the phone away from Lana]

Lana Kane:
[loudly so the phone could pick her up] So, why'd you run away when you were so excited about being a father when A.J. was born? Did reality set in?

Sterling Archer:
I- Wait, was that rhetorical?

Sterling Archer:
[feeding the muntjac a banana] Because the next time you decide to use somebody's sperm to impregnate yourself, then maybe *that* decision should *include that other somebody*!

[muntjac barks, leaps away, and crashes into something]

Lana Kane:
Who? "That other somebody" who runs away at the thought of responsibility and, as we speak, is up to his eyeballs in cobra whiskey and ladyboy hookers?

Sterling Archer:
[laughs] Oh, that is- that is...

[Archer notices he's about to take a swig from the bottle of said cobra whiskey]

Sterling Archer:
You don't know me!

Lana Kane:
Ha!

[twittering laughter is heard coming from the bathroom]