Delocated2008

[while Susan says her moments with Fake Jon, the Real Jon shows up to the funeral]

Susan:
What the f***?

Jon:
No, please, keep talking. Those are the nicest things you've said about me in months. [sees a cardboard of himself] Hello, me. And hello to everybody. STILL ALIVE! How's it feel? Camera in your face -- How do you feel now? Do you like this? A-hole. Can't do anything without being followed by a camera. You can't even coze out with your gal -- Wrap myself up in that smokin' bod. Camera's -- Sweetheart, I'm just making a point. Your body's awesome. It's insane, and I can't enjoy it with cameras around. IT SUCKS, and I'm sick of it. And now you know what it's like to be me. Now you're me. You're me, and you're all -- You're ALL me.

Susan:
WHAT?! YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF! YOU ASKED FOR THIS. YOU DRAGGED DAVID AND ME INTO THIS STUPID SHOW WE NEVER WANTED TO DO, ANYWAY.

Jon:
Don't you dare make this about you. How selfish -- A man is dead, [to Fake Jon] And you're gonna start making this about yourself. Want to tell you about this guy.

Jon:
His name is Mark. He used to own a rollerblading store, drove a , uh, Dodge Durango...candy-apple red.

Jon:
Yeah, so, then -- Then, his wife, now ex-wife, jets off to Mexico with her new greek boyfriend.

Jon:
So, then I told him about, uh, Nicky's Grinders, and he already heard of it. Like, "Dude, I get the number 4".

Jon:
So, yeah, okay, fine. Want to be pissed off at me? Go ahead. You can be pissed off at me for the rest of your life. Right now, there's a man behind me that needs a funeral, and a proper one at that.