Saturday Night Live1975

Dan Aykroyd:
Uh... authorities have issued a marijuana alert, because... uh... in fact, much of it has been sprayed, under orders of the U.S. Health Department, with the deadly herbacide Paraquet. Uh... an easy test is now available to find out whether or not marijuana does contain Paraquet. As a public service, we sent correspondent Garrett Morris... uh... uptown to... uh... see if... uh... we could get some dope, so we could show you how to test it. Uh... you have the stuff?

Garrett Morris:
Uh... yeah...

Dan Aykroyd:
Okay...

[slips Garrett the money as the marijuana is slipped to him]

Dan Aykroyd:
Here's some bread... Now, please, in no way does this mean that we at Weekend Update advocate the smoking of marijuana. It's just that a survey shows that 90 per cent of our viewers smoke it daily. So, it's for that minority that we're doing this test.

[examines the bag of marijuana uncomfortably, turns to Garrett]

Dan Aykroyd:
This looks really light...

Garrett Morris:
No, man, it's cool.

Dan Aykroyd:
It's light, give me the rest of the lid, man.

Garrett Morris:
Look, it's clean, man... no seeds, no stems, that's all.

Dan Aykroyd:
It's light, it's under, it's under...

Garrett Morris:
Man, I can't go back up there, man, okay? Those guys scare me.

Dan Aykroyd:
I'm sorry, Garrett, but that's the third you've short-changed us. Everybody here's gonna get really mad...

Garrett Morris:
Please, man, don't make me go back up there. They're gonna beat me up again, man, I know...

[inches away from the Update desk]

Dan Aykroyd:
We'll show you that test later. You see, to perform it, you need a complete ounce. Not three-quarters or seven-eighths, but a complete ounce! Sorry to take up your time.

Dan Aykroyd:
[later on] Uh... recent bulletin. This just in: Garrett Morris is dead. What appears to have been a drug-related incident, eight youths fatally shot the late Update correspondent at a mid-town playground. Another Paraquet-related death, Jane.