The Thick of It2005

Malcolm Tucker:
[Tucker's 8:30 meeting] Morning, morning, morning. Allright, I wanna have a little bit of a think about some of our presentation issues with regard to yesterday. There seemed to be a bit of a problem with Liam on Newsnight. I would like to know why did we have a Minister on last night who did not appear to know the lines?

Steve:
It's not all his fault, Malcolm. We grilled him beforehand. He's got a new baby, he's not getting enough sleep.

Malcolm Tucker:
I don't care if he's got a new baby. I don't care if he's tired. He looked like he didn't know what he was f***ing talking about! No, I know he doesn't know what he's f***ing talking about, but he's got to appear as if he does, right? And that is your job! [points to everyone in turn] And your job! And yours and yours and yours and yours! With all your respective Ministers! Give them the lines, right?

Robyn Murdoch:
Give them all the lines to say.

Malcolm Tucker:
This is the delightful Robyn, she's just with us today, standing in for Terry Coverley at the Department of Social Affairs, so let's be gentle with her, please. No remarks about the Department of Stuffed Anuses, the Department of Stupid Announcements and the Department of Sod All! Right, next!

Robyn Murdoch:
Reshuffle?

Malcolm Tucker:
Yes, there is a pending reshuffle. I can see we're not gonna get anything past you! There was a young girl from DoSA, who helped herself to a samosa. No, next time I'll come up with something, just a bit of fun. Yes, the reshuffle, no, yes, definitely, we don't know anything. I don't know anything, so we can't say anything. But, you know, even if we did, we wouldn't, but we don't, so we both can't and won't. Right, next?

Steve:
What about Julius Nicholson? I've got it yesterday he was looking at the MoD taking over the UK security from the Home Office?

Malcolm Tucker:
See, that was flown by one of Nicholson's mob. I'm spending half of my time now dealing with that rubbish that Nicholson's putting out there!

Steve:
There's a Sunday piece in the pipeline about you and him not getting along. Just wondered if you've got a line.

Malcolm Tucker:
Yeah. 'Julius Nicholson is a hugely respected advisor. He now has a wide ranging brief and his blue-sky vision and helicopter-thinking will enable this government to go, in his own phrase, beyond delivery and beyond that'. That's the line, ok? And if he does stick his baldie head round your door and comes up with some stupid idea about policemen's helmets should be yellow or let's set up a department to count the moon, just treat him like someone with Helzheimer's disease, you know? Just say 'yes, that's lovely, that's good, we must talk about that later', ok?