The Thick of It2005

Malcolm Tucker:
You and me, Ollie, hey? I just realised that we're on the same boat, yeah? I mean, obvioulsy, I'm up on the bridge with the binoculars and the Richard Gere gear on, you're down in the engine room trying not to get bum-raped by a bunch of big lads with shovels, but, essentially, it's the same boat!

Oliver Reeder:
Sorry, what boat is... are we discussing?

Malcolm Tucker:
The thing is, people like you and I, Ollie, we need time, right?

Oliver Reeder:
Right.

Malcolm Tucker:
We need time to ease the transition from one regime to the next. And I've been hearing from a very nasty, very baldie little bug that we might not be getting the time that we need to make the alliances that we need to ease the transition.

Oliver Reeder:
Ok, so...

Malcolm Tucker:
I want the Opposition to make an announcement for me.

Oliver Reeder:
The Opposition?

Malcolm Tucker:
Yeah. I want them to announce the hiving off of immigration to a non-political executive body.

Oliver Reeder:
That's... that's the PM's legacy!

Malcolm Tucker:
Yeah.

Oliver Reeder:
But the Opposition... It's different party, Malcolm. I can't make them do things, even YOU can't make them do things.

Malcolm Tucker:
Where's all this education? Where does it normally go when it comes to this kind of moment?

Oliver Reeder:
I understand that it's [puts up one hand] this party and [puts up the other hand] this party and we're [indicates hands] this party and they're this party, and therefore how can I influence that?

Malcolm Tucker:
You take [puts up his hands the way Ollie did] this and this and you put it onto your bird's breasts, and you rub them and squeeze them very very gently, you get her into the sack, you bang her f***ing brains out, you make sure that she comes and you just give her the policy!

Oliver Reeder:
But I... I chucked her. In a kind of 'it's not you' it's me' sort of... but it IS you, you hideous, vacuous, slow b*tch from hell!

Malcolm Tucker:
I'm really not interested at all in your little tiff. Get round her, take your Barry White album and your lube and your f***ing policy folder!

Oliver Reeder:
Malcolm, this is really crossing the line!

Malcolm Tucker:
Don't start with the moral objections, you f***ing Blue Peter badge wearing ponce! Go and make a contribution to the f***ing Amnesty International! Go and buy a goat a whole village can f***, but you are doing this for me!

Oliver Reeder:
Malcolm! You're bullying me, and I dunno why you're bullying me...

Malcolm Tucker:
How dare you! How dare you! Don't you ever, EVER, call me a bully! I'm so much worse than that.