Two and a Half Men2003

[first lines]

Alan Harper:
[shouting on the phone] Do you just get up in the morning, and figure out ways to make me crazy? Is that what you do? You-you plot it out? "How can I make Alan miserable today? How can I reach into his chest, *rip* out his heart, and suck it dry?"

Charlie Harper:
Mom, or ex-wife?

Alan Harper:
[hand over phone] Ex-wife.

Charlie Harper:
Hi Judith!

Alan Harper:
Charlie says "Hello".

Alan Harper:
She says "Hi". [shouting again] You're evil and selfish! You know that?... No... no, no, I - I think that *is* a helpful comment! I pay you alimony, and child support, so that you can a nice house, a nice car, aaand every weekend free, because I've got Jake, and yet... you're telling me that *you* need a *vacation*!... Oh really?... Oh really. And what, exactly, is stressing you out, Judith? It is the weekly manicure? The housekeeper?

Charlie Harper:
The boob lift.

Alan Harper:
[phone] The boob lift?

Charlie Harper:
That you paid for.

Alan Harper:
[phone] That I paid for!

Charlie Harper:
And never got to see.

Alan Harper:
[phone] And never got to see!... No, no, no. You listen to me. I think you lead a damn fine life-style, that I work sixty hours a week to support. So if anybody needs a vacation, it's not you, it's me!... Alright then!... Good-bye.

Alan Harper:
[to Charlie] Uhm, Judith's going to Hawaii for a week... so Jake's staying here.

Charlie Harper:
[sarcastically] I'm shocked.