George Carlin:
I always hope that no matter how small the original problem is, it's gonna grow into bigger and bigger proportions that gets completely out of control, and I'll give you a concrete example. Let's say a water main breaks in downtown Los Angeles and it floods an electrical substation, knocking out all the traffic lights and tying up the entire city, and emergency vehicles can't get through. And at the same time, one of those month-long global warming heat waves comes along, but there's no air conditioning, there's no water for sanitation, so cholera, smallpox, and dysentery break out, and thousands of people start dying in the streets. But before they die, parasites eat their brains, and they go completely f***ing crazy and they storm the hospital, but the hospital can't handle all the casualties, so these people rape all the nurses and set the hospital on fire. And the flames drive them even crazier, so they start stabbing social workers and garbagemen. And a big wind comes along and the entire city goes up in flames. And the people who are still healthy, they get mad at the sick people and they start crucifying them; nailing them to crosses, trying on their underwear, shit like that. Then everybody smokes crack and PCP and they march on City Hall, where they burn the mayor at the stake, strangle his wife, and take turns sodomizing the statue of Larry Flynt. And at this point... at this point, it looks like pretty soon, things are gonna start to get out of control.
[laughter]
George Carlin:
So everybody panics and tries to leave the city at the same time. And they trample each other to death in the streets by the thousands, and wild dogs eat their corpses. And the wild dogs chase the rest of the people down the highway and one by one, the dogs pick off the old f***s and the slow people 'cause they're in the fast lane where they don't belong. Get the f*** out of the fast lane if you're an old f***, if you're a slow f***. Get over on the right. Get over on the right.
[laughter and applause]
George Carlin:
And then... and the lucky ones... the lucky people who manage to make it all the way outside of town, they discover when they get there that big sparks from the city have lit the suburbs on fire. And the suburbs burn uncontrollably, and thousands of identical homes have identical fires with identical smoke, killing all the identical soccer moms and their identical kids named Jason and Jennifer. And now... now the fire spreads to the farmlands, and the farmlands burn intensely at 425 degrees, creating millions of baked potatoes. And... as the farmlands burn... as the farmlands burn, thousands of barns and farmhouses begin to explode from all the hidden methamphetamine labs. And the meth chemicals run downhill into the rivers and streams, where wild animals drink the water and get completely geeked on speed. So bears and wolves, amped up on crank, start roaming the countryside looking for people to eat, even though they're not really hungry.
[laugher]
George Carlin:
And the fire spreads to the forests, and the forests burn furiously, and hundreds of elves and trolls and fairies come running out of the woods screaming "Bambi is dead! Bambi is dead!" And he is! He is! Finally that f***ing little cunt Bambi is dead! Dead! Now... now, hundreds of regional fires come together into one huge interstate inferno, and all twelve of the western United States are burning out of control, except Utah, where the Mormons don't allow fires. And then the fire spreads across the Great Plains, toasting the wheat, cooking the cattle and producing... hamburgers, actually. And it leaps to Mississippi, it races through the south, blowing up stills, interrupting lynchings, and killing millions of inbred people. And then it turns northeast and it heads for Washington, D.C., where George Bush can't decide if it's an emergency or not.
[raucous laughter]
George Carlin:
He can't decide this. He can't decide because Dick Cheney is in prison, so instead he takes a nap. He takes a nap. He puts his empty f***ing brainless head down on the little pillow his mother gave him at Christmastime and he takes a f***ing nap! So the fire moves to Philadelphia, but it's a weekend and Philadelphia's closed on the weekend, so the fire moves to New York City, and the people of New York tell the fire to go f*** itself!
[laughter and applause]
George Carlin:
"Go f*** yourself!" Yeah. And it does. Yeah. And it does. So instead it burns down Long Island and Connecticut, killing all the rich white assholes and completely destroying their evil, faggoty golf courses. And while all this is going on, Canada burns to the ground, but nobody notices. And now the entire North American continent is on fire, producing a huge thermal updraft and creating an incendiary cyclonic macrosystem that forms a hemospheric megastorm, breaking down the molecular structure of the atmosphere and actually changing the laws of nature. Fire and water combine, burning clouds of flaming rain fall upward, gamma rays and solar winds ignite the ionosphere, creating huge clouds of ionized plasma. Bolts of lightning twenty million miles long begin shooting out of the North Pole, and the sky fills up with green shit. And then suddenly, the entire fabric of space-time splits in two! A huge crack in the universe opens, and all the dead people from the past begin falling through. Babe Ruth, Groucho Marx, Davy Crockett, Tiny Tim, Porky Pig, Hitler, Janis Joplin, Allen Ludden, my uncle Dave, your uncle Dave. Everybody's uncle Dave. An endless stream of dead uncle Daves falling through the crack. And all the dead uncle Daves gather around a heavenly kitchen table; they light up cigarettes and they begin to talk. They talk about how they never got a break, how their parents didn't love them and their children were ungrateful. They talk about how the government screwed them out of money and they just missed out on a big job. They say the Jews own everything and the blacks get special treatment. And all the hatred and bitterness drips out of these people and forms a big pool of liquid hate. And the pool of liquid hate begins to spin. Round and round it spins, faster and faster, and the faster it spins, the bigger it gets. Faster and faster, bigger and bigger, until the whirling pool of hate is bigger than the entire universe and then suddenly it EXPLODES into trillions of tiny stars. And every star has a trillion planets, and every planet has a trillion uncle Daves. And all the uncle Daves have good jobs, perfect eyesight, and shoes that fit. They have great sex lives and free healthcare. They understand the Internet, their kids think they're cool, and they all love their neighbors. And every week, without fail, uncle Dave wins the lottery. For ever and ever 'till the end of time, every single uncle Dave has a winning ticket. And uncle Dave is finally happy. Now do you see why I like it when nature gets even with humans?
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