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[after Chris reads a note that was made by a different Chris, Chris investigates where the note come from, until Chris stop having sex with Brett's sister who is annoyingly moaning] Chris Monsanto: [to Tess] Listen, honey, um, how much more do we got to do here? Look, I think I've been set up okay? So why don't you just close your eyes and think about Maurice Chevailier or somebody like that, and...alright, clean up on aisle you. L'chaim baby. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 54 mins ago
[Chris read his own note] The Real Chris: "Dear Brett, hey, it's your old buddy Chris". Chris Monsanto: Wait a second. I didn't write this. The Real Chris: "When we go to the mill tonight for the big bust, do me a favor and wear the Adelman's Brand Magnet Belt I included with this letter. I just think you'll look absolutely fantastic in it". The Real Chris: "Yours truly, the Real Chris". Brett Mobley: "You got it, pal! Brett". – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 58 mins ago
[as Chris have sex with Brett's Sister, Chris visions having sex with Brett] Brett Mobley: I guess you were planning on telling her that you killed me after you were done boning her, YOU PIECE OF TRASH! – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 hour ago
Chris Monsanto: [talks about the McCallister Brothers] Yep. Theses guys were a-okay in my book -- The salt of the tops, cream of the jeans. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 hour ago
[after Dr. Gardner got banned form being a medical doctor for helping Chris mistakenly slicing open a fat man] Dr. Gardner: [types on a typewriter] "By the time you all read this, I will have committed my act. And the Marshals will pay for what they've done to me. I'm sorry, but I had no choice." [typewrite bell dings] Dr. Gardner: Wow. You know what? Just typing that, I feel a lot better. Maybe I won't do it after all. [then his note suddenly flies away out his window] Dr. Gardner: Oh, damn it! [as Dr. Gardner tries to catch the note he made, the note then flies to the Captain's office] Captain: [sees Dr. Gardner's note] Gardner's snapped. KILL ON SIGHT! – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 hour ago
Susie Wagner: I pulled some strings to get you guys out. Chris Monsanto: Great. Thanks, Suze. Susie Wagner: But I can't help you anymore after this. No more crime-fighting. And, Gardner, we're canceling your contract with the Marshal's office. Dr. Gardner: No! No, no, no! See, I need that money. I've got massive debts. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 hour ago
Chris Monsanto: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I give you the McCallister Brothers. [as Chris slices Willie's stomach, they're were no McCallister Brothers in there but just blood and guts] [then it cuts to the next scene where Chris and Dr. Gardner are in jail] Chris Monsanto: Still doesn't add up. Dr. Gardner: SHUT UP! SHUT YOUR F*ING MOUTH! SHUT IT! – Eagleheart** (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 hour ago
Chris Monsanto: You see, what you know as a fat man named Willie Dufresne is actually two small children in a fat suit. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 hour ago
Willie Dufresne: What are you doin', stretch? Chris Monsanto: Catching you fat-handed, red-ass. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 hour ago
Captain: Congrats, young lady. With Chris gone, thanks to you rattin, on him, you're being promoted to supervising Marshal. Susie Wagner: Really? I'm getting a promotion? Captain: Damn right. You keep it up and one day you'll be sitting on this side of the desk. [then Captain starts to get strangled by branches in his desk] – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 hour ago
[after Chris managed to get to his Bunk Number 2 bed after climbing the tallest bunk bed] Grandy: That'll stop when your body acclimates. Name's Grandy. I'm king of this bunk. Chris Monsanto: Chris. Guy: Heads up, boys! I'm dropping! Grandy: Back it up! [Guy screams as he gets out of the bunk bed and falls on the ground confirming his death] Grandy: Well, that's one way to get to the bottom -- Flop till you drop till you plop. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 hour ago
Lois: Welcome to the Miltford Arms. Sorry you wound up here. How can I help you? Chris Monsanto: Do you have any available beds? Lois: I can put you in bunk Number 2. No wailin' after 10:00. No sobbin' after midnight. And if you slit your wrists, please do it in the bucket provided. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 hour ago
Bratty Kid #1: What's the matter, Monsanto? You want to arrest us? Oh, right. YA CAN'T! Chris Monsanto: Oh, get away from me, you rotten little bastards. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 hour ago
Judge: Christopher Titus Monsanto, this panel has found you liable in the death of Brett Mobley. You are hereby stripped of your status as a U.S. Marshal and banned from all law-enforcement activity. Furthermore, you are ordered to vacate your Marshal-provided housing, and you should be required to carry on your person this disgracement gift -- A motorized wagging head, which will serve as a remind of your shame, until the day you die. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 hour ago
Announcer: Adelman's Bade-Seeking Bullets. 'Because they left you no choice". – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 hour ago
[after Susie notice all his Ap'p'pals puppets were made out of foam brains, Susie tells the truth about the lumber mill incident] Susie Wagner: [to Captain] I saw Chris killed Brett. Captain: [to Chris] RUN! [Chris tries to escape but was too late since the other Marshals got him surrounded] Captain: RUN, CHRIS! – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 2 hours ago
[Susie does Ap'p'Pals on live tv] Susie Wagner: "Oh, no! Dis money is-a made of starfish"! "What"?! "Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang"! "Aah! You killed me"! "Here comes a tidal wave"! [everyone on set and the kid watching the show at home were devastated by Susie's cringeworthy moments] Camera Guy: [vomits] Darren Fisher: You blew it, kid. You're no better than Shorteyes the Magnificent in my book. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 2 hours ago
[as Chris crushed Junkyard Steve with his crusher, Junkyard Steve was still alive when he was a flat cartoon character] Junkyard Steve: That's right, Chris. I had my bones removed. At first, it was just my ribs so I could blow myself. Found out the wife was cheating, thought I deserved a treat. Then I thought, "why not go all the way"? Now I can blow every part of me. I can even blow my nose, and not the way you're thinkin'. Get your mind in the gutter. Junkyard's Dog: [barks at Chris] Chris Monsanto: Okay. Alright. Easy, boy. Junkyard Steve: [to his dog] Attack! [then Junkyard's Dog betrayed him by biting Steve's arm floating away like a deflated balloon] Junkyard Steve: [floating away] IT WAS WORTH IT! – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 2 hours ago
Chris Monsanto: Do you remember that guy Lew? Craig Balmer: Yeah. He sliced me in half. Chris Monsanto: Yeah. Whatever. Well, if that loser crushed his wife, he had to have done it here. This is the only place with a crusher big enough for that cow. I'm assuming she's fat. She was a wife. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 2 hours ago
Craig Balmer: I made a mistake. Uh, I'm not gay. Uh, not for me. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 2 hours ago
Craig Balmer: Marshmallow. Marshmallow. Marshmallow! – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 2 hours ago
Craig Balmer: I am...a gay man. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 2 hours ago
[Chris meets the Guy in a Black Hat in the abandoned warehouse] Guy in a Black Hat: Now, I know we closed the Mobley case after Whitley's confession, but something just didn't sit right with me. So I went back...to the lumber mill. [Guy in a Black Hat turns on the lights in the abandoned warehouse showing the same wood chipper that Brett got chipped to death in] Chris Monsanto: [sighs] Okay, pal. Go ahead. Name your price. Guy in a Black Hat: Oh, that'll come later. But first, I really want to show you how I put it all together. Chris Monsanto: Can I tell you that's really not necessary? I-I'm not one for police work. Guy in a Black Hat: From the bullets that we recovered in the walls, I could tell that you and Brett were being fired on from two directions. And behind you... [turns on the chipper] ...was the wood chipper! [then the Guy in a Black Hat accidentally killed himself in the woodchipper] Chris Monsanto: [clicks his tongue as he walks away like nothing's happening] – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 2 hours ago
D'Alessandro: Chris, I got a message for you. Chris Monsanto: Who's it from? D'Alessandro: Uh, it didn't say. It just said to meet him at the abandoned warehouse at 4th and dumaine. Come alone. He'll be wearing a black hat. [chuckles] I-I don't know you do it. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 2 hours ago

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