Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, Series 1

Bomber:
Goin' out, Barry?

Barry:
No. None of us is. So we'd better vote what we're gonna eat.

Neville:
Well, there's not much choice, is there?

Barry:
Yes there is. We can have, er... [Checks the food cupboard] We can have sausage, egg and beans or sausage and egg, or, alternatively, egg and tinned tomatoes... on fried bread.

Oz:
Well why can't everybody just have what tha want?

Barry:
'Cos it don't work like that, does it? You've got to abide with the majority's consensus. Otherwise, what have you got? You've got anarchy! Look, can I have everyone's attention for the moment? [Takes Wayne's headphones off his head.]

Wayne:
Oi, do me a favour, mate...

Barry:
This includes you, Wayne.

Wayne:
What does?

Barry:
From my experience, what each hut needs is a leader. Last week when I was working in Mönchengladbach, we had a bloke in our hut called Sid Henderson. "Hacksaw", we called him. And he was, like, democratically elected our leader. That way, we avoided a lot of fruitless debate about who was going to have tinned tomatoes.

Oz:
I don't follow.

Barry:
You will in a moment, Oz. Now, for example, one night we all wanted to go to the pictures. Some of us wanted to see The Empire Strikes Back, albeit in German, and the other lads wanted to see a Swedish sex film. So it was it was up to Hacksaw, wasn't it?

Neville:
Why does it have to be up to anybody?

Barry:
Because it makes life much simpler in the long run. Aye, we were all unanimous about that anyway.

Wayne:
So, er, you're putting yourself forward, is that it?

Barry:
Oh, no, no. Not at all. There will be a democratic decision by consensus. [Carries on with his ironing. Wayne puts his headphones back on. Dennis enters the hut]

Bomber:
Hey, Dennis. D'you wanna be our leader?

Dennis:
What?

Bomber:
Barry reckons we needs a leader. Someone to make all the crucial decisions, like whether to have baked beans or fried bread.

Dennis:
Don't look at me.

Oz:
Well you didn't do a very good job with Neville, did ya?

Dennis:
What's that?

Oz:
Well, I'm just sayin'...

Dennis:
Just sayin' what?

Neville:
It wasn't Dennis's fault.

Dennis:
I'm just talkin' to Oz, Neville.

Oz:
Whose fault was it, then? He's the one that brought ya an' brought me an' all! Told me I'd be kippin' in a hostel. Instead I'm in a wooden hut with a bog 200 yards away!

Dennis:
Yer like a bloody kid, you, you need wetnursing.

Barry:
This is why we need a leader. To eliminate all this dissention.

Oz:
Yeah, well I don't reckon we need a leader what backs down in front of the Krauts!

Dennis:
[Getting angry] Backs down?

Oz:
Well, ya don't go asking them favours, man. You lay down the terms. Just remember, man, they need us more than we need them!

Dennis:
Oh, we don't need them do we not, eh? Why are we here, then? Come on! You complain about the conditions! You can't stand the Germans, so why are you here, Oz?

Oz:
[Shrugs] Makes a change.

Dennis:
"Makes a change"? Aye, makes a change from the dole queue, doesn't it? Look, man, we're here because we can't get work in England. You should be grateful for the Germans! It's thanks to them you've got money in your pocket, and having the dignity of knaing you've just earned it! I had precious little of that back in Birtley for the past four months, kickin' me heels, waiting for the pubs to open, pickin' up the bairns from school 'cos it was the wife who was earning. Aye, and watchin' her tryin' to make a decent meal out of tins!

Oz:
Aye, I must admit that was the other reason I left - get away from me wife's cooking. But at least ye divven't need to worry aboot that nae more, do ya?

Dennis:
[Angry] You what?! [Approaches Oz aggressively, but Bomber stands in his way]

Bomber:
Oi, take it easy, boy!

Dennis:
It's none of your business this, Bomber!

Bomber:
The harmony of this hut is everyone's business!

Oz:
Well what's he havin' a go at me for? It was a harmless enough remark, wasn'it? [Dennis backs down]

Neville:
It was pretty bloody tactless! You owe Dennis an apology, I reckon.

Oz:
Oh, I hope I haven't upset anybody, I'd be the first to admit it, I'm very sorry, I'm sure(!) All reet?

Bomber:
There y'are, Den. That's the nearest you'll get to an apology from a prannet like him. [A man with a Scouse accent, a suitcase and a round package in a paper bag enters the hut.]

Moxey:
Evening, lads.

Oz:
Who are ye?

Moxey:
The name's Moxey. The feller told me to come to Hut B.

Bomber:
You sure he said Hut B?

Moxey:
Oh aye, yeah.

Bomber:
I don't think so. Must be some mistake. Try the next one along.

Moxey:
Oh... Maybe I'd better check with the gaffer. Is it okay, like, if I leave me gear here for a minute? [He does so and leaves the hut.]

Dennis:
What d'ya say that for?

Bomber:
I reckon this hut's got enough problems as it is without adding to 'em.

Neville:
Must be the missing plasterer, eh? [Sees the round package] What do you reckon that is? [Approaches the package]

Barry:
Go and have a look. [Neville picks up the package and looks through a hole in the paper.]

Neville:
Oh ey, it's a dartboard!

Oz:
[Jumps up from his bed, opens the door and shouts outside] Hey! Moxey! Tha were right the first time, pal, this is your hut! [Moxey enters]

Moxey:
Haven't got any darts, though!