Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, Series 1

Oz:
[Looking out of the window] Well, that bastard still hasn't shown up!

Neville:
[Writing a postcard] He won't come now.

Oz:
And Magowan's still out there.

Bomber:
[Cleaning his shoes] Best he don't show up then, if that hard case Magowan's waiting for him.

Wayne:
[Drying his hair] Here, Bomber, what happened when that agent did a runner with your scratch?

Bomber:
We went short. We could've capped him at Berlin, I suppose, but... It'd probably have cost more than what he owed us!

Neville:
That's a disgrace! Have we nae protection against that kind of thing?

Dennis:
Course we haven't. We're on the lump, Neville.

Neville:
So what am I meant to tell Brenda?

Bomber:
Tell her what I told mine - the truth, and nothing but.

Neville:
Ah, I suppose so.

Bomber:
Course, she didn't believe me.

Neville:
I mean, Brenda counts on her money every Monday morning.

Oz:
Well, I count on mine every Friday night!

Dennis:
Look at it this way - if you stay in tonight, you save that much more.

Barry:
Very true, Dennis. Saving money's the reason we're all here, isn'it?

Oz:
Not for me it's not, mate!

Neville:
Well, it is for me. Brenda understands that.

Oz:
Well, Barry's not married! What's he savin' up for?

Barry:
I'm the sole source of income in my family, I am. Look, my old mum relies on my wage packet since my dad... [Chokes up a little] ...passed on, and what's left goes into my account at the West Bromwich & District Building Society, for my future.

Bomber:
The way you drives that motorbike of yours, I don't reckon you 'as much of a future!

Oz:
Look, I'm not bovvered about the future, man. I'm bovvered about Friday night, which is now, in case anybody's noticed!

Dennis:
Well alright, you'll miss one Friday night's bevvying, so yer can send the wife that little bit more, eh?

Oz:
"A little bit more"?! I divvn't send her nowt to begin with, man.

Neville:
You don't send her anything?

Oz:
Well, look, it's like Den said, isn'it? We're not workin' here officially, so wor Marjorie still cops for the Social Security. If I go sendin' money home, it's ganna jeopardise her benefits, isn'it? So what I make, I do in on a Friday and Saturday. If there's anything left, well.. I keep that for Monday.

Wayne:
[Now dressed up] You should learn to control your cash flow, Oz. I mean, if you had a more sensible fiscal strategy, right, I mean you'd make your bread last the week. And you'd be off down the Aldstadt like yours truly.

Dennis:
Well, I don't know how you manage, the amount of women you take out!

Wayne:
Well, this one's got her own car, ain't she? Well, that saves me the cab fare, don't it? And she's got her own place where she likes to prepare candlelit dinners for two. So all I've gotta do is fork out for a bottle of plonk, ain't I?

Barry:
We could learn a lot from you, we can, Wayne.

Wayne:
Fiscal strategy, son. 'Ere, Den, if Pfister does show up, collect me wages for us, will you?

Dennis:
Yeah, yeah.

Wayne:
Gotta go, lads. Catch you later! [Exits the hut.]

Oz & Neville:
Aye. Ta-ra.

Barry:
Ta-ra for a bit!

Bomber:
Have to reconcile ourselves to a night in, I suppose. In our little home away from home.

Oz:
Home?! More like a hospital ward since Moxey moved in! All we can smell is Vicks Vaporub and liniment and... God knas what.

Moxey:
[From under his towel] I heard that!

Oz:
Oh, yer in there, are ye?

Moxey:
[Pulls the towel back] It's not funny, you know, having inflamed bronchs!

Oz:
It's even less funny kippin' next to them! You sound like an asthmatic pit pony, man!

Moxey:
Oh, get out of my face, Oz! [Wraps the towel round his neck.]

Barry:
Oh come on, fair's fair. If it weren't for Moxey, we wouldn't have a dartboard, would we? Which'll help to while away the evening, won't it? Does, er, anybody want a go?

[There's a knock at the door, and Herr Pfister comes in, covered in gravel, and with a bloodied nose.]

Neville:
Mr. Pfister? Are you all right?

Dennis:
What's happened to yer nose?

Oz:
Have ya got me money?

Pfister:
I have, today, er... many problems on the Autobahn.

Dennis:
[Sits Pfister down] Take it easy, it'll be all right. Neville, get some hot water. What's happened? Have you had a car crash or something?

Pfister:
Nein, nein. This was your friend Magowan. He does not like it that I am late, I think. [Oz laughs.]