Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, Series 1

Oz:
Morning, campers! Rise and shine!

Neville:
[Waking up] Oz?!

Oz:
Well, it's not the Duke of Edinburgh, is it?

Barry:
[Waking up] I was fast asleep...

Oz:
Howay, Dennis, man! G'mornin'! Work to be done!

Dennis:
[Throws his bed covers off] Why din' ya pack it in, man!

Oz:
I'm back, man.

Moxey:
Thought you'd gone for good.

Oz:
Nah, yer can't get rid of me that easy, mate.

Bomber:
[Waking up] Oh, I'm dreamin' and havin' a nightmare, Oz has come back!

Oz:
Aye, certainly.

Wayne:
Where'd you spring from, then?

Oz:
Been back home, havven' I? Cadged a lift back home with the lads after the match. Well, why not, you know? Go back home, have a couple of pints with the lads in The Crow, see the wife...

Dennis:
Oh, you saw her did yer?

Oz:
Certainly. While I was back, I might as well sort her out.

Neville:
Aye, I heard you'd been back home.

Oz:
How's that, like?

Neville:
I was talkin' to Brenda, she told us.

Oz:
Ah well look, from now on, we'll just keep the wives' mafia out of our affairs, shall wa? 'Cos one of the good things is Marjorie doesn't know I'm in Dusseldorf. In fact, as far as she's concerned, it's the last place she'll think of lookin' for us! I'm not here, me, I'm the Invisible Man! [Checks his belongings]

Bomber:
Well I can't think of anyone less invisible than you, Oz!

Oz:
...Hey, where's me stereo?

Wayne:
Oh, I've got that, Oz.

Oz:
Well ask next time, eh?

Wayne:
No, it's.. it's mine now.

Oz:
What?!

Wayne:
Yeah, I sort of bought it.

Oz:
Nae ya didn't!

Barry:
Er, I think an explanation is in order. Err, Dennis...

Oz:
[To Dennis] Yer, well?

Dennis:
Well, Oz, it's, er... like this. Us lads, like, we thought we'd seen the last of you, yer kna. Thought you'd gone for good. So we said to worselves, "What shall we do with his stuff?"

Oz:
So what did you do with it?

Dennis:
Well, we went through your locker, you know, thinkin' you'd need the money. [Oz checks his locker] And the only things we found of any value were your donkey jacket, your digital clock and your stereo.

Oz:
And they're gone an' all! Where are they?

Dennis:
Well, eh, we had an auction, Oz.

Oz:
An auction?!

Barry:
It was a democratic decision. I've got the digital clock.

Moxey:
I got the jacket.

Wayne:
And, er, I got the stereo.

Oz:
[Looks round] What a bloody nerve!

Dennis:
No, wait a minute! Look, we weren't selling you short. I mean, we raised 230 quid! That plus yer three days wages came to nearly £400!

Oz:
[Flabbergasted] Oh that's not so bad, 'cos I can borrow a bit to get back! [To Wayne, pointing at the stereo] I'm buyin' that straight back, mate! [To the others] Where's me money?

Dennis:
Er... Well, the thing is, Oz, thinking you'd need the money, like, yer kna, we, er... sent it home.

Oz:
Home?! But I'm here, man! What's ganna happen to it?

Neville:
[Smirking] Well, I think your wife'll find a use for it!