Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, Series 1

Moxey:
When I got back from the quack's, you'd all gone. Except Wayne. He was 'ere, doin' his hair. Then I went to get me prescription. Then I went to... bed. [Sneezes into a hankie.]

Dennis:
Did anybody come in while you were in bed?

Moxey:
I was flat out, wasn't I? Well, most of the time. I think someone come in, but I might have been dreaming. I've got a temperature, you know. I'm not a well m... man! [Sneezes again]

Oz:
So you were just here on your own?

Moxey:
...What are you gettin' at?

Oz:
I'm just sayin'.

Moxey:
No, you're not.

Oz:
Well, what's up wi' you?

Moxey:
I know what you're sayin'!

Bomber:
Look, boyo, you've not been in this hut long. The rest of us have. We're all mates, like.

Moxey:
So what? I've known mates rip each other off.

Oz:
Not these lads!

Moxey:
If I wasn't sick, I'd have you outside by now.

Oz:
[Getting riled up] Ah, d'you reckon, do yer?

Dennis:
All right, hold your horses! Nobody's accusing anybody. We're just trying to establish the facts.

Barry:
That's right, Dennis. [Wayne enters the hut. The others turn towards him.]

Wayne:
Moxey died, has he?

Oz:
You're back early.

Wayne:
Well, I didn't pull. I mean, it does happen. I spend enough on her, though. Present, Chinese lunch, or was it Indonesian? I can't remember. It cost enough, though, I tell you that.

Oz:
Flush, are ya?

Dennis:
Oz...

Wayne:
Well it was down to you lot, weren't it?

Dennis:
What's that supposed to mean?

Wayne:
Pontoon, weren't it? [Notices them all staring at him] 'Ere, what's the word? What's goin' on?

Moxey:
He... he was here, with that old hairdryer. And when I left, he was still there.

Wayne:
What's he on about?

Dennis:
There's been some money took, and a watch.

Wayne:
When?

Dennis:
Today, sometime.

Wayne:
No! Well, whose?

Neville:
My cash, Oz's watch. Nobody else has found anything missing.

Wayne:
[Turns to his locker] I'd better check.

Oz:
No, maybes we should do that.

Wayne:
...You what?

Oz:
Check yer tackle.

Wayne:
Well, what a prick I am(!) An' I thought you were my mates. It's my second surprise today, ain't it?

Dennis:
We're not sayin' nothin', Wayne.

Wayne:
Nah, not much. you're just pointing the finger at me though, ain't ya?

Dennis:
We'll just check your things. You've nothing to hide, right? It just clears the air, doesn'it?

Wayne:
Does it? I mean, have you checked everybody else's things?

Dennis:
No, not yet.

Wayne:
Nah, nor ever likely, either. Bloody naffin' Geordie Mafia! Butter wouldn't bloody melt, would it?

Dennis:
Come on now, Wayne. Look, it just simplifies things, doesn't it, eh? Look, we're not tryin' to prove that one of us did it, we're just verifying the fact that none of us did. We'll look at everybody's things, mine included.

Neville:
[Steps forward] Look, I'm not sayin' it's you, Wayne.

Wayne:
Yeah, not much(!)

Neville:
None of us are!

Wayne:
And I'm supposed to buy that, eh? You bloody Geordies, you think you're God's gift don't ya?

Bomber:
Why are you getting in such a lather?

Neville:
Wayne, listen...

Wayne:
[Pushes Neville away aggressively] Listen? Bollocks!

Neville:
I'm just sayin'...

Wayne:
[Angry] You've said enough as far as I'm concerned!

Neville:
Look! [Wayne pushes Neville again] Hey, pack that in!

Wayne:
[Gets in Neville's face] Yeah? Or what?!

Dennis:
That's enough!

Wayne:
[To Dennis] I'm askin' him! [To Neville] Or what?!

Neville:
Just don't shove me!

Wayne:
Oh, piss off, man! [Neville swings to hit Wayne. Wayne ducks, and Neville hits Wayne's locker door, injuring his wrist.]

Dennis:
[To Wayne] For God's sake, man! Pack it in!

Wayne:
He swung at me, man!

Oz:
Ah, you provoked him.

Wayne:
But what are you lot doing to me, eh?

Neville:
[Holding his wrist] Shite, I'm bleeding!

Dennis:
[Picks up a shirt from the ironing board and gives it to Bomber] You're all right, bonny lad. Just wrap that 'round it. [To Wayne] Look, this is crazy, man!

Wayne:
You wanna check my things? Go ahead. But I tell ya that's it!

Dennis:
What's that supposed to mean?

Wayne:
You don't trust me, do ya? You just go and look! But I tell you what, I'm shippin' out, mates(!) I'd rather bed in with the Turks than stay with you lot!

Barry:
They can look in my things any time they like.

Wayne:
That's not the point, man!

Dennis:
No, look, he's right. It isn't the point. Look, just forget about it, alright, Wayne? Nobody will look in anybody's things.

Moxey:
I've been delirious. I dunno who's come in.

Bomber:
What are we gonna do then, Den?

Dennis:
I dunno. Look, if what's been taken is on this table first thing in the morning, then we'll forget about it. Right? It'll never be mentioned again.

Barry:
[Goes over to Neville] Er... Neville? Could I have me shirt back, please? You know, when you've finished with it, like. [Walks away.]

Wayne:
[Sits opposite Neville] Are you okay?

Neville:
I'll live.

Wayne:
That might need stitches.

Neville:
I'll worry about that in the morning.

Wayne:
Look, I'm sorry, Neville.

Neville:
No, it's me should apologise...

Wayne:
I was a bit pissed off 'cos I didn't score, you know.

Neville:
I thought you said she was the type you didn't give a portion to.

Wayne:
Yeah, but I wish she had. [Neville chuckles] No hard feelings?

Neville:
No, it's me should be askin' you that.

Wayne:
Yeah, but you're a thick Geordie bastard, ain't you?

Neville:
Hey, I am sorry about what was said.

Wayne:
It's all forgotten, man. Go on. [They shake hands... but Neville forgets it's the hand he injured, and recoils in pain!]