Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, Series 1

Oz:
Would you believe it, eh? Home from home. Flock wallpaper, tigers... [listens to the piped-in music] Duane Gandhi on guitar.

Dennis:
Aye.

Oz:
The only think they haven't got's the Newcastle Exhibition ashtrays. [A waiter appears.]

Waiter:
Guten Abend, mein Herren. (Good evening, gentlemen.)

Dennis:
Er, Guten Abend. Erm... Vier Tisch, bitte. (Four tables, please.)

Waiter:
Wie, bitte? (I beg your pardon?)

Barry:
[Steps in] Erm... table for four, please. Four [Holds up four fingers.]

Waiter:
Ah, so... Einen Tisch für vier Personen. Nehmen Sie bitte Platz. (A table for four people. Please have a seat.)

Oz:
[As they take their seats.] Aye, that's it. that's it. D'you not speak any English? Sprechen Sie, er... the Englischen, like?

Waiter:
Augenblick. Moment. [Leaves to get another waiter.]

Oz:
Would you credit it, eh? Indian waiter what cannae speak English!

Dennis:
Aye, well, we are in Germany, Oz.

Oz:
Exactly! So why isn't he speaking English? I mean, he's one of us, isn't he? I mean, this is a curry house, isn'it? You cannae get much more British than that, can yer, eh?

Dennis:
Oz, how many times have I been out for a curry with you in England?

Oz:
[Thinks for a second.] I divvn't know. Half a dozen?

Dennis:
Aye, and on each occasion, no matter where we've been, you called the Indian waiters there either Sabu or Gunga Din, yer kna. Now we're in Germany, you expect this Indian lad to treat you like some long-lost brother.

Oz:
...So what, like?

Dennis:
You would have made a great imperialist, you would.

Waiter:
[Sending out another waiter with the menus] Ich will nicht sprechen. Das hast du letzte Woche mit den Amerikanern gemacht. (I don't want to talk. You did that with the Americans who came in here last week.)

Second waiter:
Du bist so unmöglich! (You are so impossible!)

Waiter:
Mein Kollege spricht Englisch. Also, Sie können echt auf Englisch bestellen. (My colleague speaks English, so you can order in English.)

Second waiter:
[Handing out the menus] Please. [Oz looks at Barry before taking a menu.] Please? [Barry takes a menu.] Please.

Moxey:
Ta [Takes another menu.]

Second waiter:
Please.

Dennis:
[Taking the fourth menu] Thank you.

Oz:
[Examining the menu] I don't believe it. The whole menu's in German!

Moxey:
There's only one word I understand here - biryani. I don't even know what that is in English!

Barry:
What's, erm... What's Bombay Kartoffeln? (Bombay potatoes)

Oz:
Here. Here, give us them [Takes the menus from the others.] I'll handle this. How, Sabu! Come here!

Second waiter:
[Comes to take their order] Ja?

Oz:
Never mind them. Look, we want two beers, right?

Second waiter:
[Writes down] Zwei Bier.

Oz:
[Pointing to Barry and Moxey] Jug of water for these two.

Second waiter:
Ja, ein bisschen Wasser.

Oz:
Yeah, Savvy? And, er, four chicken curries with rice.

Second waiter:
[Confused] Curry? Rice?

Oz:
Aye! Curry rice. That's it. Mit chicken. Yer kna? Chicken? [Squawks and flaps his elbows.]

Second waiter:
Ja, ja. Ich verstehe alles. Danke schön. (Yes, yes, I understand it all. Thank you very much.) [Leaves.]

Oz:
Right, so, there y'are. He spoke English all the time. [Dennis just looks wearily at Oz.]