Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, Series 1

Bomber:
[Wrapping a bandage around Colin's ankle] You keep this compress 'round it. Keep it tight. See?

Colin:
Yeah.

Neville:
Does it hurt?

Oz:
[Having tripped on the crane sleepers and cutting his leg with his trowel] Mine hurts like hell but naebody gives a toss aboot me! [Wayne shakes his head]

Dennis:
[To Colin] You got yersel' in a right mess, haven't you? Eh? I don't mean your clothes. Look, man, you should've told us the truth, yer kna, then we might have been able to help you out.

Wayne:
How long have you been in the Army then, eh?

Moxey:
How'd you know that?

Wayne:
Found his ID, whatever they call it.

Dennis:
So you're on the lam from the Army? Is it that bad?

Colin:
Since I've been in Germany, it is, yeah. It's the other lads in my billet. We don't get on, or... they don't get on with me. Always gettin' at me, takin' the mick. I couldn't take no more, I got a bit choked, I had to get away.

Neville:
Well, it doesn't seem a very good reason for deserting. You've got to learn to get on with people, haven't you? I mean, look at us lot in here. We're just like the army, aren't wa? All crammed into this little hut.

Wayne:
Hey, we drive each other loony, mate. But at least we all stick together, don't we, eh?

Colin:
It's not just that... [Starts breathing heavily]

Dennis:
Look. Here. [Puts a packet of cigarettes and a box of matches in front of Colin] Get it off yer chest, man.

Colin:
[Takes a cigarette.] I was in Ireland for a time. Londonderry. [Lights the cigarette.] Then Belfast.

Moxey:
Can't have been no picnic, that.

Colin:
I was scared witless.

Neville:
So would I have been. Well, anyone. [Bomber nods]

Colin:
Anyone wouldn't have cracked up though, would they? I did. How many of those bastards saw their two best friends blown in half, eh? None. Not one of them. But I did. And I just want to forget about it. They put me in hospital for a time. I mean, the Army were very good about that. Then they posted me out here. The other lads found out... I just want to forget about it. They won't let me forget about it.

Dennis:
Yeah, see, but... if you keep running away like that, you're just running away from yerself, you know. And if you bottle it out and stick in, I mean, those lads'll end up respecting you for it in the end.

Oz:
Nah, he's we'll out of it, if you ask me. He's done his bit, hasn'he? He owes them nowt.

Dennis:
So what's he supposed to do, eh? Spend the rest of his life on the run?

Wayne:
Well, that's the way Oz spends his life, ain't it? I mean, he don't know no different.

Neville:
I think he's gotta go back.

Moxey:
There's no question about it.

Dennis:
Definitely. When did you leave?

Colin:
Thursday night. Had a seventy-two-hour leave pass.

Dennis:
Well, you're only a day late, aren't ya?

Moxey:
Yeah, you're not a deserter, are you? You're a what-d'you-call-it?

Bomber:
Absent without leave.

Moxey:
That's it.

Neville:
Aye.

Moxey:
I mean, it's not going to be the firing squad. Just a couple of weeks, y'know, cleaning out the shithouses.

Bomber:
We can have you back there by tomorrow afternoon.

Colin:
...Could you?

Dennis:
So you'll go, then, eh?

Neville:
Great!

Wayne:
Listen, Barry can give you a lift on his bike, can't you, Bar-oh, where is Barry?

Neville:
I mean, for better or worse, you've gotta get on with your mates, havvn't yer?

Oz:
Hey, I'm bleedin' to death here, nobody gives a toss!

Everyone:
Oh, shut up, Oz!