Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, Series 1

Oz:
[Entering the hut] How, lads.

Wayne:
Oz... Er, have you had a word with you-know-who about you-know-what, eh?

Oz:
Well, I was just about to. [Heads into the storage room]

Wayne:
Go on, then.

Oz:
[Laying down his toolbag] Hey, Mac, er...

Magowan:
[Still throwing darts] What?

Oz:
Well, it's about you bein' in here.

Magowan:
What about me bein' here?

Oz:
Well, there's not all that much room, really, is there?

Magowan:
I know, I know. I've gotta rough it.

Oz:
Naw, but the thing... the thing is [Notices Magowan has hit a few treble 20s] Dear me, you can't half chuck an arrow, can yer?

Magowan:
I never get beat, me.

Oz:
Dear me! Marvellous. [Dennis enters the hut] Hey, Dennis, come have a look at this, man. Mac's just the bloke we need in here.

Magowan:
Yeah?

Oz:
Aye, we've got this darts match comin' up against the Army... [Dennis rolls his eyes]

Magowan:
Well, it's lucky for you lads I'm stayin' here!

Dennis:
[Softly, to Oz] Prick.

Oz:
Eh? [Barry just feebly points to Magowan before going back to reading his letter. Dennis approaches Magowan with Oz.]

Dennis:
[To Magowan] Look, mate, er... the thing is, we don't really want you in this hut. [Oz backs away.]

Magowan:
Who says?

Dennis:
All of us. I'm speakin' for all of us.

Magowan:
How come?

Dennis:
Well, er, nothing personal, like, yer kna. We don't mind you kippin' here for a couple of nights, yer kna. But you see, us lads, we've, er, got things pretty much together amongst ourselves and, er, we don't want anybody kippin' here on a permanent basis. [Turns around the hut] Isn't that right, lads?

Wayne:
Yeah, right. I mean, you know... we're all mates and everything, ain't we?

Moxey:
Yeah, we've all got used to each other, y'know.

Barry:
Yeah, yeah. It's nothing personal as... as Dennis says... [Magowan approaches Barry again and looks down at him menacingly.]

Magowan:
You don't want me stayin' 'ere, is that what you're sayin'?

Barry:
Well... not, not in so many words, like, no, no, no. It's... it's a question of harmony, innit? You know... that's what it's a question of, like. It's not easy, is it... for, er, a bunch of... group of men, grown men, all st-staying under... sleeping under one roof, you know? Especially one that lets the wet in, innit? [Giggles nervously.]

Magowan:
[To the lads] So you lot want me out, do you? [Dennis nods.]

Oz:
Well, after the darts match. At least let 'im stay for the darts match.

Dennis:
Oz, that's got bugger all to do with it.

Magowan:
And say I don't wanna go. Are you physically going to eject me? [Pushes Dennis] Is that it?

Dennis:
Look, none of us is capable of that, as well you know.

Magowan:
Just as well you do know that.

Dennis:
It'd just be best all round if you left, yer know. I'm just tellin yer straight, yer know, 'cos that's how we'd prefer it.

Magowan:
Well, where am I supposed to go? Hey, come here. You've got all the answers.

Dennis:
I don't know.

Magowan:
Well, what do you take me for, you lot, eh? I mean, I don't bother anybody.

Barry:
Would... would the hostel take you back?

Magowan:
No chance. All I did was break a chair over the warden's head.

Dennis:
That's the sort of person we take you for, yer know. I mean that's the point, like.

Magowan:
I don't like gaffers. I don't like bein' told what to do and where to do it! [Throws darts aggressively at the board. Barry cowers.]

Wayne:
Now, that's why it wouldn't work out here, would it? I mean we're sticklers for rules and regulations, we are, son. Gotta abide by the house rules, see.

Dennis:
You could get a flat on your own, that's your best bet, surely.

Magowan:
A flat will cost me, won't it? Advance against breakages.

Wayne:
Which in your case won't be returnable, will it? [Chuckles. Magowan approaches him.] No offence, squire. It was just a joke.

Magowan:
Don't you clown with me, ducky. [Gets almost in Wayne's face]

Dennis:
A flat's your best bet. Maybe we can help you out, yeah?

Magowan:
If I get a flat, you can say goodbye to the scratch you put up for me bail. You won't see that again. [Gets in Wayne's face] Just think about that.