Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, Series 1

Dennis:
[From outside the ward] Oh, he's got the doings on, look. He mustn't be too good.

Neville:
Aye. [Tuts] It's rotten to be old, isn'it? At least, old and sick and on your own.

Dennis:
Aye, it must be. Aye.

Neville:
You see 'em back home an' all, don't you? Queuing up on pension day, outside the post office. Hunched up against that cold wind. Sittin' in front of a one-bar gas fire, with a tin of pet food.

Dennis:
Oh, knock it off, man, Neville!

Neville:
Well...

Dennis:
There's no need to be so bloody maudlin. Hey, I'm ten years nearer pension day than you, remember?

Neville:
[As they enter the ward] I'll see you all right, Dennis. You can come over Sundays and Brenda'll do you a leg of lamb.

Nurse:
Hello. You come again?

Neville:
Yeah.

Dennis:
Er... is he not too good?

Nurse:
No, not today.

Neville:
Oh, well... Could you just give him these three oranges and tell him we popped in? [Holds out a bag of oranges]

Nurse:
No, no. You see him. It will be good for him. Just a little time, yes? [They go over to Hedley's bedside] Look, your friends are here.

Dennis:
Hello, Hedley.

Nurse:
[Taking Hedley's mask off] Just a few minutes, yes? [She leaves.]

Hedley:
[Weakly] Am I still here?

Dennis:
Course you're still here! Where d'you think you were goin' to, like? [Neville puts the oranges at the foot of the bed]

Hedley:
You may well ask.

Neville:
[Pointing to the tin] What's this, then, Hedley? Been goin' through your things again, have yer? [Opens the tin.]

Hedley:
I like to put my affairs in order.

Neville:
Aye. [Takes out an envelope] What's this?

Hedley:
[Snatching the envelope away] Leave that bugger alone. It's got nowt to do with you.

Neville:
Sorry.

Hedley:
Some things are private, yer know. [Coughs. Dennis puts the mask over Hedley's face.]

Neville:
Shall we get the Sister? [Hedley breathes heavily.]

Dennis:
He's alreet. He's alreet now. Just put that tin away. [Neville does so.]

Hedley:
[Taking the mask off and letting it drop by his side. Now slightly delirious] Ever... ever been to the Dales?

Dennis:
Eh?

Hedley:
Well, before the war, he had a farm.

Neville:
Who?

Hedley:
An uncle. An uncle of ours. Before the war, we went by train. They called us townies. We'd never seen cows, or fields.

Dennis:
Was this your sister and you?

Hedley:
Aye, she was there. Me mam, dad. Our Norman got drunk. Dad took his belt off. Ha! Oh, dear! He couldn't sit down! He wanted to cry, but he wouldn't. Not in front of us. Not in front of the young 'uns.

Neville:
[To Dennis] Norman must've been his big brother, eh?

Dennis:
Could've been, aye. [To Hedley] So, you had some happy times, Hedley, yeah?

Hedley:
Mabel got bit. The goat bit her. [Goes to sleep, breathing heavily.]

Dennis:
[To Neville] Better leave him be. [They get up. Dennis moves the oranges to Hedley's bedside cupboard, and they go to the door.]

Neville:
Is he all right?

Dennis:
Aye, he's okay, aye. He'd turn blue if he was bad, Neville. [They leave the ward.]

Neville:
You know how to look after him, don't you, Den?

Dennis:
Oh-ho, you'll look after me when I get old, won't you, Nev?

Neville:
Promise. You'll want for nothing. [Starts walking faster than Dennis] I'm not talkin' too fast for you, am I, Grandad? [They playfight for a moment.]