Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, Series 1

Moxey:
[Sees the postcards] What's all that?

Neville:
Ah, it was old Hedley's.

Moxey:
Oh. How is he?

Dennis:
He, er... he died today. [Moxey and Wayne's faces turn sorrowful.]

Moxey:
Oh. Poor old sod. A whole lifetime in a biscuit tin. I hope I amount to more than that.

Dennis:
Er, look, lads, now that you're all here, there's, er, somethin' that Neville and I wanted to talk over with you.

Oz:
Oh, aye? What's that?

Dennis:
Well, you see, the thing is, we reckon the old fella would've wanted to have gone home.

Bomber:
I thought he hated Blighty.

Dennis:
Well, he said he did, Bomber. But y'see, the last things he was lookin' at was photographs of England.

Neville:
Aye, and last time we seen him, he was gettin' very sentimental, like.

Dennis:
Now, I know the rest of you didn't know the old bloke, an' you're not beholden or anythin' like that, but the thing is, we just don't fancy the idea of him being buried here.

Moxey:
How much would it cost, you know, to send a b-body back?

Dennis:
Well, I don't know yet. You see, we were all waitin' on you, you know, to see how you felt in principle. But, er, I've been onto the hospital authorities and they're waitin' on us.

Bomber:
Sounds fair enough. What family's he got? [Oz listens intently]

Dennis:
We've got the address of his sister.

Wayne:
Well, we'll give her a bell then, eh?

Neville:
We tried that, she's not on the phone.

Barry:
Well, send a telegram, then.

Dennis:
Well, that doesn't seem advisable, Barry. She can't be any spring chicken herself. I mean, yer kna, if she gets bad news like this, I mean, the shock could kill her.

Neville:
Anyways, see, the point is, she only lives in Hemel Hempstead. [Turns to Wayne] And we thought as...

Dennis:
As you're going for the weekend, Wayne...

Wayne:
No, no, no. Do me a favour, lads!

Neville:
Howay, man, it's only a short train ride from London. You could drop in and break the news gently to her. [Oz gets an idea how he can smuggle the porn videos into the UK...] Maybe give her his things.

Dennis:
If she's flush, she'll probably pay the expenses. And, if not, we can all chip in, can't we?

Wayne:
No, no. I said I'm sorry. I'm going back for the wedding, right? Okay, I've got the whole weekend mapped out. I'm gonna buy me some clothes, get meself strumped, and go and get drunk with the lads.

Oz:
Well, what a despicable attitude, eh? [Gets off his bed] I hope you never die abroad, London!

Wayne:
Here, hang about.

Oz:
Yeah?

Wayne:
You never knew him, Oz.

Oz:
He was a Brit, wasn'he? An' if us Brits cannae stick together in a foreign land, who can, eh? I mean, I think this man deserves to be laid to rest on his native soil! Eh?

Wayne:
Well, if you feel that strongly about it...

Oz:
Well, it's the only decent thing to do man, isn'it? All right?

Wayne:
All right, all right. I just hope God puts this in my plus column when I snuff it, mate!

Bomber:
You could do with a few credits, boyo.

Oz:
It's the only decent thing to do, isn'it?

Neville:
Thanks, Oz.

Oz:
Oh, it's nothin'. You can do the same for me sometime. Well, not for a while, I hope. [Oz gets his towel and leaves, followed by Moxey.]

Neville:
[To the others] Wonders never cease!