Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, Series 2

Dennis:
Here you go, lads. [The others grab their drinks from the tray] After all the delays, it looks like we're off to Spain tomorrow, so let's have a monumental piss-up.

Oz:
Oi, oi, hang on. Should we not wait 'til the women get here, eh? I mean, Brenda'll be on her way doon, will she?

Neville:
Look, I hope you're not going to make her like a misery out there, Oz!

Oz:
Ohh, man, I'm harsh.

Dennis:
I tell yer what, she'll not be on her own, because I'm bringing Christine with me.

Neville:
Are yer?

Bomber:
You sly old bugger, Patterson.

Neville:
Fantastic!

Barry:
That's great, man. I'll get Hazel straight down now.

Oz:
Oh, eh. Top of the bill, that. Champion. If this new charva drags his tart along, we'll be able to start a formation dance team!

Dennis:
Look, Oz, I promise you tonight is an all-male evening, right, of alcoholic abuse.

Barry:
If we're having an evening of celebration and depravity, we could've chosen better than this manky place.

Dennis:
Alreet, we're only startin' off here, man, aren't wa? We're meetin' this other lad, then we're ganna meet Wayne at the disco.

Barry:
Aye, but not if Oz and Bomber get on the bloody snooker table, we won't. We'll be here 'till closing time!

Bomber:
No fair. Bomber wants to go dancing.

Dennis:
Aye, well we're not gannin to Cannibal's.

Bomber:
That's fine by me. I hate them small, frenzied discos. What happened to the palais? The big band? The sound of saxophones echoing through the rafters.

Barry:
I once took tap dancing lessons, y'know.

Neville:
You did?

Oz:
Why?

Barry:
What do you mean, why?

Oz:
Well... why? Why? Why?

Barry:
Oh... seeing all those wonderful films with Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers, Donald O'Connor, wonderful dancers, people like that. [Oz chuckles] I wanted to emulate them. Anyway, me auntie was the teacher so I got a rebate on the lessons.

Neville:
Come on, then. Do your bit.

Dennis:
Howay!

Oz:
Howay! Let's see you dance, Fred(!)

Barry:
No, I haven't got the right sort of shoes.

Neville:
Howay, on the floor! [Points to the floor near the bar]

Barry:
No, it's the wrong sort of floor.

Dennis:
Look, just do one little bit. You'll not have to buy a drink all night!

Neville:
Howay, that's fair enough.

Oz:
[Nudging Barry] Go on, Fred(!)

Neville:
Come on, on the stage!

Barry:
[Getting up. Neville moves and sits in Barry's spot] I think I can still remember one little routine.

Oz:
Hold on, I've got a better idea. [Gets up] Come over here by the dartboard, y'see, then we can put the spotlight on you and you can do yer bit. [Drags Barry to the dartboard and alters the position of the light from the dartboard to towards Barry]

Barry:
It's been a long time, y'know.

Bomber:
We'll bear that in mind, Barry.

Oz:
Right. [Turns the light on] Off yer gan. [Heads back to his seat.]

Barry:
[Nervously] Right. Er... You've gotta remember that this is the to the tune of Keep Young and Beautiful, right? [Mutters] Feet, don't you fail me now. And... [Starts tapping and singing] Keep young and beautiful / It's your duty to be beautiful / Keep young and beautiful / If you want to be loved. [Spins round while the others watch, barely able to keep themselves from laughing] Keep young and beautiful... It's coming back! [Continues singing] It's your duty to be beautiful... [Stops for a moment as he stumbles before continuing] It's coming back! [Continuing singing] ...If you want to be loved. / Keep young and... if you want to be...

The Lads:
[Joining in singing] If you want to be, if you want to be loved! [Barry ends on a pose, the other lads cheer before holding up beermats like they were scorecards]

Dennis:
2.0, 2.5, 1.5, 2.0, and the trophy won't be goin' to Wolverhampton this year! [They laugh as they throw beermats at Barry as he returns to the table.]

Neville:
[Laughing, to Barry] And it's your round!