Better Call Saul, Season 2

[Jimmy is spinning a lie to the police about Daniel's secret stash]

Jimmy:
Well, this all comes down to a personal dispute, that's all. It's between Mr. Wormald and uh, his "art patron".

Detective #1:
Art patron?

Jimmy:
Uh, yeah. My client has an arrangement with a wealthy gentleman for whom Mr. Wormald provides... art, in exchange for this gentleman's generous, eh... we'll call it patronage.

Detective #2:
Art. Like what, paintings?

Jimmy:
It's more like digital media.

Detective #2:
Digital media?

Jimmy:
He made videos for the man.

Detective #1:
What kind of videos?

Jimmy:
Private videos of an artistic nature. That's what was in the hiding place, that's what it was for.

Detective #1:
...So this "art patron" stole the videos and the baseball cards?

Jimmy:
Well, there was a misunderstanding. I mean, call it creative differences. Artists are volatile creatures! Guys, this all comes down to just a lover's spat, okay? Two consenting adults had a falling out, that happens, and the patron stole the videos and the baseball cards, to make a point, I guess. But the headline here is: it's all settled, hearts have mended and Mr. Wormald will not be pressing charges.

Detective #2:
What was on these videos?

Jimmy:
They were private.

Detective #2:
You said that.

Jimmy:
They were videos intended... to titillate the senses.

Detective #1:
Okay, so porn.

Jimmy:
Not–no. Not as such. Technically, they would be categorized as fetish videos, but nothing illegal. Just a man–a fully clothed man, I might add–just all by himself. Just–just Mr. Wormald, fully clothed... uh, yeah. So-

Detective #1:
Yeah, alright. So, fully clothed Mr. Wormald by himself... doing what?

Detective #2:
Yeah, come on, man. What?

Jimmy:
[sighs] Squat cobbler.

Detective #1:
What's a s-squat cobbler?

Jimmy:
Squat cobbler. ‭You know what squat cobbler is.

Detective #1:
No, I don't- I don't know what a squat cobbler is.

Detective #2:
No, me neither. What is it?

Jimmy:
Wha- you two guys are cops? Hoboken Squat Cobbler. Full Moon Moon Pie. Boston Crème Splat. Seriously? Simple Simon the Ass Man? Dutch Apple Ass? Guys, am I not speaking English here?

Detective #1:
What the hell is a squat cobbler?!

Jimmy:
It's when a man sits in pie! He sits in a pie! And he... [wiggles in his seat] he wiggles around. Maybe it's like Hellman's Mayonnaise, it has a different name west of the Rockies. I don't know, but, uh, technically, he does a crybaby squat, so there's tears, which makes it more specialized. Not all pie-sitters cry, but I'm gonna tell you something: This guy? He's a regular Julianne Moore once he gets ‭the waterworks cranked up.

Detective #2:
Pies? What, like apple?

Jimmy:
Guys, I'm not the filmmaker here, all right? Banana cream. I... uh, peach. Oh, and there... and there is a costume involved.

Detective #1:
[snorts] You've got to be shittin' us.

Jimmy:
Yeah, like I would make this up. Hey, the world is ‭a rich tapestry, my friends, but trust me on this: you don't want to see it.