Bottom, Series 1

Eddie:
Hang on, hang on hang on hang on. I've got your real present here.

Richie:
It's a piece of paper. It is a small piece of paper.

Eddie:
Read it.

Richie:
"Madame Swish, 3:30." Oh! Eddie! You haven't? Oh, what a pal you are. "Madame Swish". Ooh-err! God, at last I'm really going to do it. And on my birthday as well! Oh, I wonder what she's like?

Eddie:
She's a dead cert mate, a real stayer.

Richie:
Really?

Eddie:
Yeah, she'll come first.

Richie:
What, before me? Good grief, that's quick. So she'll think I'm great! Oh, what a pal you are! And it's all paid for?

Eddie:
Um, not exactly. I need a tenner.

Richie:
A tenner. Right. That's quite cheap, isn't it?

Eddie:
Er, well, no, in that case it's a tenner each way.

Richie:
How many ways are there?

Eddie:
Well you'll come first, second or third?

Richie:
Third? How many people are gonna be there?

Eddie:
Well, a few thousand.

Richie:
What!

Eddie:
It's at Kempton.

Richie:
Kempton?! I can't get all the way down to Kempton by 3:30!

Eddie:
You won't have to, mate. It'll be on the telly.

Richie:
They're going to televise it? Well what if my auntie's watching?

Eddie:
Well what's illegal about betting on a horse?

Richie:
A horse?! Madame Swish is, is a horse!

Eddie:
Yeah! What did you think it was?

Richie:
Oh nothing. Just checking.

Eddie:
I have given you a red-hot tip.

Richie:
I know and there's nothing I can do about it now, is there!