Bottom, Series 1

Shop Assistant:
Can i help you, sir?

Eddie:
This is a sex shop, isn't it?

Shop Assistant:
Yes.

Eddie:
(slaps money down) I'll have five quids worth then!

Shop Assistant:
Very droll, sir, I've never heard that one before.

Eddie:
Haven't you? Shall I tell it again?

Shop Assistant:
No thank you sir, I'd rather have a pineapple inserted violently into my rectum.

Eddie:
You've been working here too long mate.

Eddie:
Have me! Have me, I'm a love albatross!

Richie:
: What kind do you want?

Eddie:
: Rubber ones.

Richie:
: Yeah, bug there's ribbed, the tickler, and ultrasensitive.

Eddie:
: Ripped? Who's going to want a ripped condom?

Richie:
: Must be for people who want to get pregnant. Well I don't think ultrasensitive is our style, do you? The tickler it is. Oh, what colour?

Eddie:
: What have they got?

Richie:
: There's black, gold, union jack and leopard skin. Which do you think's the most romantic?

Eddie:
: Well union jack, obviously!

Richie:
: Right, a union jack tickler it is. Oh, what flavour?

Eddie:
: Flavour?

Richie:
: Yeah, there's chocolate, strawberry, marmite and cheese and onion.

Eddie:
: Well everyone likes cheese and onion, don't they?

Richie:
: Of course they do. A cheese and onion union jack tickler it is. Bagsy me first go with it.

Eddie:
: ...No, no, get two.

Richie:
Let's just be economical with the truth. Erm, something buck - yeah, hot young buck.

Eddie:
What about badger?

Richie:
No, no, I'm more a sort of...

Eddie:
HEDGEHOG!

Richie:
No, fox. That's good. No, that is good!

Eddie:
What about Stoat!

Richie:
Foxy Stoat? Yeah, it's got a ring it to it! Foxy stoat seeks...

Eddie:
Pig!

Richie:
Foxy Stoat Seeks Pig! SHUT UP, EDDIE!

Richie:
What on earth are you eating?

Eddie:
Lard.

Richie:
You are eating... lard.

Eddie:
Yeah well I'm hungry, but I'm too drunk to cook.

Eddie:
I've got an idea.

Richie:
What is it?

Eddie:
'To drink that' No I'm only joking! Why not put an ad in the lonely hearts column?

Richie:
Yeah!

Eddie:
Yeah, yeah. "Ugly virgin desperately seeks sex of any description."

Richie:
I bought you a Coca-Cola in good faith. That's eighty pence you've hoodwinked out of me. Eighty pence. When I said "Hello my darling, would you like a Coca-Cola?" did you say "No thank you, I'm terribly sorry, but I'm a lesbian"? No, you didn't, not a bit of it. You said "Thank you very much, that'd be lovely".

Richie:
Alright, I'm coming! Who do you think I am, Speedy Gonzales? Right, stop using my electricity, I'm not the Alma Khan!... Kripes, it's the gasman.

Gasman:
Hello there. I was wondering if I could just read your meter.

Richie:
HELLO MISTER GASMAN!

Gasman:
Yes hello there.

Eddie:
[Poking his head out into the landing] You what?

Richie:
I said "HELLO MISTER GASMAN!" [stops looking at Eddie and points his eye directly in front of him]

Gasman:
Yes hello again.

Eddie:
Mister who?

Richie:
GASMAN! GASMAN! GASMAN!

Gasman:
DO YOU HAVE SOMEONE WHO LOOKS AFTER YOU? COULD I SEE THEM BECAUSE I NEED TO READ THE METER!

Eddie:
Who is it darling?

Richie:
IT'S THE GASMAN!

Gasman:
Yes I think we've established that.

Eddie:
Well don't leave him out in the cold, dreamboat. Show him in.

Richie:
You're not going anywhere, mate. ....mate? Eddie! You've killed him!

Eddie:
[*drops frying pan*] I never touched him.

Richie:
Yeah, but the frying pan did and you were touching that at the time.

Eddie:
Bollocks, you killed him, he was dead before he hit the ground!

Richie:
Then why'd you keep hitting him with the frying pan?!

Eddie:
......for fun!

Richie:
Oh god! What are we going to do?!

Eddie:
About 25 years, I think.

Eddie:
Bloody Nora!

Richie:
Shut up!

Eddie:
They're having it off!

Richie:
I'll be right over!

Eddie:
(Handing out tea) Here we are then. Three cups of... steaming cold tea. Better drink it before it gets warm" (laughing) "This is the best tea in London" (Drinks some and retches) Well, come on, Eddie, you're not dinking yours.

Eddie:
No, I'm watching you enjoy yours.

Richie:
Well, come, on, do your fair share, you bastard! (to the Gasman) And you!

Richie:
So, we've only got eleven pounds eighty to last us for the next two months?

Eddie:
No, we've got 30p and a second-hand copy of "Parade".

Richie:
What?

Eddie:
It's an investment. Look, I got it for one pound fifty and originally it only cost a shilling. The value of these things is just sky-rocketing!

Richie:
That's pre-decimalisation that is! They all have their pants on.

Eddie:
Oh, shut up. Every day, yakkety bloody yak, on and on and on! Day in, day out - slime in this ear, slime in that ear! Just stop talking!

[Eddie looks in disgust at the tea Richie's made]

Eddie:
What's this?

Richie:
Elm tea. The gypsies swear by it.

Eddie:
I bet they do! I bet they say "What the bloody hell's this?!"

Eddie:
Richard, I'm warning you. If you don't shut up and let me watch "Miss World" I'm going to stuff your head up your bum. And you'll spend the rest of your life wandering around on all fours looking for the light switch.

Richie:
Do you know how many birds there are in the world?

Eddie:
Yeah, about three billion.

Richie:
Do you know how many of them I've slept with?

Eddie:
Yep.

Richie:
None.

Eddie:
Yeah, I know.

Richie:
I mean, statistically that's really quite phenomenal, isn't it?

Eddie:
Not for an ugly fat bastard like you it isn't.

Richie:
I wonder what sort of great bird'd suit me?

Eddie:
Blind one. Well, blind deaf masochist really.

Eddie:
"Dear Eddie, by the time you read this I will be dead. I know you'll be feeling terribly guilty but don't blame yourself, although it really is your fault. If I was alive I would forgive you, but I'm not, so I can't, so you'll just have to live with it. Richard." (Fighting back tears) Poor blighter! All he needed was the love of a good woman. Well not even a good one, any old one would have done; slap a wig on a 'Speak your Weight' machine, he'd have been happy. And now he's gone and done himself in! [Plays some keys on Richie's electric organ] Well this ought to fetch a few quid.

Eddie:
Well I can't go, everyone will think that I'm Sean Connery.

Richie:
You don't look a bit like Sean Connery.

Eddie [as Michael Caine]:
Hello, my name's James Bond. Not a lot of people know that.

Richie:
I don't know, maybe death would be a blessed relief.

Eddie:
[still as Michael Caine] Zulus, thousands of them. Wait till you see the whites of their eyes lads! [pause] They would have won if they'd kept their eyes closed. Not a lot of people know that.

Richie:
Why don't we play Cluedo for my life?

Eddie:
Because you always cheat! You always look at the mystery cards!

Richie:
How do you know these things?

Eddie:
I'm Death!

Richie:
Sorry. [shouts] How do you know these things?

Eddie:
No, I'm Death! I'm Death!

Richie:
It's in the dictionary! Jesus wrote this!

Richie:
Come on, it's Sunday, it's a day of rest! Absolutely nothing to do for twenty-four hours.

Eddie:
It's a bit like every other day then really, isn't it?

Richie:
It's not very sexy, is it?

Eddie:
No. I must say, I expected a lot more from "The Furry Honeypot Adventure".

Richie:
I think this is for kids you know Eddie. I think those Hussein brothers saw you coming again. Well, what else did you get?

Eddie:
"Big Jugs"

Richie:
[excited] "Big Jugs"! All right! [reads box] "A history of pottery in the nineteenth century." Anything else?

Eddie:
Well this one's a sure-fire hit. Look. "Swedish Lesbians in Blackcurrant Jam".

Richie:
Yabba-dabba-doo! [reads] No Eddie, it's "Swedish Legends in Blackcurrant Jam Making."

Eddie:
Aw, come on, it's got to be dirty, it says "Swedish"!

Richie:
I'm Church of England. What are you, Eddie?

Eddie:
I don't know.

Richie:
Well, what was your mother?

Eddie:
A wrestler.

Eddie:
Righty-ho young Sonny Jim old fella-me-lad matey-skip me old pal from the briny, let's fill up the picnic hamper!

Eddie:
Why're you putting mayonnaise on your face?

Richie:
It's not mayonnaise, it's sun tan lotion.

Eddie:
(examining bottle) Never heard of low calorie sun tan lotion.

Richie:
What? Oh no, blast! Oh God! Oh, argh-rrgh! Phuh! Well where's the sun tan lotion then?

Eddie:
You squirted that into your cheese roll.

Richie:
But I ate that!

Eddie:
(grinning) Yeah, I know.

Richie:
Well why didn't you tell me?

Eddie:
Because I don't like you very much.

Eddie:
So what was your Indian name then? Running Mouth? Sitting Down? Talking Bollocks?!

Richie:
Dances With The Wind.

Eddie:
That'll be the curry again...

Richie:
Ah! "May all your birthdays be happy ones, we like you more than Eddie." Ah-haa. That's nice, isn't it?

Richie:
Okay, okay, okay. Let's sort this out. Now we're good friends Eddie, we've known each other for a long time, we can talk. And there is something I have been meaning to say to you for the last twenty-five years.

Eddie:
Ah! What's that?

Richie:
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! Go away and crawl away and die in a ditch somewhere, you bastard!

Richie:
I couldn't believe that nurse - all I said was "Hello, have you seen 'The Singing Detective'?" and she twatted me with a kidney dish!

Spudgun:
What did medieval people do before telly?

Hedgehog:
Well, they probably had their tea, didn't they?

Eddie:
No, before telly was invented.

Hedgehog:
Oh, they had cock-fights.

Spudgun:
No wonder they all got the plague.

Ritchie:
"What was your name again?"

Spudgun:
"Spudgun"

Ritchie:
"Spudgun. Why do they call you Spudgun?"

Spudgun:
"Give me a potato and I'll show you why"

Eddie:
"No Ritchie, you don't want to see that"

Ritchie:
"Well why do they call you hedgehog?"

Hedgehog:
"Give me a hedgehog and I'll show you why"

Eddie:
That's him, that's the one! BASTARD! I hate 'im!

Hedgehog:
[looking around] Who?

Eddie:
[pointing at the screen] No, that one there! The extra! He never says anything, he just drinks all day. Look at 'im! Look! He's going to buy another drink!

Hedgehog:
Is that his own money?

Eddie:
No! No. They fill his pockets full of change, push him into The Woolpack, and shout "Go on mate! Drink as much as you like!". And then at closing time they give him a wage packet. [Shouting at the television] LUCKY BASTARD!

Richie:
Ok, I Spy it is. Oh God, this is important. Better make it a goodie... Ok, coming, ready or not. I Spy with my little eye something beginning with "S".

Eddie:
"Submarine".

Richie:
No! Ha ha! It was "Scythe". Ha! Ha! Oh, I win, I get to live! Thank you Baby Jesus! Thank you all the Baby Jesuses!

Eddie:
Hang on, hang on, hang on! "Scythe" doesn't begin with an "S".

Richie:
Yes, it does!

Eddie:
It bloody doesn't, it's a "C"!

Richie:
It's not!

Eddie:
It is! Get a dictionary!

Richie:
Alright, I've got one here. Here... [Flicking through the pages] Scythe, scythe, scythe. There you are, "Scythe". "S-C-Y-T-H-E".

Eddie:
That's "Sither".

Richie:
It's "Scythe", it says "Scythe" there! It's in the dictionary! Jesus wrote this!

Eddie:
What's so great about being a nation of shopkeepers?

Richie:
What's so great about being a nation of shopkeepers?

Eddie:
Yeah. What's so great about it?

Richie:
Well it makes us superior to everyone else. Because we know how to run a corner shop.

Eddie:
Hang on, hang on hang on hang on. I've got your real present here.

Richie:
It's a piece of paper. It is a small piece of paper.

Eddie:
Read it.

Richie:
"Madame Swish, 3:30." Oh! Eddie! You haven't? Oh, what a pal you are. "Madame Swish". Ooh-err! God, at last I'm really going to do it. And on my birthday as well! Oh, I wonder what she's like?

Eddie:
She's a dead cert mate, a real stayer.

Richie:
Really?

Eddie:
Yeah, she'll come first.

Richie:
What, before me? Good grief, that's quick. So she'll think I'm great! Oh, what a pal you are! And it's all paid for?

Eddie:
Um, not exactly. I need a tenner.

Richie:
A tenner. Right. That's quite cheap, isn't it?

Eddie:
Er, well, no, in that case it's a tenner each way.

Richie:
How many ways are there?

Eddie:
Well you'll come first, second or third?

Richie:
Third? How many people are gonna be there?

Eddie:
Well, a few thousand.

Richie:
What!

Eddie:
It's at Kempton.

Richie:
Kempton?! I can't get all the way down to Kempton by 3:30!

Eddie:
You won't have to, mate. It'll be on the telly.

Richie:
They're going to televise it? Well what if my auntie's watching?

Eddie:
Well what's illegal about betting on a horse?

Richie:
A horse?! Madame Swish is, is a horse!

Eddie:
Yeah! What did you think it was?

Richie:
Oh nothing. Just checking.

Eddie:
I have given you a red-hot tip.

Richie:
I know and there's nothing I can do about it now, is there!