Coupling, Series One

Jane:
And, my sister said; no, so then I said yes, then she said; no, again, so I just said; yes. But then she said; no. So I said yes, yes, yes.

Steve:
How does this story end exactly?

Jane:
She said; I had an answer for everything.

Steve:
Right.

Jane:
And I just said; yes!

Steve:
Jane! Ok, listen to me ok? I know I've tried to say this before, and I know I never seem to get anywhere, but this time Jane, I'm going to put it very, very simply. It's over between us.

Jane:
You want us to split up?

Steve:
Yes! Oh yes, I do!

Jane:
I don't accept.

Steve:
What?!

Jane:
I don't accept it.

Steve:
No, no, you can't not accept it. I'm breaking up with you.

Jane:
Don't I get a say in it?

Steve:
Of course, you don't.

Jane:
If I don't get a say, then I don't accept it. Anyway, then my sister just looked at me. And she said; no, no, no... And then my sister said; absolutely not. So I said, absolutely yes.

Steve:
It doesn't matter whether you accept it or not. It's over. You're dumped. Look, um, it's not you ok? It's me.

Jane:
Then why am I the one that's getting dumped? You should be the one that's getting dumped.

Steve:
Exactly, that's why it's all my fault. So dump me.

Jane:
[In a singsong voice] No...

Steve:
What?

Jane:
We can work on your problems!

Steve:
You've got to let me out, please.

Jane:
Look, why don't we give it a year?

Steve:
Because if we give it a year, I will end up horribly murdering you and hacking up your body.

Jane:
Ok, how long do you suggest?

Steve:
Some relationships are supposed to end. There are some relationships that the world is better off without. Remember Crippen?

Jane:
Here we go, bring up Crippen again. You seem to forget the Crippens enjoyed many happy years of marriage before he murdered her

Steve:
Please, listen to me.

Jane:
They didn't just give up. They worked at it. That's the real lesson of the Crippens.

Steve:
He killed her, and was hanged for her murder.

Jane:
Well, yes, eventually.

Steve:
Do you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to walk out of here, and whether you accept it or not, I am never going to speak to you or see you again! That is it, over.

Jane:
Steve, we've just-

Steve:
Don't start suggesting things. Or telling me what you're wearing. Or doing the thing with your breasts. I'm going.

Jane:
I just wanted you to know something.

Steve:
It's not going to work.

Jane:
I experienced a passionate connection with you, that I've never encountered before.

Steve:
Not listening.

Jane:
I've never known lovemaking so electric.

Steve:
No, it's having no effect.

Jane:
Except, perhaps with Arthur. You know, the night before he left for the gulf.

Steve:
There is no level of cheap manipulation that will work, Jane. [He leaves]

Jane:
And maybe a couple times with Elizabeth. [He stops at door and Jeff comes bounding in]

Jeff:
Hey Steve, guess who? Listen, there's something I forgot to tell you. About the- Steve? [Steve is still entranced and Jeff waves a hand in Steve's face which has no effect] Steve, are you alright?

Steve:
I was this close! [He runs back to the table with Jane]

Jeff:
Evil. Susan? Hey.

Susan:
Jeff. Hi. [Jeff walks over]

Steve:
You never told me about Elizabeth.

Jane:
Well, you know, I've had relationships with other women.

Steve:
No, you never told me that. Not once in the entire relationship. I begged!

Jane:
Well, it's too late now!

Steve:
No, I'm still in the zone!