Coupling, Series One

Sally:
Remember: every morning your face has slipped a little bit more. Since 30 I have had to put a daily limit on facial expressions. I only ever smile at single men, so I can justify the loss of elasticity.

Jeff:
Steve, do you know what I call this kind of woman? You know, the type you "can't get rid of."

Steve:
Is this gonna be really tasteless? Am I gonna be ashamed to be your friend?

Jeff:
It's a technical term. It's just a harmless expression...

Steve:
Hit me.

Jeff:
"Unflushable!"

Steve:
Turn around, Jeff; walk away!

Jeff:
You know, because they keep bobbing around...

Steve:
No, no, no, Jeff! GO! GO! ...Don't look back. GO!

Susan:
I want you all to know, I intend this breast satirically.

Jeff:
I mean, where exactly do you take your socks off? My advice is to take them off right after your shoes, and before your trousers. That's the sock gap. Miss it, and suddenly you're a naked man in socks. No self-respecting woman will ever let a naked man in socks do the squelchy with her.

Jeff:
[drunk] It must be a lot easier being gay. Sex must be a piece of piss if you're gay.

Howard:
And why is that?

Jeff:
If you're gay, see... if you're gay, masturbation is practice. Y'know, you can have a good old practice on your own, and then later, when you're ready, when you've got the hang of it, you have a go on someone else's. It's a piece of piss.... See, it's different... it's different when you're a straight bloke. When we finally get our hands on the gear, let me tell you, it's not a drill. Gays have their own practice kit, but you don't get any practice women. We're supposed to fly those babies the first time we get in 'em!

Howard:
That's a very good point, actually.

Sally:
No it's not, it's homophobic, you stupid queen!

Jane:
Hello! There's no such thing as homophobia, just people-phobia!

Sally:
Patrick, what do you call people you go out with but don't try to sleep with?

Patrick:
Men?

Patrick:
You can't prevent death with face cream.

Sally:
Yeah? That's what everyone thinks, but no-one's ever used it in the quantities I do.

Patrick:
What's a giggle loop?

Jeff:
Don't ask! To know about the Giggle Loop is to become part OF the Giggle Loop!

Steve:
I think we can take it.

Jeff:
You're not ready for the Giggle Loop.

Jeff:
Basically, it's like a feedback loop. You're somewhere quiet. There's people. It's a...solemn occasion. A wedding. No--it's a minute's silence for someone who's died.

Steve:
Right.

Patrick:
Okay.

Jeff:
Right, minute's silence ticking away. (Makes ticking noises with his tongue) The Giggle Loop begins. Suddenly, out of nowhere, this thought comes into your head. The worst thing I could possibly do during a minute's silence is laugh. (Overturns a beer glass) And as soon as you think that, you almost do laugh, automatic reaction. But you don't, you control yourself. You're fine. Whoo… But then you think how terrible it would have been if you'd laughed out loud in the middle of a minute's silence. And so you nearly do it again, but this time it's a bigger laugh. (Stacks another beer glass on top of the first one) And then you think how awful this bigger laugh would have been. And so you nearly laugh again, only this time it's a very big laugh. (Stacks another glass) It's an enormous laugh! Let this bastard out, and you get whiplash! (Stacks another glass) Suddenly, you're in the middle of this completely silent room (stacks another glass) and your shoulders are going like you're drilling the road! And what do you think of this situation? Oh, dear Christ, you think it's funny!

Bar staff:
What are you doing?

Jeff:
...It's a Giggle Loop.

Bar staff:
It's not a loop, it's a stack.

Jeff:
Well I couldn't call it a Giggle Stack now, could I.

Steve:
That would sound ridiculous.

Patrick:
Exactly!

Steve:
I don't know if she has seen the tape. And if she has seen it, what does she think? That I'm some kind of masturbating pervert?

Jeff:
You are.

Patrick:
We all are.

Steve:
True.

Jill:
How could you possibly enjoy a film like that?

Steve:
Oh, because it's got naked women in it! Look, I like naked women! I'm a bloke! I'm supposed to like them! We're born like that. We like naked women as soon as we're pulled out of one. Halfway down the birth canal, we're already enjoying the view. Look, it's the four pillars of the male heterosexual psyche. We like: naked women, stockings, lesbians, and Sean Connery best as James Bond. Because that is what being a boy is. And if you don't like it, darling, join a film collective. Look, I want to spend the rest of my life with the woman at the end of that table there. But that does not stop me wanting to see several thousand more naked bottoms before I die. Because that's what being a bloke is. When Man invented fire, he didn't say "Hey, let's cook!" He said: "Great! Now we can see naked bottoms in the dark!" As soon as Caxton invented the printing press, we were using it to make pictures of - hey! - naked bottoms. We've turned the internet into an enormous international database of... naked bottoms. So, you see, the story of male achievement through the ages, feeble though it may have been, has been the story of our struggle to get a better look at your bottoms. Frankly, girls, I'm not so sure how insulted you really ought to be.

Jane:
I'm an emotional vegetarian. I know a lot of vegetarians and we tend to like the same films.

Jeff:
I need breasts with brains. I don't mean individual brains, obviously... I mean, not a brain each. You know, I like intelligent women, but you've got to draw the line somewhere.

Steve:
You draw the line at intelligent breasts?

Jeff:
I think breast brains would be over-egging the woman pudding.

Jeff:
Do you know what would be the best way to wipe out all of human kind?... Make all women telepathic because if they suddenly found out about the kind of stuff that goes on in our heads they'd kill us all on the spot. Men are not people. We are disgustoids in human form!

Steve:
Well, how'd it go?

Jeff:
She's leaving the country, doesn't speak English, I insulted her friend's breasts and she thinks I collect women's ears in a bucket.

Steve:
Well, you've had worse.

Jeff:
You know, when I was a kid, I used to write the word "naked" hundreds of times on a bit of paper and then rub my face in it. It's better than sex.

Sally:
"Room in your cupboard for one more"? You said that?

Jane:
Yeah. I really thought I'd gone to his house, you know, to "heal our spiritual divide," but it turns out I was just gagging for a shag. Those two are so similar!

Susanne Susanne Susanne

Sally:
Did he say what he wanted?

Susan:
Not a word.

Sally:
Maybe he's going to propose. You said you had a fantastic time last weekend. Maybe he's thinking, you know...

Susan:
One swallow doesn't make a summer.

Sally:
Maybe you should marry him.

Susan:
It's not like that. It's very casual. It's really just sex with a fringe of conversation.

Sally:
But what if he's your last ever man? What if you've used up your goals? Remember: every morning your face has slipped a little bit more. Since (age) 30, I have had to put a daily limit on facial expressions. I only ever smile at single men, so I can justify the loss of elasticity.

Susan:
Is this how your mind works all the time?

Sally:
The only reason I work is so I stop worrying about my hair.

Susan:
And this from my beautician. Which reminds me; facial, Wednesday morning. Just don't count every time you find a wrinkle.

Sally:
Do I do that out loud?

Susan:
You've got a running total in my file. Sally, did it ever occur to you that age brings wisdom and greater confidence?

Sally:
Susan, age bring you more to shave.

Jane:
And, my sister said; no, so then I said yes, then she said; no, again, so I just said; yes. But then she said; no. So I said yes, yes, yes.

Steve:
How does this story end exactly?

Jane:
She said; I had an answer for everything.

Steve:
Right.

Jane:
And I just said; yes!

Steve:
Jane! Ok, listen to me ok? I know I've tried to say this before, and I know I never seem to get anywhere, but this time Jane, I'm going to put it very, very simply. It's over between us.

Jane:
You want us to split up?

Steve:
Yes! Oh yes, I do!

Jane:
I don't accept.

Steve:
What?!

Jane:
I don't accept it.

Steve:
No, no, you can't not accept it. I'm breaking up with you.

Jane:
Don't I get a say in it?

Steve:
Of course, you don't.

Jane:
If I don't get a say, then I don't accept it. Anyway, then my sister just looked at me. And she said; no, no, no... And then my sister said; absolutely not. So I said, absolutely yes.

Steve:
It doesn't matter whether you accept it or not. It's over. You're dumped. Look, um, it's not you ok? It's me.

Jane:
Then why am I the one that's getting dumped? You should be the one that's getting dumped.

Steve:
Exactly, that's why it's all my fault. So dump me.

Jane:
[In a singsong voice] No...

Steve:
What?

Jane:
We can work on your problems!

Steve:
You've got to let me out, please.

Jane:
Look, why don't we give it a year?

Steve:
Because if we give it a year, I will end up horribly murdering you and hacking up your body.

Jane:
Ok, how long do you suggest?

Steve:
Some relationships are supposed to end. There are some relationships that the world is better off without. Remember Crippen?

Jane:
Here we go, bring up Crippen again. You seem to forget the Crippens enjoyed many happy years of marriage before he murdered her

Steve:
Please, listen to me.

Jane:
They didn't just give up. They worked at it. That's the real lesson of the Crippens.

Steve:
He killed her, and was hanged for her murder.

Jane:
Well, yes, eventually.

Steve:
Do you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to walk out of here, and whether you accept it or not, I am never going to speak to you or see you again! That is it, over.

Jane:
Steve, we've just-

Steve:
Don't start suggesting things. Or telling me what you're wearing. Or doing the thing with your breasts. I'm going.

Jane:
I just wanted you to know something.

Steve:
It's not going to work.

Jane:
I experienced a passionate connection with you, that I've never encountered before.

Steve:
Not listening.

Jane:
I've never known lovemaking so electric.

Steve:
No, it's having no effect.

Jane:
Except, perhaps with Arthur. You know, the night before he left for the gulf.

Steve:
There is no level of cheap manipulation that will work, Jane. [He leaves]

Jane:
And maybe a couple times with Elizabeth. [He stops at door and Jeff comes bounding in]

Jeff:
Hey Steve, guess who? Listen, there's something I forgot to tell you. About the- Steve? [Steve is still entranced and Jeff waves a hand in Steve's face which has no effect] Steve, are you alright?

Steve:
I was this close! [He runs back to the table with Jane]

Jeff:
Evil. Susan? Hey.

Susan:
Jeff. Hi. [Jeff walks over]

Steve:
You never told me about Elizabeth.

Jane:
Well, you know, I've had relationships with other women.

Steve:
No, you never told me that. Not once in the entire relationship. I begged!

Jane:
Well, it's too late now!

Steve:
No, I'm still in the zone!

Sally:
Mary Kelly, does not fancy you!

Patrick:
I can tell from the way she acts around me. She finds me attractive.

Sally:
Is there any form of female behavior you don't interpret as finding you attractive?

Patrick:
It's never really come up.

Susan:
If you two are finished. I thought you wanted to speak to me.

Patrick:
Yeah, yeah, I do. [To Sally] Could you give us a minute? [Sally gets up to leave and then turns around] Mary Kelly thinks you're a complete idiot.

Patrick:
Then why does she keep looking at my arse when we're talking?

Sally:
She's lip-reading. [She leaves]

Patrick:
We need to talk.

Susan:
Sure.

Patrick:
About out relationship. I'm just starting to think it's getting a bit hot and heavy. And we both need to back off and cool down. You know, maybe we should just both think about where everything's going and whether we're starting to commit more than we intend to or want to.

Susan:
What relationship?

Patrick:
I can't believe you!

Susan:
Well, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings! I just never saw it as a relationship as such. I just thought we were having a bit of fun, a bit of sex.

Patrick:
Well, yeah, I mean, that's what I thought. I mean, that's pretty much the way I see it.

Susan:
Well, there you are then.

Patrick:
Yeah.

Susan:
I mean, it's not as if we're being faithful or anything. Oops. I'm so sorry, I had no idea.

Patrick:
It's fine.

Susan:
We were only seeing each other once a week. That's not exactly a sex life. You must have been doing a lot of solo flights.

Patrick:
No, I wasn't!

Susan:
Oh, come on!

Patrick:
I certainly was not! I was saving it all up for you!

Susan:
No, really? Oops. [Buries face in hand and collapses back on the couch] Look, I'm not saying it wasn't good. I'm just saying it didn't seem like a week's worth. [Patrick glances over] Oh, no, don't look like that! Not everyone has my level of sex drive! I mean, for a start, you're a bloke...

Patrick:
All right, all right, I wasn't going to say anything, but actually, I've been seeing someone else, too.

Susan:
You've been cheating on me?

Patrick:
What?

Susan:
Is this true, Patrick?

Patrick:
But you were cheating on me!

Susan:
I wasn't cheating, I wasn't being faithful. You were being faithful. And that means, you were cheating. And I thought I knew you.

Susan:
This is Patrick, This is Jeff who works in my office.

Patrick:
Hi, right, good to meet you. [Steve runs through the establishment with Jane in hand behind him]

Jeff:
So, how do you know Susan then? [Sally pops up from behind]

Sally:
She just dumped him!

Jeff:
Oh, great.

Susan:
Oh, sounds like my cue for a loo break. Excuse me a sec.

Jeff:
So, dumped and still here, eh? So, you're an unflushable. [Patrick coils back]

[Steve and Jane are passionately making out in a Ladies room washroom stall, Susan comes in and the stall door opens and Steve stumbles onto the ground spilling spare change]

Susan:
Um, isn't this the ladies?

Steve:
Sorry. Just, um, washing my hands.

Susan:
Hmm-mm, and the money's for?

Steve:
You get these free in the Ladies?

Susan:
Apparently.

Steve:
Yeah, um. Well, in terms of humiliating myself in front of a complete stranger, this couldn't get more embarrassing, could it?

Susan:
So, how are you these days, Steve?

Steve:
Great.

Susan:
We met at my office party. Jeff invited you, I think. And you spent the whole evening arguing with some women about Crippen. Yeah, I was rather insulted. I seem to remember trying to chat you up at the time.

Steve:
Oh.

Susan:
So have you seen that women recently?

Steve:
Define "recently".

Susan:
Ok, look- I'd better-

Steve:
No, no, hang on. Maybe we could, you know, meet up sometime.

Susan:
Well, yeah. You know where I work. Jeff's got my number. Nothing to stop you from calling me.

Steve:
Great.

Susan:
Great. [She walks over to the stall Jane is in]

Steve:
Where are you going?

Susan:
In there.

Steve:
Why? What are you going to do?

Susan:
That's not a level of detail most people look for. [Steve runs over and splays his arms across door]

Steve:
Sorry, um, still using it. Haven't finished. I was on a break.

Susan:
What, you popped out to wash your hands during your-

Steve:
Yes. It's been a tricky one. [He goes into the stall and Susan leaves with Steve and Jane resuming their makeout session] Look, look. I don't think this is such a good idea anymore.

Jane:
Oh, you're just getting all confused again. I'll tell you what, I'll take my clothes off. [She squats down]

Steve:
No, no, no, no! That's not going to work! Whatever you might think, whatever everybody might think., it just happens I'm not completely, shaved! I mean, shallow!

[Susan walks up to Jeff at the bar]

Susan:
Your friend Steve, is he alright?

Steve:
Yeah, yeah, he's having a bit of trouble at the moment. He's got an unflushable.

Susan:
Oh, I see. You mean, he can't-

Steve:
No, no, not so much can't. He won't.

Susan:
"He won't"?

Steve:
At the last minute, he gets all sentimental

Sally:
So, back on your own again, eh? Back out there?

Patrick:
You're smiling at me. I don't think I've ever seen that.

Sally:
You're a single man, now. You qualify for my elasticity.

Patrick:
Is that as good as it sounds?

[Steve and Jeff are playing a video game]

Steve:
How well do you know Susan? Are you close?

Jeff:
Close? I've got her cycle in my organizer. Wait, are you thinking of asking her out?

Steve:
I've already, kind of. Why, is that a problem? What, have you and her, you know?

Jeff:
Oh, yeah, well, we gave it a try, you know. But it was a long time ago. Didn't really work out, I think I made her nervous.

Steve:
That's understandable.

Jeff:
So, you managed to finish with Jane, then?

Steve:
Define "finish".

Jeff:
Oh, Steve, have you finished with Jane? Are you out of the zone? If you ask Susan out while you are still seeing Jane, that could be a problem later. So, where were you; zone-wise, with Jane, when you asked Susan out?

Steve:
Well, you know, pretty much... in there.

Jeff:
Yeah, yeah, but where exactly? You know, like, middle, edge-

Steve:
During

Jeff:
During? During?

Steve:
It's not as bad as it sounds! I was in the toilet cubicle with Jane, when I was nipping out to get a condom, I asked out Susan.

Jeff:
The zone has a new king. [Raises arms and starts bowing to Steve] But you will rule alone.

[Susan and Jeff are the office place]

Susan:
Jeff.

Jeff:
Hello.

Susan:
That, uh, that Steve guy. How well do you know him? Are you close?

Jeff:
Close? We're porn buddies.

Susan:
Porn buddies?

Jeff:
Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Susan:
Is this code? Were you two in prison together or something?

Jeff:
No, no, no, it's a safety precaution. You know, like, a scuba diver dives with a buddy, in case he runs out of air.

Susan:
Ok, so are you telling me a porn buddy stands by with oxygen?

Jeff:
[Laughs] No. Many years ago, Steve and I exchanged house keys.

Susan:
Are you sure this isn't code?

Jeff:
It's not code. In the event of Steve's death, the first thing I will do, upset though I will be, is go straight to his house and remove all the pornography before his parents can find it.

Susan:
You're kidding.

Jeff:
And he's pledged to do the same for me. That's how close we are.

Susan:
You guys have seriously made arrangements to destroy your dirty mags?

Jeff:
Who said destroy? "Remove".

Susan:
Yeah, but, you wouldn't keep them, would you?

Jeff:
Well, it's a perk.

Susan:
Oh, Jeff. [She turn around and walks away]

Jeff:
That's the beauty of it, you see. [He follows her] Your best friend's dead, but there's a bright side.

Susan:
[She sits down] You're trying to put me off him, aren't you?

Jeff:
No way, why would I do that?

Susan:
I know it was a long time ago, but, um, you and me?

Jeff:
Yeah, wll, that didn't really work out, did it?

Susan:
I'll never understand why I made you so nervous. I've never seen anyone looks so terrified.

Jeff:
It's all in the past, that. Please forget about it. [Phone rings and Susan answers it]

Susan:
Oh, talk of the devil. Hi, Steve. [Jeff gets up looking anxious] No, just talking about you with Jeff, your buddy. Um, tomorrow evening? Tomorrow evening would be fine, yes. May have to be a bit later. I'm supposed to be having a facial. Okay, then we can have a good long chat about Jeff.

[Steve calls Jane and gets her answering machine]

Jane:
Hello, this is Jane, sorry I'm not here.

Steve:
I am out of the zone, I am finally out. [Starts recording] Jane, hi, this is Steve. Um, look, there's something I've been trying to say. And I think you know by now you know what it is. So, just listen. You are a beautiful, sexy, highly intelligent woman. And a man would have to be insane not to spend the rest of his life with you.

Answering machine:
This message tape is now full. Please hang up.

Steve:
Jeff, I'm going on a date, why are you following me? Why are you following me?

Jeff:
I just think you might need some last minute pointers.

Steve:
Jeff, here's a pointer from me, this is dinner for two.

...

[Steve and Jeff are seated at a restaurant table]

Jeff:
Quality, Nice.

Steve:
Susan's idea. She's going to be here in an hour.

Jeff:
Do you know the biggest turnoff on a first date?

Steve:
You?

Jeff:
Discussion of mutual friends. An hour?

Steve:
Yes, she's having a facial. And I'm trying to avoid someone.

Jeff:
Who?

Steve:
[He notices someone] Oh, my god. [He gets up]

Jeff:
What? [Jane is there and sees Steve and they wave to each other] Have you been completely clear with her that it's over? [Jane kisses Steve]

Jane:
Hello gorgeous! [Turns head to Jeff] And... [Swipes hand in disregard] I got your lovely message! You know I feel quite flushed!

Steve:
How did you find me?

Jane:
The usual.

Steve:
Oh right, you phoned my flat, found I wasn't there. Then you phoned all the local taxi companies and found out which one had picked me up and where I'd gone. Then you phoned all the local restaurants and found out which one had my booking.

Jane:
Well, if I didn't do that, how would we ever see each other? Remember the time I gave you such a big fright, you almost fainted? Where was that?

Steve:
Prague

Jane:
You should have seen his little face. He cried.

Steve:
Jane, listen.

Jeff:
Oh my god, the zone really hates you!

Susan:
Hi, didn't expect you to be here already.

Steve:
Didn't expect you. Thought you were having a facial.

Susan:
Oh, she canceled.

Steve:
She canceled?!

Susan:
It's ok, I was going to cancel anyway. Didn't really need it?

Steve:
Are you sure?

Susan:
What are you saying?

Steve:
Nothing. I'm just worried about your face!

Susan:
Jeff!

Jeff:
Susan, hi! I thought you were having a facial!

Susan:
It was canceled.

Jeff:
Canceled?! Well, do you want me to have a word with them?

Susan:
Hello.

Jane:
Hello. [She pushes Jeff aside] I'm Jane, Steven's girlfriend. [They shake hands]]

Susan:
[To Steve] You have a girlfriend?

Steve:
Well, at the moment.

Susan:
At the moment?

Steve:
You're early.

Jane:
Are you seeing this woman?

Steve:
No, no, not for another hour.

Jane:
Steve!

Steve:
Okay, yes, yes, we're on a date!

Jane:
I'm sorry Steve, but I simply won't tolerate that. Look, I'm very fond of you and I hope we'll always be friends, but I'm afraid this relationship is now over.

Jeff:
Yes!

Steve:
Sorry, just like that?

Jane:
I'm afraid so. I just wish you would have said something.

Susan:
Does somebody want to tell me what's going on? [Sally and Patrick arrive and Sally shoves Patrick out of the way upon spotting Susan] Sally, what are you doing here?

Sally:
I was feeling guilty. I should never have canceled your facial.

Susan:
Patrick?

Patrick:
Oh. Hi.

Susan:
Oh, what exactly is going on here?

Patrick:
You're asking me?! I can't believe your using our restaurant for your date! That's so thoughtless.

Susan:
Patrick, you are using our restaurant and my friend for your date!

Patrick:
Ok, you win that one.

Susan:
Ok, so let me guess, you asked him out the moment I dumped him, Sally, you don't even like him.

Sally:
I panicked. My neck looked old this morning.

Susan:
We'll talk later. Steve, you and I will talk now. [Jeff dives in]

Jeff:
Well, anyway, here we all are, on Steve and Susan's first date. Isn't this great? Let's all have dinner and plan the future! Table for six?

Steve:
Steve, what are you doing?! Are you worried we're going to talk about you or something?

Jeff:
No.

Susan:
Well, what is there to say? You know about him and me? The nerves thing?

Steve:
Well, yes, but don't worry about it. Jeff makes loads of women nervous. [Jeff dashes to sit down]

Susan:
You made me nervous?! You told him you made me nervous?! Mr. I've-lost-all-feeling-down-my-left-side". Mr. I-think-all-my-joints-have-locked-together", can you carry me home?

Steve:
Jeff?

Susan:
Didn't he tell you? He fainted.

Jeff:
I was only faking it so I wouldn't have to have sex with you. That wasn't a great defense, was it? [Jane is staring at Jeff] Oh! Look, sex can be very stressful for men! You judge us on technique, sensitivity, stamina, and we're just happy if your naked. Half naked. One breast.

Steve:
Oh Jeff, I can't believe what I'm hearing.

Jeff:
Yeah, but, you won't be hearing anymore. I'm staying and monitoring the rest of your conversation.

Susan:
Jeff, I want to talk to you privately.

Jeff:
No. No, your both friends of mine. If you get together, it affects me. I'm a legitimate part of this date.

Susan:
Go away, Jeff.

Steve:
Please.

Susan:
What do I have to do here, beg? Show you a breast?

Jeff:
All I'm saying is that for...ok.

Susan:
What?

Jeff:
Ok.

Susan:
Ok, what?

Jeff:
Ok on the breast thing. I'll go in exchange for a breast.

Susan:
I wasn't serious.

Jeff:
It's too late, I was.

Susan:
You've already seen them.

Jeff:
Yeah, during a panic attack, I was blind.

Susan:
You reckon you can take them now?

Jeff:
Well, singly.

Susan:
I wasn't serious, Jeff. You really think I'm going to flash you in public?

Patrick:
We're in a corner. I don't think anyone else will see.

Susan:
Patrick, what are you doing? You've seen them lots of times.

Patrick:
Yeah, but now, you're an ex.

Jeff:
Oh, yeah, that's the best. [Sally walks over]

Susan:
What are you two doing?

Sally:
Always good to see a friend's breast unsupported.

Jane:
And I just like looking at breasts.

Jeff:
This just gets better and better.

Susan:
Will you people get it into your heads? I am not doing this. [Steve walks over] Steve.

Steve:
Just in case you do, do it. You know, technically, I'm on a date with you. I don't want to end up a bread behind everybody else.

Sally:
Actually, Susan, that's fair.

Jeff:
I agree.

Susan:
Do you know what? I am gonna do this. I'm gonna do this just to show you how low, pathetic and desperate you've all become.

Jeff:
Result!

Susan:
But I want you to remember, I intend this breast satirically.

Patrick:
Now there's a sentence that can't come up too often.

Susan:
Ok, which one? Any preference?

Jeff:
Either.

Steve:
Don't mind.

Patrick:
The right one. Trust me.

Susan:
What's wrong with the left one?

Patrick:
Don't be like that. There has to be a second place.

Susan:
I wasn't aware you'd assessed them individually.

Patrick:
You were asleep. I was bored.

Susan:
OK, fine, remember this is just to show how low you have sunk

Patrick:
But we get to see a breast, right?

Susan:
Yes.

Patrick:
Cool.

Susan:
Ok, here we go. Fire one.

Jeff:
No, no, that's the left one. We want the good one.

Susan:
If you could only see how stupid you all look. [Susan opens her shirt and a waiter walks by] Table for six, please.

Waiter:
I'm sorry, I think we're fully booked.

Jeff:
She's got another one just like it, you know.

Patrick:
Yeah. Well, pretty much.

Susan:
Patrick!

Waiter:
Perhaps we're not fully booked. Let me go and see what I can do.

Steve:
I thought the plan was to get rid of everyone.

Susan:
New plan. Let's see, your ex, my ex, your best friend, my best friend. Well, every new relationship has baggage, so why not invite it all out for dinner?

Steve:
So, I take it this isn't a date anymore? Or, or is it? Are we still...

Susan:
Steve, I think in the circumstances, let's just take it one breast at a time.