Dan Vs., Season 1

[Dan is in the kitchen making meatloaf]

Dan:
That's Chris' knock. Sounds like he clipped his nails this morning. [Chris arrives] Finally.

Chris:
I came as soon as I got your message. Hey, do I smell meat loaf?

Dan:
Got my message? Why was your phone off?

Chris:
Well, my doctor says I'd sleep more if I didn't take your calls in the middle of the night.

Dan:
This is not okay. You never turn your phone off ever again. Promise me.

Chris:
So what do you need me for?

Dan:
Promise me!

Chris:
I promise. Why am I here?

Dan:
Vengeance. They built an animal shelter across the street.

Chris:
Another one?

Dan:
What do you mean another one?

Chris:
Well, Manfrangensen Animal Shelter's been there since before you moved in. It's an historic landmark. I'm sure we've talked about this before.

Dan:
What was that? I wasn't listening.

Chris:
What's the problem, Dan?

Dan:
Well, they won't let me sleep.

Chris:
[eating Dan's meatloaf] Who's that?

Dan:
Would you start paying attention? The howling beasts. But they'll get theirs.

Chris:
[eating Dan's meatloaf] How?

Dan:
You'll distract the incompetent at the counter. I'll sneak the poison into the kennel.

Chris:
Wait. Wait, are you planning to poison abandoned animals?

Dan:
I mean, kind of.

Chris:
No!

Dan:
Why not? They're just gonna go to sleep forever.

Chris:
Dan, these are innocent creatures that have been abandoned by an uncaring society.

Dan:
What if I just poison the guy who works there?

Chris:
That would be murder.

Dan:
But it's for a good cause. I can release the animals, and they can run free.

Chris:
I don't think that will sway the jury.

Dan:
So I just wasted my whole day making this poison meat loaf? [Chris eats all of Dan's poisoned meatloaf] Oh, no.

Chris:
Dan? Have I been poisoned? Dan?

Dan:
Have you been eating my poisoned meatloaf?

Chris:
Do you have more than 1 meatloaf?

Dan:
Who has more than 1 meatloaf!?

Chris:
[spins around] Oh no! Oh no!

Dan:
Maybe you should go ahead and sit down.

Chris:
I'm feeling pretty light-headed.

Dan:
Yeah. You've been poisoned. Seriously, you should sit down.

Chris:
I think I'm going to faint.

Dan:
Fall this way. I'll catch you. [Chris faints after eating the poisoned meatloaf] You really should have sat down. [grabs Chris] What are you, made of sand? Well, I'm not paying for an ambulance.