Dan Vs., Season 1

Dan:
[first lines] Ah, today's gonna be a good day. Aah! Aahh! Ow! Oof! Oh, great- there goes breakfast. Ow! My foot! Stupid thing! OW! My foot! Stupid thing! See? I learned. Ow! Don't even know why I put that lamp there in the first place. What the heck would you make a swinging lamp for? Makes me want to burn down the 70s. Ow! Oof! Was that an armadillo? I'm gonna laugh when you're roadkill. What the- Not my car! Cactus needles, red dirt, Adobe... NEEEW MEXICOOOOOOOO!!!

[Dan is kicking Chris' seat at the car]

Chris:
All this driving is making me sleepy. Dan! Stop, kicking my seat all right?

Dan:
Dan, [speaking gibberish]

Elise:
Something on your mind, Dan?

Dan:
How come she gets to sit in the front seat?

Chris:
Because that's our car.

Dan:
That's not fair! This is madness! What is she even doing here?

Elise:
You're not the only one with a grudge against New Mexico, Dan.

[Elise has a flashback of her being a little kid at New Mexico, road runners are surrounding her, taking away her cotton candy, and a cactus popping her balloon]

Little Elise:
My cotton candy! NEW MEXICOOOO!!!

[Elise's flashback ends]

Dan:
Hello? I asked what it did to you?

Elise:
I don't want to talk about it.

Dan:
You can't say something like that and not follow up. Chris, back me up on this. Chris!

[Chris is sleeping on the driver's seat and Elise steers the wheel as vehicles drive by]

Chris:
[while Dan helps him open his eyes] This is not necessary.

Dan:
It really is.

Chris:
Come on, we're in the desert. My eyes are drying out.

Dan:
Blink.

Elise:
Okay, I've got the granola, some fruit, Okay, I've got the granola, some fruit, a 6 pack of fennel juice, and Dan's peanut brittle.

Chris:
Did he give you money for that?

Elise:
No, but don't worry. I have enough.

Chris:
I got chips, some crunchy Cheese Wads, some chewy Cheese Wads, chocolate soda-

Elise:
Chris.

Chris:
Some fizzle sticks, Cocoa Blasters.

Elise:
Chris, remember what we talked about?

Chris:
Which time?

Elise:
About eating healthier.

Chris:
Oh, it doesn't count if we're on a road trip. Does it?

Elise:
It does.

Chris:
Oh. Alright. Alright, then I'll only get 1 thing.

Elise:
Thank you. I only worry about your health because I love--

Chris:
Yes! Milk shake machine! I choose milk shakes

Elise:
Okay.

Chris:
With cookies in them.

Elise:
Chris.

Chris:
It's still 1 thing if the cookies are inside the milk shake.

Elise:
Okay, but we're having salad for dinner.

Chris:
...Dan said we were having burgers.

Elise:
If Dan jumped off a cliff, would you? [Chris thinks about it] Chris!

Chris:
[stammers] I mean, it depends.

Elise:
Don't jump off a cliff!

Chris:
Well, I wasn't planning on it.

Elise:
But if Dan jumped, you would? [Chris thinks about it] CHRIS!

Dan:
What took you so long?

Chris:
Nice to see you too!

Dan:
Stupid Wolf-Man, I'll get you!

Chris:
There's no such thing as a Wolf-Man, Dan.

Dan:
How could you be so naive? Look at the fur, look at the paw prints!

Chris:
There's an animal shelter right there.

Dan:
Look!

Chris:
Those are sneaker prints.

Dan:
Exactly!

Chris:
Exactly what?

Dan:
What wears shoes but also has paws? The Wolf-Man!

Chris:
So you're saying that the Wolf-Man's a jogger.

Dan:
He's an evil beast with an unsavory bloodlust! Of course he jogs!

Chris:
If he's wearing shoes, what's with the paw prints?

Dan:
Obviously, he runs like this!

Chris:
He doesn't run like that in the movies.

Dan:
This isn't the movies - THIS IS REAL LIFE! STOP LIVING IN A FANTASY WORLD - THE WOLF-MAN SCRATCHED MY CAR, AND HE MUST PAY! NEXT MONTH!

Chris:
Why next month?

Dan:
Next full moon. Don't you watch movies?

Chris:
So what are we doing today?

Dan:
Nothing! Go home!

[the man is about to get sent to the ambulance]

Ambulance Guy 1:
He is not fine.

Ambulance Guy 2:
Yeah, he won't be getting up for a long time.

[Dan is walking down the pavement, holding a box of milk and a grocery bag holding a box of cookies. Ninja is following him]

Dan:
Another horrible day. Made slightly better with cookies and special lactose-free milk.

[Ninja cuts off the bottom of Dan's grocery bag, stealing Dan's cookies. Then, hidden in the bushes he eats one of the cookies.]

Ninja:
Yuck! Dry! Unsatysfying! Take that! [he throws a shurinken towards Dan, who's drinking the milk straight out of the box cutting the box in half and drenching Dan with milk]

Dan:
Hey! What the-!

Woman:
Umm, drinking problem much?

Dan:
There wasn't even a verb in that sentence! Just a lousy gerund. Where did that throwing star come from? [he touches the star, hurting his finger] Oh, well. At least I still have my cookies. [he reaches down the bag only to discover the bottom has been cut off] I can't believe this! [he pulls the shuriken out of the tree trunk where it was stuck before]

Ninja:
Elise, my ancient and sworn enemy. What a fruitous coincidence that stealing the angry little man's abominable cookies would lead me to you! Unfortunately for your friends, they know too much. Who eats cookies made without butter anyway?

Receptionist:
Hey, Danny! Welcome back! Let's update your forms.

Dan:
[walks away] It's "Dan" and I'm a grown man with grown man needs.

Chris:
Hey! I'll be over here. [sits down and read a book along with a little boy until Dan shows up] She was cute.

Dan:
She hates me.

Chris:
Were you rude to her?

Dan:
No! A little.

Chris:
Only a little. Wow- that's a big step for you. You should ask her out.

Dan:
Absolutely not! She's in league with the devil, a.k.a. my dentist.

Receptionist:
[voiceover] Danny, we're ready for you now.

Dan:
Call me "Danny" again and you'll be sorrier than you've ever been in your miserable worthless, tooth-scraping life.

Little Boy:
Your son is weird.

Chris:
He really is.

Chris:
Well, that was one of the worst experiences in my lifetime of bad experiences. You were unconscious for most of it.

Dan:
I had nightmares the whole time. It was horrible, I dreamt I was at the dentist's office getting my teeth fixed.

Chris:
At least your tooth is fixed. Oh, before I forget, the hygienist said you have to come back next week.

Dan:
What?

Chris:
Yeah, apparently you have a cavity they couldn't fill before the gas wore off.

Dan:
Oh! Now do you see what the dentist does?

Chris:
Fix teeth? He fixes teeth, Dan.

Dan:
Every time he fixes something, he breaks something else, like a crooked auto mechanic. It's how he keeps people coming back.

Chris:
You haven't been back since you learned to tie your shoes.

Dan:
And now twice in 1 week! Don't you think that's suspicious?

Chris:
Not really.

Dan:
Well, it is! And I'm gonna get him for it!

Chris:
Oh, what's your plan?

Dan:
We're gonna kidnap the dentist. Then you're gonna hold him down while I drill a hole in his face!

Chris:
Wow, I am so not okay with that.

Dan:
Oh, come on. You said you'd help.

Chris:
Look, I'm watching a movie with Elise in, like, an hour. Can I drop you off at home?

Dan:
Quisling.

Chris:
If I knew what that meant, would I be offended?

Dan:
Probably.

[Dan is in the kitchen making meatloaf]

Dan:
That's Chris' knock. Sounds like he clipped his nails this morning. [Chris arrives] Finally.

Chris:
I came as soon as I got your message. Hey, do I smell meat loaf?

Dan:
Got my message? Why was your phone off?

Chris:
Well, my doctor says I'd sleep more if I didn't take your calls in the middle of the night.

Dan:
This is not okay. You never turn your phone off ever again. Promise me.

Chris:
So what do you need me for?

Dan:
Promise me!

Chris:
I promise. Why am I here?

Dan:
Vengeance. They built an animal shelter across the street.

Chris:
Another one?

Dan:
What do you mean another one?

Chris:
Well, Manfrangensen Animal Shelter's been there since before you moved in. It's an historic landmark. I'm sure we've talked about this before.

Dan:
What was that? I wasn't listening.

Chris:
What's the problem, Dan?

Dan:
Well, they won't let me sleep.

Chris:
[eating Dan's meatloaf] Who's that?

Dan:
Would you start paying attention? The howling beasts. But they'll get theirs.

Chris:
[eating Dan's meatloaf] How?

Dan:
You'll distract the incompetent at the counter. I'll sneak the poison into the kennel.

Chris:
Wait. Wait, are you planning to poison abandoned animals?

Dan:
I mean, kind of.

Chris:
No!

Dan:
Why not? They're just gonna go to sleep forever.

Chris:
Dan, these are innocent creatures that have been abandoned by an uncaring society.

Dan:
What if I just poison the guy who works there?

Chris:
That would be murder.

Dan:
But it's for a good cause. I can release the animals, and they can run free.

Chris:
I don't think that will sway the jury.

Dan:
So I just wasted my whole day making this poison meat loaf? [Chris eats all of Dan's poisoned meatloaf] Oh, no.

Chris:
Dan? Have I been poisoned? Dan?

Dan:
Have you been eating my poisoned meatloaf?

Chris:
Do you have more than 1 meatloaf?

Dan:
Who has more than 1 meatloaf!?

Chris:
[spins around] Oh no! Oh no!

Dan:
Maybe you should go ahead and sit down.

Chris:
I'm feeling pretty light-headed.

Dan:
Yeah. You've been poisoned. Seriously, you should sit down.

Chris:
I think I'm going to faint.

Dan:
Fall this way. I'll catch you. [Chris faints after eating the poisoned meatloaf] You really should have sat down. [grabs Chris] What are you, made of sand? Well, I'm not paying for an ambulance.

Elise:
[at home] Hello?

Dan:
It's Dan. I've got some good news and some bad news.

Elise:
Is Chris with you?

Dan:
Chris isn't really with us anymore. He's dead.

Elise:
WHAT?

Dan:
Well, not dead, but poisoned.

Elise:
POISONED?!

Dan:
But the hospital thinks he has a broken arm.

Elise:
You're not making any sense!

Dan:
Yes, I really should have planned out what I'd say before I called you.

Elise:
Is Chris okay?

Dan:
No, he's dead. I mean, no, he's not.

Elise:
Where are you?

Dan:
I'm at a pay phone.

Elise:
And where is Chris?

Dan:
I don't know. They took him. Down the hall somewhere, I think.

Elise:
[pops the stress toy and angrily panics quietly] Are you at the hospital?

Dan:
Of course! What have I been saying this whole time?

Elise:
[angrily] I'll be there in 5 minutes, and I am not happy!

Dan:
Like I am? [cut to the hospital room where him and Elise are with Chris] Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

Elise:
Say beep 1 more time.

Dan:
Beep?

Elise:
[punches Dan] Be serious! He still hasn't woken up!

Dan:
Oh, he's fine. They said they got most of the poison out. He's in a better place now.

Elise:
Better place? He's in a hospital. This is pretty much the worst place you can be!

Dan:
I would think shark tank.

Elise:
Dan!

Dan:
Well, whose fault is this anyway?

Elise:
Yours!

Dan:
No way. Listen, if you walk into somebody's house and you see a meat loaf on the counter, do you just dig right in? He didn't even ask.

Elise:
You know Chris is on the see-food diet.

Dan:
That's no excuse for monkey wrenching my plans. Also, meatloaf isn't seafood. [pause] Oh, seafood. I get it. It's a good thing you still have a sense of humor even though Chris is dead. Dying. Poisoned. Whatever. He's fine.

Elise:
I am going to get some tea. DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING! [leaves]

Dan:
Finally. Do you want to tag along on my revenge? Yes, I do. Do you want to pay for everything with your credit cards? I don't know. Oh, come on. We'll have a blast. Well, all right. Can I get a milk shake later? Of course you can, buddy. [he steals a patient's clothes and puts it on Chris] This is the 3rd most uncomfortable thing I've had to do all week. [cut to him with Chris in a wheelchair] Doctor.

Doctor:
Doctor.

[Dan arrives at Burgerphile with a poisoned Chris]

Hortence:
Welcome to Burgerphile, home of the world-famous burger bowl.

Dan:
World-famous? Whatever you say, sweetness. Get me a plain burger, small cola, and a milk shake for my friend here. That's a plain burger, no cheese. I'm lactose-intolerant. You put cheese on my burger, I will die, You put cheese on my burger, I will die, but not before I burn this place to the ground!

Hortence:
That'll be $2.98, sir.

Dan:
Keep the change, pumpkin. You're okay, buddy. [at the table] Ketchup, the one true condiment. Here's your milk shake, slugger. "Thanks, Dan. You're my best friend." I know. "l love you." Um I feel somewhat warmly towards you, but to be honest, this conversation's making me uncomfortable. [his phone rings] Thank goodness. It's Elise. I'll get it. Yello.

Elise:
Where have you taken Chris? Somebody stole him from the hospital.

Dan:
And you just assume it was me.

Elise:
I saw the security tapes! You also took our car!

Dan:
Possession is nine-tenths of the law, I'll have you know. Technically Chris is mine now.

Elise:
Bring him back to the hospital this instant! He needs medical care!

Dan:
Bring him back? Why? We're having a great time. Sure, he's a little pale and his breathing's shallow, but he's fine. Plus he's going to help me blow up-- I mean, run some errands. I can drop him off when we're done.

Elise:
Bring him back now, Dan!

Dan:
What's that? You're breaking up! Crackle! Crackle! Buzz!

Elise:
You're not even making the noises. You're just saying crackle and buzz.

Dan:
Crackle! Buzz! [hangs up the phone] Revenge is hard enough without these stupid distractions. [when Dan's phone rings again, he throws it off, and drinks Chris' milkshake] Oh, no. [shocked] Chris, why did you let me drink your milk shake? [cut to outside of Burgerphile] I've got to get to my medicine. Come on. [he feels pain in his stomach as Chris rolls off] Curse you, Burgerphile! You're going on the list. [cut to his apartment] Medicine. Need my medicine. Man. I need to vacuum. Of course. Stay here. I'm going to run to the drugstore.

Elise:
[hits the door on Dan as she arrives to pick him up from Dan's apartment] Oh, Chris. [angrily] Dan! You have 3 seconds to explain yourself!

Dan:
We got dynamite. Okay, just don't jostle me or anything. My guts are killing me. [Elise punches him] Ohh! My guts. [Elise takes Chris out while he is on the floor] Hello, floor. You and I are going to be spending some time together. Ah, yes. Great. More barking. There's the icing on my awfulness cake.

[Dan is at home and makes a phone call to Chris while he's at the park with Elise]

Chris:
Hello.

Dan:
I'M COVERED IN SYRUP!

Chris:
Who is this?

Dan:
Get over here right now. We're going to war with Canada. [falls to the floor sticky as a split screen closes]

Elise:
What's going on with Dan? Did he say something about syrup?

Chris:
Yes. He's covered in it. Now he wants revenge on Canada.

Elise:
Oh, that Dan.

Chris:
Always covered in something.

Elise:
[checks Chris' temp] Oh, 102.

Dan:
[on the phone, sick] Chris, get over here. Make me some soup.

Chris:
Who's that? [hangs up]

Elise:
Telemarketer. I'm going to get you some more tea.

Dan:
[after Chris hung up on him] Chicken noodle. Maybe some beef broth. Hello?

[when the parking lot had a massive explosion]

Chris:
Real nice, Dan. You almost killed us. Way to go.

Dan:
Almost only counts in horseshoes and- [another explosion is heard]

Dan:
[finds Hal] Helicopter Hal, we meet at last. Nice jacket.

Helicopter Hal:
I don't sign autographs, thanks.

Dan:
Oh, I'm no fan. [punches Hal]

Helicopter Hal:
Why?

Dan:
That's for making me pee!

Helicopter Hal:
What?

Dan:
You love traffic!

Helicopter Hal:
Well, it is my bread and butter!

Dan:
[punches him again] That's 'cause I can't digest butter!

Helicopter Hal:
Well, how is that my fault? You can't just punch a celebrity!

Dan:
I didn't! Now get in there and fly this thing.

[the helicopter flies off]

[Dan, Elise, and Chris are at the Dinner theatre watching a particularly bad performance of Romeo and Juliet]

Dan:
Oh, this is terrible, come on! [everyone tells him to be quiet] Why are they shushing me? It's those Apple Johns onstage who are butchering the material.

Man:
[walks up to Dan] Please be quiet. You're disturbing the other patrons. [spills the soup on Dan's lap] Oops.

Dan:
OW! You scalded me, you jackanape!

Man:
Sir, I've already asked you to keep it down.

Theater Main Actor:
What clodpole disturbs the traffic of our stage?

Nervous Actor:
[walks up to Dan] Alright, sir, it is time for you to make haste.

Dan:
You don't tell me what to make. Unhand me! [gets thrown out of the dinner theatre] Throw me out? I'll throw you out, stupid hacks, misinterpreting the material. [the police officer walks up to him] It's the Bard, for crying out loud. No respect.

Police Officer:
Sir, there's no loitering here.

Dan:
I'm not loitering. I was thrown out of the theater for having taste, and now I'm waiting for my friends. Well, my friend and his wife.

Police Officer:
Sure, you are. Listen, sir, although I'm concerned with the plight of the homeless--

Dan:
[yelling] I'M NOT HOMELESS!

Police Officer:
[gives Dan a ticket] Then here's your ticket for loitering.

Dan:
Loitering?

Police Officer:
Move along, sir. Don't make me arrest you.

Dan:
It's never-ending with this place. Got the cops on the take. [walks off]

[Dan is at home and makes a phone call to Chris while he is with Elise at Ninja Dave's Cookies]

Chris:
Hello.

Dan:
We have to make them pay. They bruised my face with frozen produce. They are going down. Come over right now.

Chris:
Nope. I'm on a date.

Dan:
With Elise?

Elise:
Yes, Dan.

Dan:
You'd rather spend time with some girl than help me get revenge? When are you going to grow up? [hangs up]

Dan:
Baseball is a contemptible sport. It's not contemptible. It needs to pay. It ruined my TV time, and it broke the side mirror on my car.

Chris:
How exactly?

Dan:
It preempted my stories.

Chris:
I meant the mirror thing.

Dan:
Don't get bogged down with minutiae. Drive me to Washington. I am going to yell at the president of baseball.

Chris:
He's called a commissioner.

Dan:
Oh, commissioner. La-dee-da. I'll have him reimburse me for my mirror and promise never to preempt my show again.

Chris:
How do you plan to do that?

Dan:
Step 1, you drive me to Washington. Step 2, shut up.

Chris:
Okay, I'll go.

Dan:
I don't want to hear your excuses, you miserable— wait, did you say "okay?"

Chris:
Yeah, do you think we could try and get into the World Series? I mean, the last game's being played there in three days.

Dan:
Wait. You like baseball?

Chris:
I really do. Plus I'm on my own this weekend. Elise is--

Dan:
Irrelevant. We go to see the Commissioner. If he won't meet my demands, then you have to break his legs, okay?

Chris:
Uh, no.

Dan:
Fine. 1 leg. Come and pick me up.

Dan:
[after seeing the photos on TV] Oh, look at that! Those pictures don't even look like us!

Chris:
Actually, Dan, it's probably a really good thing if the police sketches don't look like us. Don't be so sensitive.

[the Salvation Armed Forces truck comes to pick up the chair from the house]

Salvation Armed Forces Guy:
Sir! Thank you for your generous donation, sir. [opens the back of the truck]

Chris:
No problem.

Salvation Armed Forces Guy:
This old thing was just sitting around.

Dan:
[inside the chair] Ow!

Chris:
Shhh! -hould I, uh, help you move it? It's deceptively heavy. And misanthropic.

Salvation Armed Forces Guy:
That would be great. [he and Chris lift the chair and put it in the truck] What was that sir?

Chris:
Nothing. Enjoy the Dan. Chair. The chair's name... is "Dan". Goodbye chair.

[the Salvation Armed Forces Guy closes the truck]

Dan:
[voiceover] Attention!

Clerk:
[falls over from his chair] Who are you suppose to be?

Dan:
[dressed up wearing a marching band costume] I'm General... Anesthesia, commander-in-chief of the Salvation Armed Forces.

Clerk:
Well, I have never heard of you.

Dan:
Well, sure, that's because - SCORPIONS! [throws bucket of scorpions on him, causing him to scream] Oh, calm down. They only sting when you scream.

Clerk:
I CAN'T STOP SCREAMIN'!

[Dan leaves the clerk's building and begins talking through a walkie talkie]

Dan:
[through a walkie-talkie] The football is in play. The football is in play. Over.

Walkie-Talkie:
Was that the code?

Dan:
[through a walkie-talkie] Yes! Over!

Walkie-Talkie:
I forgot what that one meant.

Dan:
[through a walkie-talkie] It means I have disabled the guard, and you guys can come out now! Over!

Walkie-Talkie:
Oh, right. Gotacha!

Dan:
[through a walkie-talkie] NO! You don't say "gotcha". It's "Roger".

Walkie-Talkie:
Oh, right. Gotcha!

Dan:
Oh, I hate that guy.

Walkie-Talkie:
Hey Roger? The radio's still on.

Dan:
[as he gets caught by a sandstorm] There's sand everywhere! It's so obnoxious! There's sand everywhere! It's so obnoxious!

Lifeguard:
So you have a husband?

Elise:
Not anymore.

Lifeguard:
Let's go on a date.

Elise:
Snap out of it, Chris!

Lifeguard:
Where?

[cuts to Dan who is wearing Elise's hair]

Dan:
I said, snap out of it, Chris! [slaps Chris as the boat sinks] The boat is sinking! Again! This is why I don't buy anything built by Americans. We have zero standards for safety.

Chris:
I can't die now. I have to stop Elise from dating that lifeguard.

Dan:
I don't think I have a choice. But hey, on the bright side, I hear drowning's a very peaceful way to go. Apparently there's a soundtrack. [sees a friendship boat appearing]

Chris:
Ha! A boat! Over here! Help! [a pirate sticks out two fingers] We're saved!

Dan:
[pops his head up] Missionaires! I knew it!

Chris:
Can we turn the spooky music off?

Madame Zelda:
No. The spirits like it. Let us all join hands.

Chris:
When was the last time you washed your hands?

Dan:
Don't have to. Cat licks them clean.

Madame Zelda:
Now I will call upon the spirit of George Washington. Are you there, Mr. President? Make a noise if you are with us.

Dan:
He's here.

Chris:
She just kicked the table. Ow! Someone just kicked me.

Madame Zelda:
George Washington will take possession of my body. [starts talking in an American accent] Hello. It is I, George Washington, 1st President of the United States, commander of the Confederate Army.

Chris:
Continental Army.

Madame Zelda:
That's what I said.

Chris:
Is not-- Ow!

Dan:
Is it really you, Mr. Washington?

Madame Zelda:
Yes. Now what question can I help you with?

[Dan gets an ax and gets ready to attack Madame Zelda]

Chris:
Dan, no!

Madame Zelda:
What are you, a psychopath?

Dan:
Chris, hold George Washington down while I get the ax free!

Chris:
There is no way I'm gonna help you murder a psychic, even a fake one! [pulls Dan and the ax off]

Madame Zelda:
The spell is broken.

Dan:
Oh, come on!

Madame Zelda:
You can't hurt a spirit, you fool.

Dan:
Well, you should have told me that before we started.

Madame Zelda:
Just give me my $50 and get out.

Dan:
You don't see dollar 1 until I speak with George Washington.

Madame Zelda:
Remember, get paid first. Fine. I will summon the great George Washington once more, but you must promise.

Chris:
Not to kill you. We promise, right, Dan? Dan?

Dan:
Fine. It wouldn't hurt George Washington anyway, apparently.

Chris:
But it would land us in prison for the rest of our lives.

Madame Zelda:
Ahem! What is it that I, the great and powerful George Washington, can help you with?

Chris:
This is ridiculous. That's not the kind of thing George Washington would say.

Dan:
So you're the expert? Okay, professor, ask him a question, then.

Chris:
Fine. What's your middle name, George?

Madame Zelda:
I didn't have one?

Chris:
Actually, I think that's right.

Dan:
You have got to learn to trust the experts. I wanted to tell you that I know it was you who chopped down the tree outside my apartment and smashed my car, and I am going to make you pay!

Madame Zelda:
Oh, please. I'm the Father of Our Country. You're just an angry little man with a smashed car. Thousands of people still visit my home every week. Does anyone visit your home?

Dan:
I'm waiting until I clean it before I have company over.

Chris:
Come on. Let's go.

Dan:
This isn't over.

[Chris takes Dan out]

Madame Zelda:
The things I do for 50 bucks. [gasps] Wait! Madame Zelda demands a full payment!

Chris:
[at the car] That was a waste of time.

Dan:
Are you kidding me? Were we not in the same seance? He bragged about his house. That's what he's most proud of, Mount Vernon, so that's what we're going to take away from him.

Dan:
I can't believe that you bought her along! This is terrible!

Chris:
You have been complaining for the last 6 hours.

Elise:
Yeah, give it a rest. I'm going with you. I'm in the car and everything.

Dan:
Can't we drop her off somewhere? She'll find a way home. She always does!

Elise:
I'm coming along to get revenge on George Washington.

Dan:
The last thing I need is- Really?

Elise:
Yes!

Dan:
Oh thanks. I would also like shotgun.

Elise:
You can't have it. How are you planning on destroying Mount Vernon anyway?

Dan:
I have a bunch of explosives in the trunk. That reminds me. Don't get into an accident. And you might want to take speed bumps very slowly.

Elise:
[whispering] Couldn't we just take him to an abandoned house somewhere and tell him it's Mount Vernon?

Chris:
Dan has a very strange patchwork of knowledge. It's anybody's guess what he knows about any given topic. Watch: Dan? Who made Mt. Rushmore?

Dan:
Gutzon Borglum. Then his son finished it. Why?

Chris:
And what state is it in?

Dan:
D- I don't know, Ecuador something?! What's with all the questions?

Elise:
So there is a savant half.

Hiram:
Home, sweet home.

Dan:
Lovely place you have here.

Hiram:
Now, if you boys are thirsty, that kettle's where I sterilize my drinking water.

Chris:
Actually, I am a bit parched.

Hiram:
It's also where I take my baths.

Dan:
What time is it, by the way?

Hiram:
Well, let's see. According to the stars, it's nigh on 8:53.

Dan:
Where's your television? My stories are about to come on.

Hiram:
Television? Oh, not in my house. Tell you what, why don't you entertain yourself with my zoetrope?

Dan:
[while looking at Hiram's zoetrope] So does this guy ever blow up or something? I mean there's not even a story arc.

Hiram:
I got one of a plus-sized woman in a bubble bath. But it's... ahh, it's for my eyes only, if you get me.

Chris:
[flatly] We get you.

Chris:
So can we go home now?

Dan:
Have we derailed Barry Ditmer's plans yet? Have we stopped the momentum of technological progress?

Chris:
You have to let this go, Dan. Don't you see the parallels between yourself and Hiram?

Dan:
What are you talking about?

Chris:
Oh, well, you hate technology. He hates technology. He's incredibly angry. You're incredibly angry.

Dan:
Who's angry? How dare you! I'll strangle you!

Chris:
See?

Dan:
I'll admit there does seem to be a tenuous connection.

Chris:
If you don't change your ways, you'll end up just like him.

Dan:
Oh, I think that's a stretch.

Chris:
You know what? We are going to talk about this. [stops the car]

Dan:
We should probably get further away from the ax murderer before we stop the car.

Chris:
We've gone 30 miles. There's no way he could cover that kind of distance on foot. [he and Dan scream as they see an ax on the car]

Hiram:
To the ends of the Earth!

Chris:
Well, I've been wrong before.

[Dan gets ready to have his haircut]

Dan:
One haircut, my good man, and make me look dashing. Sounds like somebody's got a date. Well, hop up. I do have a date. She's cute, and she likes zombie spaghetti westerns, a cinematic subgenre of which I consider myself a connoisseur. We are going to see "A Fistful of Brains" tonight. She sounds like the perfect girl. Don't I know it. And pretty too.

Barber:
Why do you have her driver's license?

Dan:
To run a background check, make sure she's not a serial killer or an organ donor. They don't always wait till you're dead, you know. Possibly the future ex-Mrs. Dan if she plays her cards right.

Barber:
Well, don't worry. I'll make sure you look nice and handsome for your date. [cuts his hair with a razor offscreen]

Dan:
[inside the barber shop] NOOOO! You made me a monster!

Barber:
Wait! You forgot your lollipop!

[Dan runs off and hides his haircut]

[Dan heads to the barber shop with a hedge trimmer]

Dan:
Well, I guess there's nothing left to do but, [he tries to chainsaw through the door until it breaks, he drops the hedge trimmer, and heads inside the barber shop] Now where could you have gone? [stares at a picture of a lake and a cabin] Now I know where you're headed. That will teach you to personalize your work space.

Chris:
I can't believe she thinks I have bad taste. Well, when I get back from this museum, I'll be the most educated, refined art lover that ever lived. She'll see. I mean, it's just art. How complicated could it be? What's this supposed to be, a steering wheel? This isn't helping at all. How am I supposed to tell the good art from the bad?

Dan:
It's all bad. All right, back to basics. [he gets ready to light up a painting but a old security guard takes it away from him] Huh?

Old Security Guard:
No open flames in the museum. [walks away with Dan's lighter]

Dan:
Hey, that's my favorite lighter. You think I won't hurt an old man? I'll hurt an old man. [the security guard picks him up] Unhand me! He's getting away.

[Chris is staring at a picture of a flower. Next, Dan and Chris are sitting at an museum's bench]

Chris:
[while eating a fake burger] Museum food tastes like plastic.

Dan:
Another reason why art must suffer.

Old Security Guard:
[walks up to Dan and Chris] You can't touch the art.

Dan:
Um, neither of us are touching any art, grandpa.

Security Guard:
First of all, that's my grandpa, not yours, and second, you're sitting on a one-of-a-kind masterpiece.

Dan:
The bench? The bench is art now?

Security Guard:
And the sandwich.

Chris:
[gasps] Oh. Sorry.

Security Guard:
Wasn't there also an apple pie?

[when Chris' stomach gumbles, the security guard kick Dan and Chris out of the museum]

Chris:
This whole art thing is just so frustrating. It's giving me a stomachache. I think some of that exhibit was toxic.

Dan:
[reads the poster] That's him. That's the guy I should be after, the so-called "artist" who ruined my car. Come on, Chris.

Chris:
I don't know. I should probably go to the hospital. I ate a whole plastic pie.

Dan:
No time. We have a mission. To make Art Artstein art history. Let's go. [he bumps himself to the street painting]

[Dan and Chris are having a split-screen phone chat]

Chris:
What now?

Dan:
There's no way to ruin art.

Chris:
What do you mean? We ruined it.

Dan:
I thought we did, but somehow we made it better.

Chris:
Wait. People liked our pointless squiggles? But if that's art and benches are art and sunflowers are sometimes art and then some art can be eaten even though it shouldn't be, then-- but-- I am never going to figure this out.

Dan:
If there's no way to ruin art that already exists, I'll have to cut it off at its source. Art Artstein, prepare for a close encounter of the Dan kind.

Chris:
I guess if anyone could explain art to me, it'd be someone named Art.

Dan:
I just want to go to the Renaissance Faire with my best friend, and your parents are getting in the way of that.

Elise:
You think they're inconveniencing you? Ever since I was a kid, nothing I've ever done has been good enough. Straight A's, full scholarships, captain of every conceivable team the schools had, everything never enough. Why do you think I became a top operative in a shadowy, quasi governmental organization?

Dan:
Wait, what was that?

Elise:
What? Oh, never mind. The point is my parents will have a perfect week and for once not have anything to criticize me about.

Dan:
You know you married Chris, right? Well, what am l supposed to do with this bag of common household rats?

Elise:
Don't you even think about it.

Dan:
Come on. I spent all day collecting these little guys.

Elise:
Let's establish some ground rules. 1. You will not mess up my house in any way.

Dan:
Fine.

Elise:
2. You will not cause my parents bodily harm of any kind. 3. You will not set anything they own on fire.

Dan:
Oh, come on!

Elise:
4. If and when you engage them in conversation, you will be polite and pleasant. If you aren't, they'll need dental records to identify your body. You get me?

Dan:
Joke's on you. I don't have dental records.

Elise:
And take those rats somewhere else! [leaves]

Chris:
You know, maybe working in a cupcake shop won't be so bad.

Elise:
Yes, it will be.

Chris:
It'll give me a chance to get to know Don, see what he's like once you get past that gruff exterior.

Elise:
There's a gruff interior that's exactly the same.

Chris:
Oh well, at least I'll be surrounded by-

Elise:
You won't be allowed to eat any of the cupcakes.

Chris:
Wait, I'll be surrounded by food all day and not allowed to eat it?

Elise:
That's the food industry for you.

Chris:
That sounds like one of the circles of Dante's Inferno.

Elise:
Only less fun.

Dan:
Another great turkey sandwich from The Sub-Marine. Italian roll, spicy mustard, mayo, no cheese, no meddling vegetables. Mmm. You know, you might be the perfect food.

Talking Sandwich:
I like you, Dan. You're always right.

Dan:
Thanks, talking sandwich. [he dances with the sandwhich until he falls to the floor] Aw! I've got to stop eating candy for dinner.

Elise:
Hey! What are you doing? I said be discreet.

Chris:
I'm trying to chew quietly.

Elise:
Never mind that. I've found something for you to do.

Chris:
Oh, you're the best.

Elise:
Don't eat that! I just put knockout powder on those. I need you to deliver them to the sous-chefs guarding the vault. Then open the door for Dan. You think you can handle that?

Chris:
[sighs] You know, I'm sorry. This is not how I pictured our anniversary.

Elise:
I have a confession to make. Until you mentioned it, I didn't know today was our anniversary.

Chris:
Wait. Until you mentioned it, I didn't know it was our anniversary either.

Elise:
Is it our anniversary?

Chris:
I don't know. Let's think. What did we do on our last anniversary.

Elise:
We were going to go to a party, but Dan wouldn't get out of our walls.

Chris:
Right. And the year before, we were gonna go to a picnic.

Elise:
And we spent the whole day with the bail bondsman.

Chris:
Yeah, Dan had that whole nun thing.

Elise:
You know what? I's not our anniversary.

Chris:
And do you know what else? I don't care. I don't want to wait for a special occasion to take my beautiful wife out to dinner.

Elise:
You are so sweet. Now go knock out those guards.

[Dan goes inside his apartment and meets with Imposter Dan that looks similar to him]

Imposter Dan:
This Saturday? I'll be there. [Dan looks shocked] Oh. Got to go, Jer. Well this is embarrassing. I figured you'd be at court at least another hour.

Dan:
Who are you?

Imposter Dan:
Who are you?

Dan:
I'm Dan.

Imposter Dan:
I'm Dan.

Dan:
Stop it.

Imposter Dan:
Stop it. I should probably just go. [he runs out of Dan's apartment]

Dan:
Hey, those are my clothes! Stop, clothes thief! [Imposter Dan twists his arm] Who are you?

Imposter Dan:
I told you already. I'm Dan. The question is who are you? [he runs off]

Imposter Dan:
[opens the door] May I help you?

Chris:
He's real!

Dan:
What are you doing in my apartment?

Imposter Dan:
Oh, well, this is my apartment. Everything that you used to have is mine. I'm Dan now. You're going to have to find yourself a NEW identity.

Elise:
Why would anyone want to be Dan?

Imposter Dan:
I'm so glad you asked that, Elise. And by the way, you don't look anything like the unflattering drawings Dan has of you in his journal.

Dan:
You've been reading my journal?

Elise:
What does he mean, "unflattering"?

Imposter Dan:
You ask, why Dan? Well, most people have a network of friends and family who know and love them, making it near impossible to steal their identities, but Dan here is off-putting and angry.

Dan:
[turns red, yelling] OFF-PUTTING?! ANGRY!?

Imposter Dan:
That's just the tip of the iceberg. Tell me, what do you have to show for your lifetime of apathy and petty vengeance?

Dan:
Well, I... I have a foosball table... so I got that going for me.

Imposter Dan:
You don't even like foosball.

Dan:
He's right. I'm an air hockey man.

Imposter Dan:
You have alienated everyone in your life except for Chris and Elise, and I have a feeling at least one of them is gettable.

Dan:
ATTACK! [he gets ready to fight with Imposter Dan but Elise stops him]

Elise:
Let's hear him out. What exactly do you want?

Imposter Dan:
Oh, I've already got it. A place to live, a television. A kitty who loves me, and friends all over the neighborhood, friends who know me as Dan, the neighbor who cares; Dan, the neighbor who lives in apartment 8. So, if you don't leave immediately, I'll be forced to shoot you in self-defense. Good day. [closes the door and locks it]

Chris:
That last part sounded a little like you.

Dan:
Your probably wondering why I'm wearing face paint and attacking you with a plastic toy hatchet?

Chris:
Oh, is it "Put on Face Paint and Attack Your Best Friend with a Hatchet Day" already?

Dan:
That's not till January. It's Dismemberfest.

Chris:
Ah, the horror film festival.

Dan:
You got it. Slasher Cats starts at noon tomorrow, followed by Eek! The Murderer.

Chris:
I can't go this year, Dan. Elise's parents are taking us on a camping trip.

Dan:
You have got to be kidding me.

Chris:
Hey, I'm not happy about it either. Although I must admit I don't like those movies anyway.

Dan:
But it's no fun going to slasher movies by myself.

Chris:
Sorry, but I have an opportunity to finally get Don and Elise Sr. to like me.

Dan:
When are you going to learn they are your in-laws-- natural enemies, like sharks and robots?

Chris:
Anyway, we're going up to Lake Sequester - for the weekend, and-

Dan:
Whoa, whoa. Where?

Chris:
Lake Sequester.

Dan:
Oh, you won't go to slasher movies, but you'll go there?

Chris:
Sure.

Dan:
Why not? Are you kidding me? It's where the Hockey Mask Maniac ran amuck 10 years ago. It's the basis for the goriest, bloodiest, most iconic slasher movie of them all, The Campground Chain Saw Unpleasantness.

Chris:
Okay, you should go now.

Dan:
Well, I'm not leaving until you agree to- [Chris lifts him] Hey, let me go! Unhand me, I say!

Chris:
I'm going on the family camping trip, Dan, and that's final. [leaves]

Dan:
Are you trying to kill me?

Elise:
Don't tempt me.

Don What are you doing here?

Dan:
Obviously, I'm sneaking up on you. Just give me what is rightfully mine, and I'll go.

Elise Sr.:
What do you want exactly?

Dan:
Chris.

Don:
I don't know. Sounds reasonable.

Elise Sr.:
Don, stop it. We are not giving him Chris, even if we'd like to.

Chris:
Dan, this is really unacceptable.

Dan:
It's all your fault.

Chris:
This is not my fault.

Elise Sr.:
It's kind of your fault. He's your friend.

Dan:
If you'd just come with me to Dismemberfest.

Elise:
Okay, let's go. Dan, you are not invited on this camping trip, don't follow.

Dan:
Your not the boss of me, lady. I go where I plea- Hey! Is that my car battery? I'LL PUT YOU ON THE LIST! I'LL PUT ALL OF YOU ON THE LIST!

Hortence:
Oh, hey. Haven't seen you in a while. How have you been?

Dan:
Great. Well, not great, but good. Well, not good, despondent. You look nice. Anyway, I just went through drive-thru and you guys got my order wrong. Well, not you, specifically, I mean--

Jeremiah:
What seems to be the problem here?

Hortence:
This gentleman got the wrong order.

Jeremiah:
That's impossible. I'm pretty sure the mistake is on your end, sir.

Dan:
What?! This burger has cheese on it! I'm allergic to cheese.

Jeremiah:
You must have forgotten to ask for it without cheese.

Dan:
I would never forget to ask that! It was the first thing I said!

Jeremiah:
Look, sir. I don't want to call you a liar, but I have a perfect record of customer service. No mistakes. Jeremiah Burger, founder, president, chairman, and CEO of Jeremiah Burger Foods Limited, once personally commended my unblemished track record.

Dan:
I don't care if you sprang fully formed from the head of Zeus! You messed up! Either give me what I paid for or give me my money back!

Jeremiah:
Well, neither of those things are going to happen. Mac, Karl. Please escort this gentleman off the premises.

[Mac and Karl grab Dan]

Dan:
This is an outrage! I demand satisfaction!

Hortence:
I'm really sorry, sir.

Jeremiah:
Don't apologize to him.

Hortence:
Sorry, sir.

Dan:
I'll get you for this! I will have my cheese-less burger and you shall be blemished, sir! Blemished! [gets thrown outside]

Chris:
How'd it go?

[Chris and Elise find Dan tied up with Hortence]

Elise:
Wow, Dan. You've really started something.

Dan:
Yup. I think they're about to cave. They're so busy fielding complaints, they're not even serving food.

Chris:
Oh. We were going to grab dinner.

Elise:
Oh, don't worry. We can just go across the street. I see you've made a new friend, Dan.

Hortence:
I'm Hortence. Dan's girlfriend.

Elise:
Wow, Dan. Way to go.

Dan:
Why are you so surprised? The ladies love me. What? They do.

Chris:
[while walking with Dan] Can we please pick up the pace?

Dan:
Hey, you shouldn't have come with me on errand day if you didn't have the time.

Chris:
You said, you needed a ride, and you only had 1 thing to do.

Dan:
Yeah, run errands. Plus, you got something, too.

Chris:
1 thing. At 1 place. I had to pick it up for Elise's birthday. [shows Dan the necklace] Nice, huh?

Dan:
The box is okay I guess.

Chris:
It's a heirloom. It was the only thing of value my great-great grandmother brought her to this country. I got it engraved, see? [shows it to Dan]

Dan:
Who's Elsie?

Chris:
What? Oh no.

Dan:
What's going on here? [drops all of his stuff on the sidewalk]

Magnifico the Magnificent:
Ta-da!

Dan:
Oh magic. Never mind, we're going.

Chris:
Cool, magic!

Dan:
Seriously? How old are you?

Chris:
Magicians have powers that normal humans can't understand Dan.

Dan:
No, they have gimmicky deck of cards and thinly-veiled distractions. You will feel a punch. Watch this hand! [punches Chris in the stomach]

Chris:
Ow! How'd you do that?

Magnifico the Magnificent:
For my next illusion, I'll need a volunteer. How about you? [jumps on the floor] Behold! A necklace. [makes a magic trick to Chris' necklace] Transportatum necloranicum.

Chris:
[looks at his necklace box] It's gone.

[everybody cheers]

Dan:
Okay, now let's make it reappear so we can all get on with our lives.

Magnifico the Magnificent:
I'm sorry, but that would be impossible. I banished it to the 4th dimension of the universe.

Chris:
What? Oh, no.

Magnifico the Magnificent:
Oh, yes. Your necklace is now in another realm. A small price to pay for magic!

[everybody cheers]

Dan:
Hey, buddy. You might fool children and Chris here. But we both know that magic is a scam. Now give my friend his necklace back.

Magnifico the Magnificent:
Abra Cadabra! [shows up with an underwear]

Dan:
Wait, those look like- [looks in his pants]

Magnifico the Magnificent:
Abra Cadabra! [disappears and drives away]

Dan:
Hey! I know you're in there!

Chris:
It's no use, Dan. You can't fight a magician.

Dan:
For the last time, magic is not real!

Chris:
[holding a stick with an underwear] So, this isn't your underwear?

[Chris and Dan are chained up]

Chris:
Dan? Dan? Dan!

Dan:
Wha-- where am l?

Chris:
Magnifico did magic on you.

Dan:
He did not!

Chris:
He did! He stopped you dead in your tracks. It was magic, real magic.

Timmy:
Hey, mister. Lemonade?

Chris:
No, thanks, buddy. I just bought one, remember?

Timmy:
I do not. Do you remember this guy buying anything?

Moose:
I don't remember nothin', boss.

Timmy:
Watch your double negatives, Moose.

Moose:
Sorry, boss.

Chris:
Okay, kids. This has been fun, but I have to go. Come on, kids. I-- [gets splashed] Ahh! Hey! Look, you can't just bully people like this, you little hooligan.

Timmy:
What did you call us? Dolores!

[the Lemonade Stand Gang starts to beat up Chris]

Chris:
Look, why can't you just leave me alone?

Elise:
[comes inside the classroom] May I have the floor for a moment? I'm a local resident who has been terrorized by a group of juvenile delinquents. [plays a video of the Lemonade Stand Gang] Here's footage of The Lemonade Stand Gang throwing lemonade on an elderly lady. And here's them kicking a citizen unmercifully in the shins.

Timmy's Mom:
Is that my Timmy?

Elise:
And if you look outside right now, you can see them destroying a car.

[everyone can see The Lemonade Stand Gang destroying a car from the window outside]

Timmy's Mom:
Timmy! Stop that at once!

Timmy:
Mom? Uh, I can explain.

Timmy's Mom:
Is this what you've been doing? Vandalism? Extortion? I wondered how your lemonade stand was making a thousand dollars a week.

Timmy:
Mom?

Timmy's Mom:
Well, no more! All that money is going to charity.

Timmy:
Nooo!

Lady:
It was all Timmy's idea.

Man:
I regret nothing!

[all The Lemonade Stand Gang parents pick up their kids and their cars drive away]