Dan Vs., Season 1

Elise:
[at home] Hello?

Dan:
It's Dan. I've got some good news and some bad news.

Elise:
Is Chris with you?

Dan:
Chris isn't really with us anymore. He's dead.

Elise:
WHAT?

Dan:
Well, not dead, but poisoned.

Elise:
POISONED?!

Dan:
But the hospital thinks he has a broken arm.

Elise:
You're not making any sense!

Dan:
Yes, I really should have planned out what I'd say before I called you.

Elise:
Is Chris okay?

Dan:
No, he's dead. I mean, no, he's not.

Elise:
Where are you?

Dan:
I'm at a pay phone.

Elise:
And where is Chris?

Dan:
I don't know. They took him. Down the hall somewhere, I think.

Elise:
[pops the stress toy and angrily panics quietly] Are you at the hospital?

Dan:
Of course! What have I been saying this whole time?

Elise:
[angrily] I'll be there in 5 minutes, and I am not happy!

Dan:
Like I am? [cut to the hospital room where him and Elise are with Chris] Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

Elise:
Say beep 1 more time.

Dan:
Beep?

Elise:
[punches Dan] Be serious! He still hasn't woken up!

Dan:
Oh, he's fine. They said they got most of the poison out. He's in a better place now.

Elise:
Better place? He's in a hospital. This is pretty much the worst place you can be!

Dan:
I would think shark tank.

Elise:
Dan!

Dan:
Well, whose fault is this anyway?

Elise:
Yours!

Dan:
No way. Listen, if you walk into somebody's house and you see a meat loaf on the counter, do you just dig right in? He didn't even ask.

Elise:
You know Chris is on the see-food diet.

Dan:
That's no excuse for monkey wrenching my plans. Also, meatloaf isn't seafood. [pause] Oh, seafood. I get it. It's a good thing you still have a sense of humor even though Chris is dead. Dying. Poisoned. Whatever. He's fine.

Elise:
I am going to get some tea. DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING! [leaves]

Dan:
Finally. Do you want to tag along on my revenge? Yes, I do. Do you want to pay for everything with your credit cards? I don't know. Oh, come on. We'll have a blast. Well, all right. Can I get a milk shake later? Of course you can, buddy. [he steals a patient's clothes and puts it on Chris] This is the 3rd most uncomfortable thing I've had to do all week. [cut to him with Chris in a wheelchair] Doctor.

Doctor:
Doctor.