Dan Vs., Season 1

[Dan arrives at Burgerphile with a poisoned Chris]

Hortence:
Welcome to Burgerphile, home of the world-famous burger bowl.

Dan:
World-famous? Whatever you say, sweetness. Get me a plain burger, small cola, and a milk shake for my friend here. That's a plain burger, no cheese. I'm lactose-intolerant. You put cheese on my burger, I will die, You put cheese on my burger, I will die, but not before I burn this place to the ground!

Hortence:
That'll be $2.98, sir.

Dan:
Keep the change, pumpkin. You're okay, buddy. [at the table] Ketchup, the one true condiment. Here's your milk shake, slugger. "Thanks, Dan. You're my best friend." I know. "l love you." Um I feel somewhat warmly towards you, but to be honest, this conversation's making me uncomfortable. [his phone rings] Thank goodness. It's Elise. I'll get it. Yello.

Elise:
Where have you taken Chris? Somebody stole him from the hospital.

Dan:
And you just assume it was me.

Elise:
I saw the security tapes! You also took our car!

Dan:
Possession is nine-tenths of the law, I'll have you know. Technically Chris is mine now.

Elise:
Bring him back to the hospital this instant! He needs medical care!

Dan:
Bring him back? Why? We're having a great time. Sure, he's a little pale and his breathing's shallow, but he's fine. Plus he's going to help me blow up-- I mean, run some errands. I can drop him off when we're done.

Elise:
Bring him back now, Dan!

Dan:
What's that? You're breaking up! Crackle! Crackle! Buzz!

Elise:
You're not even making the noises. You're just saying crackle and buzz.

Dan:
Crackle! Buzz! [hangs up the phone] Revenge is hard enough without these stupid distractions. [when Dan's phone rings again, he throws it off, and drinks Chris' milkshake] Oh, no. [shocked] Chris, why did you let me drink your milk shake? [cut to outside of Burgerphile] I've got to get to my medicine. Come on. [he feels pain in his stomach as Chris rolls off] Curse you, Burgerphile! You're going on the list. [cut to his apartment] Medicine. Need my medicine. Man. I need to vacuum. Of course. Stay here. I'm going to run to the drugstore.

Elise:
[hits the door on Dan as she arrives to pick him up from Dan's apartment] Oh, Chris. [angrily] Dan! You have 3 seconds to explain yourself!

Dan:
We got dynamite. Okay, just don't jostle me or anything. My guts are killing me. [Elise punches him] Ohh! My guts. [Elise takes Chris out while he is on the floor] Hello, floor. You and I are going to be spending some time together. Ah, yes. Great. More barking. There's the icing on my awfulness cake.