Dan Vs., Season 1

Imposter Dan:
[opens the door] May I help you?

Chris:
He's real!

Dan:
What are you doing in my apartment?

Imposter Dan:
Oh, well, this is my apartment. Everything that you used to have is mine. I'm Dan now. You're going to have to find yourself a NEW identity.

Elise:
Why would anyone want to be Dan?

Imposter Dan:
I'm so glad you asked that, Elise. And by the way, you don't look anything like the unflattering drawings Dan has of you in his journal.

Dan:
You've been reading my journal?

Elise:
What does he mean, "unflattering"?

Imposter Dan:
You ask, why Dan? Well, most people have a network of friends and family who know and love them, making it near impossible to steal their identities, but Dan here is off-putting and angry.

Dan:
[turns red, yelling] OFF-PUTTING?! ANGRY!?

Imposter Dan:
That's just the tip of the iceberg. Tell me, what do you have to show for your lifetime of apathy and petty vengeance?

Dan:
Well, I... I have a foosball table... so I got that going for me.

Imposter Dan:
You don't even like foosball.

Dan:
He's right. I'm an air hockey man.

Imposter Dan:
You have alienated everyone in your life except for Chris and Elise, and I have a feeling at least one of them is gettable.

Dan:
ATTACK! [he gets ready to fight with Imposter Dan but Elise stops him]

Elise:
Let's hear him out. What exactly do you want?

Imposter Dan:
Oh, I've already got it. A place to live, a television. A kitty who loves me, and friends all over the neighborhood, friends who know me as Dan, the neighbor who cares; Dan, the neighbor who lives in apartment 8. So, if you don't leave immediately, I'll be forced to shoot you in self-defense. Good day. [closes the door and locks it]

Chris:
That last part sounded a little like you.