Dan Vs., Season 2

[Dan and Chris are at Hortence's wedding]

Chris:
Oh yes, thank you. [eats the shrimp puffs]

Dan:
There's no time for that!

Chris:
There's always time for shrimp puffs.

Dan:
I need you to tell the Best Man there's a telephone call for him.

Chris:
Mine. Sir, there's a telephone call for you.

Jeremiah:
Hurry back, we're all waiting to hear your Best Man toast.

Chris:
[to a lady who walks up to him] Get your own!

[Dan captures a man as he covers him with a bag and puts him in the closet punching him]

Hortence:
There's my bridesman!

Dan:
Hortence, I need to talk to you. [using the microphone] Actually, I need to talk to all of you. I may not be the Best Man, but I'm the only man for this job.

Jeremiah:
Hello Dan, nice to see you! I heard you were going to be in our wedding!

Dan:
You sir are a fraud!

[everyone gasps]

Jeremiah:
What?!

Chris:
Dan! We're NOT making a scene, remember? We're leaving. As soon as I'm done with these canapes.

[Dan walks up to Hortence]

Hortence:
Dan, what are you doing?

Dan:
I'm sorry, Hortence, but you can't marry Jeremiah Burger. He's been lying to you.

Jeremiah:
I most certainly have not!

Dan:
He has, and I have proof. [shows Hortence and Jeremiah a picture] Ladies and gentlemen of the wedding, Jeremiah Burger has been married, not once, not twice, but 6 times! So, come on. You can cry on my shoulder in the car.

Hortence:
Did you think I didn't know that!

Dan:
Uh, what?

Hortence:
I've met all of his exes. We're friends. That's them right there! [pan to Jeremiah's exes]

Dan:
Oh.

Jeremiah:
This really is unacceptable behavior. Especially from a bridesmaid.

[Dan gets kicked out by 2 men from the wedding]

Dan:
Sheesh. Try to help someone out, and this is the thanks you get.

Hortence:
[comes over] I have never been so humiliated in all my life! You ruined my rehearsal dinner! I thought you were my friend.

Dan:
Hortence, I just need to tell you something before you go through with this. I know you feel the same way about me that I do about you. I I--

Hortence:
[angrily] I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAAAAIN!

Dan:
That's not how I feel about you!