Dan Vs., Season 2

[Dan walks to the store and gets items he needs as he gets ready to call Chris]

Chris:
Hello?

Dan:
Greetings, drone. Any special requests for Thursday? I'm at the store.

Chris:
Thursday, wh- oh Dan... please don't tell me you forgot.

Dan:
How could I forget? I love our little Thanksgiving tradition. I'm buying the ingredients to my secret recipe'd, world famous deviled eggs, so there you go. I have forgotten nothing. Thanksgiving is saved. Hurrah and 3 cheers for me!

Chris:
Dan...

Dan:
At least 1 chance-

Chris:
Dan!

Dan:
STOP YELLING AT ME, I'M AT THE STORE! [everyone glares at him] Now look, you've caused a scene. Everything's fine, folks. I've gotten him under control. Go back to consuming. People, huh? No manners these days.

Chris:
You know we're going to Elise's parents' for Thanksgiving, right?

Dan:
WHAT?!

Chris:
I can't believe you forgot. I mean I've told you, I don't know, umpteen billion times.

Dan:
No one has ever told anyone the same thing that many times! Your lies unspool as they spill from your lips, you giant toolbox!

Chris:
Dan, calm down!

Dan:
CALM DOWN?! When stupid Elise and her dumb donkey parents are continuing their quest to reprogram you?

Chris:
Don't be absurd.

Dan:
What about friendship? What about tradition? What about your bacon wrapped turducken? I may not care for the duck, but the bacon, tur- and -ken are mellifluously delectable.

Chris:
I'll make it next year, but Dan-

Dan:
Next year? NEXT YEAR?! [kicks the cart] I'll show you next year. You'd better tell your old lady's parents to make sure they have good insurance!

Chris:
Insurance?

Dan:
BECAUSE I'M GONNA BURN THEIR HOUSE TO THE GROUND!!! [gets kicked out of the store]

Chris:
Dan? Hey, Dan!

Dan:
FAMILY THANKSGIVIIIIIIIIIING!!!

Dan:
This sucks! We've been in the car for DAYS!

Elise:
Would've been a lot quicker if SOMEONE wasn't on the no-fly list.

Dan:
Well... why don't your stupid parents just move closer?

Elise:
They were going to, and then you tried to frame my dad and almost got him killed by the mafia.

Chris:
And then a chainsaw slasher.

Dan:
Ah, yeah. Good times...

Chris:
This is so humiliating. They could replace me with a Styrofoam snowman and no one would notice. Hey, don't tell Elise what I'm doing, okay? I don't want her to think less of me.

Dan:
Don't worry. There's no way she could possibly think less of you. But you might want to put your snowman head back on.

Chris:
Did she see me?

Dan:
I don't think so.

Chris:
Perfect! Maybe I can follow her and find out what she's getting me for Christmas.

Dan:
Chris, that is not in the Christmas spirit! Now come and help me annihilate Santa!

Chris:
He's not so bad, you know. He just takes Christmas very seriously.

Mall Santa:
I hate Christmas.

Chris:
I don't see how you can hate Christmas, you're Santa!

Mall Santa:
It's a long story... When I was a kid, Santa never got me the Sergent Sascatchawand action figure I wanted.

Chris:
That wasn't a long story. And it seems like you've made an odd career choice.

Mall Santa:
This isn't my career. It's just something I do until my interpretive dance starts getting the recognition it deserves.

Chris:
Oh.

Mall Santa:
Shouldn't you be in your fishbowl?

Chris:
Probably.

Chris:
Let me help you with that.

Jason:
Whew. Thanks.

Chris:
No problem. Moving in?:

Jennifer:
That's right, yeah- just got here from Iowa. I'm Jennifer, this is Jason.

Chris:
Chris.

Jason:
Nice to meet you.

Dan:
[opens the door as he whispers] Chris! Chris! Don't talk to them! They're evil! Eeeevillll!

Chris:
Have you met Dan?

Jason:
Not officially, no. Hi, there! I'm-

[Dan closes the door in front of him]

Chris:
Well, good luck living next to Dan. And I really mean that.

[Dan opens the door and drags Chris inside his apartment]

[Dan opens the door and sees Jason, he tries to close the door but Jason puts his shoe blocking the door]

Jason:
Hey there, Dan.

Dan:
You leave me alone! I spent all day rolling around in noxious chemicals, so I'd taste terrible!

Jason:
Uh. Okay. I came over here because my wife saw a prowler outside the window today.

Dan:
So? What makes you think I had anything to do with that? You can't come over here and accuse me, I have lawyers!

Jason:
I was actually letting you know that we're having security bars installed on our windows.

Dan:
Noted. Goodbye!

Jason:
They're running a 2-for-1 special at the security store, so we'll be having them installed on our windows, too! [Dan slams the door and hears him from outside] No thanks necessary!

Dan:
Chris! Get over here-

Chris:
[answering machine] I'm not in right now, so leave a message.

Dan:
Where are you?! We were supposed to be watching a marathon of Pay Cable Prison Drama! Mr. Mumbles and I can't wait anymore, especially since my TV has been hijacked by this dancing nonsense! 'Do you know what a cellie would do if you punked him like this? A shanking, sir! Now you dance your way over- [machine beeps] You're beeping me? Nobody beeps me! You stay here, Mr. Mumbles. I'm going to go hit Chris where he lives, HIS HOUSE. [sees Crunch dancing outside of the apartment] What are you doing here, you moron?

Crunch:
One man flash mob, bra.

Dan:
[walks up to him] A mob implies a group. You are but along dumdum. [Crunch goes up on Dan's car] Hey! Get off my car! You'd better run!

Crunch:
[runs off] Alright!

Dan:
What is going on with all this dancing malarky? [drives to Chris and Elise's house and sees them dancing from their window] Chris too? [opens the door] What are you doing?

Chris:
Dancing! [Dan breaks the vase] Dan!

Elise:
We're practicing for Swing til the Spring, an endurance spring dance contest. You are not invited. Get out of our house.

[Dan grabs the statue and breaks it]

Chris:
Hey!

Chris:
What exactly do you mean by the "epicenter of fight dancing"?

Elise:
[while explaining the backstory of Pembroke] Many years ago, a culture of dance, never before seen in this hemisphere, descended on a small town call Pembroke. This precipitous happening brought a lot of dance industry jobs to town. It became an immediate international hub for the evolution of dance. In fact, they called it 'the home of the dance'. They even had a sign made. But just as suddenly as the movement came, it was gone. And with it, went all of the jobs, the hope, and yes, even the soul of that poor little town, leaving behind only a scattered and direction-less few who, eventually... went feral. The dance devolved into what is now known around the hushed valleys of the region as 'fight dancing'. After decades of a savage, scavenger existence and unrepentant inbreeding, the townsfolk had all collectively gone quite mad.

Chris:
And you sure you send Dan there?

Elise:
I'm sure he'll fit right in.

Chris:
You have to calm down.

Dan:
[angrily] I'LL EAT YOUR CHILDREN!

Chris:
Dan, that's disgusting! And impractical!

Dan:
Oh, you have a better idea?

Chris:
How about NOT eating their children!

Dan:
You have no vision. That vexes me! But not as much as being out 50 cents. OH! We're gonna rob the bank.

Chris:
That... is one of the worst ideas you've ever had, and you've had some doozies!

Dan:
Name one! And don't say the jetpack, because that's gonna be awesome. [goes inside the car]

Chris:
You are aware that they intentionally make banks very difficult places to steal from?

Dan:
Which is why we'll discuss it over lunch, kick some ideas around, and then we'll come back and ROB the place!

Chris:
Dan, listen to me: I'm not going to rob a bank with you!

Dan:
Don't be so stubborn! Hey, what kind of mask do you wanna wear? And bear in mind if you don't choose, I'll choose one for you.

Chris:
I made a promise to myself, and to Elise, that I wouldn't let you--

Dan:
Bring a sense of purpose to your meaningless life? Let's go.

[Dan is drilling]

Elise:
Dan, we need to go!

Dan:
I'm not leaving!

Elise:
His choice, let's move.

Chris:
We can't leave Dan.

Elise:
You're right, he knows too much.

Chris:
And he's our friend.

Elise:
Sure. Sure, that too.

Chris:
I'll grab him.

Dan:
[as he and Chris enter his apartment] Stay in front of me. If this thing eats one of us, I want it to be you. Well?

Chris:
I'm sure it was a very scary dream, Dan.

Dan:
It wasn't a dream! It was right here!

Chris:
Well, I'd check the closet, but I don't think there's room for a monster, what with all the garbage and everything.

Dan:
It's not garbage until I throw it out!

Chris:
I'm going home. [walks away]

Dan:
Coward! Wait! Can we stay with you?

Chris:
For how long? Until your imaginary monster leaves?

Dan:
What are we suppose to do? Sleep in the car?

Chris:
There's no monster under your bed, Dan. [leaves]

Dan:
Is so!

Dan:
Monsters. They live under your bed, but they never kick in for the rent.

Chris:
Are you ready to listen to me now? That creature was identical to the one in the book.

Dan:
I'll admit, there was some passing resemblance.

Chris:
If you don't get rid of that thing, it's going to devour you.

Dan:
I just don't understand why he started terrorizing me. What did I ever do to Agsagoth?

Chris:
[stops the car and shows Dan a page of the book] Does this look familiar?

Dan:
No. Should it? [he and Chris both get out of the car]

Chris:
This is the scratch you put in our car last week.

Dan:
Allegedly.

Chris:
Not allegedly, Dan. Actually. The scratch is identical to the Ancient Sumerian symbol. It must have caught the attention of Agsagoth the Devourer.

Dan:
So? Fix it.

Chris:
Dan! If you have read the book, you'd know it needs to be you that fixes the scratch, since you put it there.

Dan:
Allegedly!

Chris:
You called this creature here, and now it's marked you. Have you forgotten the next steps?

Dan:
Physical agony, the mark changes, the beast eats me, blah, blah, blah.

Chris:
So, do you want to get rid of the monster or not?

Dan:
Of course I do! But I don't see how a scratch on YOUR car- [Dan's stomach growls] Ohh! My guts!

Chris:
It's the second step! Let me see your forehead!

Dan:
Let go, lummax.

Chris:
Uh, Dan. Look.

Dan:
How am I suppose to look at my own forehead, you jerk! [Chris lifts him and puts him in the car]

Chris:
Okay, now look.

Dan:
[sees his scratch in the mirror] Oh, come on!

Dan:
Why are you wasting time at a stupid golf place? Mr. Mumbles' birthday party is 48 hours away and we don't even have a theme!

Chris:
I'm not wasting time, I'm playing golf. It's my new hobby!

Dan:
For the last time, your hobby is being my sidekick!

Mr. Bainbridge:
[comes by] Hey C-man - is this vagrant bothering you?

Chris:
Uh, no sir. Dan, this is my boss, Mr. Bainbridge. Mr. Bainbridge, this is my impertinent friend, Dan.

Mr. Bainbridge:
Son, that is not why it's called a driving range. [chuckles]

Dan:
Chris, I am going to count to 3. 1, [A golf ball smashes his car's windshield] WHO DID THAT?! I want a name! [he gets hit by a golf ball] GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLF!!!

Elise:
OK, Dan. I never thought I'd say this, but you were right. We need to break Chris of his golf habit. [Dan mumbles] What do you mean, "eh?"

Dan:
I mean a few hours ago I would have agreed with you. But now, I see golf for what it really is. Massages, jaccuzzis, and my new friend, Prescott Richman IV.

Elise:
You really think some rich slob can replace Chris?

Dan:
Can and has. [walks away]

Elise:
So Dan, this is our new gym. What do you think?

Dan:
I think there's a whole room full of people on bicycles going nowhere!

Chris:
They're called stationary bikes.

Elise:
It's to get your heart rate up.

Dan:
That sounds dangerously irresponsible! I'm leaving. [he tries to leave but Chris grabs him] Get your sticky paws off me!

Chris:
Give the gym a chance. You said just yesterday you've been feeling fat.

Dan:
That was said in confidence!

Dan:
GYYY-OHHHH!! [ends up getting a pain so he wheezes instead] Gyyyyyyyyym...

[Dan is hanging out with Hortence and her friends]

Hortence:
This is the best bridal shower ever, you guys.

Red Girl:
You are going to make such a beautiful bride.

Blonde Girl:
I love the china pattern you picked out. Don't you Dan?

Dan:
Huh? Oh, sure. China pattern. Hortence, have you really thought about what you're doing?

Hortence:
Uh, like, of course.

Dan:
I mean, there's such a big age difference between you two. Have you read the statistics about these things working out?

Blonde Girl:
Dan!

Dan:
Or the statistical probability that someone who eats burgers for every meal is going to make it past 50?

Hortence:
Jeremiah's as healthy as a horse.

Dan:
And why is he marrying someone so much younger, anyway? I think he's hiding something. Maybe you should call off the wedding until you figure out what it is. Just sayin'.

Red Girl:
Oh, he's doing a roast! [laughs] How funny!

Hortence:
Oh! Okay. For a second there, I thought you were being really mean for no reason.

Dan:
I was just pointing out-

Blonde Girl:
You know what we should do? Give Dan a makeover!

Dan:
What? No.

Hortence:
Yes!

Red Girl:
Too much fun!

Dan:
[voiceover] I DON'T WANT A MAKEOVER! [outside, Chris picks him up and his face is covered with makeup by Hortence and the girls] You laugh, I attack.

Chris:
So, how was the bridal shower? [Dan punches him] Stop it! You're getting your makeup on me!

Dan:
It's not my makeup! This was done against my will!

Chris:
It's a good look for you.

Dan:
Not 1 more word. They rouged me, Chris. I have been rouged! This is war.

Chris:
And hey, you've already got your war paint. [Dan punches him]

[Dan and Chris are at Hortence's wedding]

Chris:
Oh yes, thank you. [eats the shrimp puffs]

Dan:
There's no time for that!

Chris:
There's always time for shrimp puffs.

Dan:
I need you to tell the Best Man there's a telephone call for him.

Chris:
Mine. Sir, there's a telephone call for you.

Jeremiah:
Hurry back, we're all waiting to hear your Best Man toast.

Chris:
[to a lady who walks up to him] Get your own!

[Dan captures a man as he covers him with a bag and puts him in the closet punching him]

Hortence:
There's my bridesman!

Dan:
Hortence, I need to talk to you. [using the microphone] Actually, I need to talk to all of you. I may not be the Best Man, but I'm the only man for this job.

Jeremiah:
Hello Dan, nice to see you! I heard you were going to be in our wedding!

Dan:
You sir are a fraud!

[everyone gasps]

Jeremiah:
What?!

Chris:
Dan! We're NOT making a scene, remember? We're leaving. As soon as I'm done with these canapes.

[Dan walks up to Hortence]

Hortence:
Dan, what are you doing?

Dan:
I'm sorry, Hortence, but you can't marry Jeremiah Burger. He's been lying to you.

Jeremiah:
I most certainly have not!

Dan:
He has, and I have proof. [shows Hortence and Jeremiah a picture] Ladies and gentlemen of the wedding, Jeremiah Burger has been married, not once, not twice, but 6 times! So, come on. You can cry on my shoulder in the car.

Hortence:
Did you think I didn't know that!

Dan:
Uh, what?

Hortence:
I've met all of his exes. We're friends. That's them right there! [pan to Jeremiah's exes]

Dan:
Oh.

Jeremiah:
This really is unacceptable behavior. Especially from a bridesmaid.

[Dan gets kicked out by 2 men from the wedding]

Dan:
Sheesh. Try to help someone out, and this is the thanks you get.

Hortence:
[comes over] I have never been so humiliated in all my life! You ruined my rehearsal dinner! I thought you were my friend.

Dan:
Hortence, I just need to tell you something before you go through with this. I know you feel the same way about me that I do about you. I I--

Hortence:
[angrily] I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAAAAIN!

Dan:
That's not how I feel about you!

[Dan gets ready to meet with Miss O'Houlihan]

Dan:
What are you selling?

Miss O'Houlihan:
I'm not a saleswoman, I'm your neighbor and just now I came home to find my cat Poopsie stalling. [whines and freaks out]

Dan:
I'm very sorry to hear that. Mrs.

Miss O'Houlihan:
Miss O'Houlihan. Honey O'Houlihan. Nice to meet you.

Dan:
I'm Dan. In speaking of me, why are you telling me this?

Miss O'Houlihan:
I've seen you around the neighborhood with your cat. Did you understand each other like no human and feline I've ever seen. [feels Mr. Mumbles] I'm begging for your help. I've got nowhere else to turn. See?

Chris:
Why can't we just call Honey and warn her instead?

Dan:
Because I forgot to get her number.

Dan:
A dinosaur, [finds out that his car was destroyed] JUST RUINED MY CAR! YOU BETTER HAVE GOOD INSURANCE! Wait. Where are you going? We have to exchange information!

Chris:
[finds Dan outside] Dan! Are you alright?

Dan:
Absolutely not. I have been wronged Chris. Horribly, horribly, wrong!

Chris:
Yeah, sorry about that. Ben's just-

Dan:
By a dinosaur.

Chris:
Learning to- What?

Dan:
I saw it with my own eyes. And I trust my eyes, Chris. A mid-sized tyrannosaurid theropod, probably female. She ruined my car and she's going to pay. I haven't figured out how exactly because I doubt a T-Rex carries a wallet. Not with those- stupid little arms.

Chris:
You don't seriously expect me to believe you saw a dinosaur, do you?

Dan:
Since when do I care what to believe? I just need a ride.

Chris:
I'm in the middle of giving Ben a driving lesson.

Dan:
Which is clearly a huge success. Besides, you hate Ben. You always talk about how annoying he is behind his back.

Chris:
I do not. I don't.

Ben:
Whatever, fatso.

Chris:
I am giving Ben a lesson because I love my brother-in law and because Elise has a work thing.

Dan:
This is perfect! Ben needs to drive around town, I need to get around town. Question is: are you willing to drive fast, break the law as necessary and avoid dinosaur attacks?

Ben:
I mean, I've avoided them up to now.

Chris:
Dan, Ben can't have any distractions while he's driving. That includes chasing your hallucinations.

Dan:
Get in, Ben. There's no room in this car for doubting Thomases.

[Ben gets inside Chris' car]

Chris:
I don't know what you think you saw, but it's scientifically impossible for dinosaurs to exist.

Governor:
Well, hello. My fellow Californians. I'll get right to it. Due to budget cuts, the school year is being downsized to 3 months. Also, textbooks will be replaced by the Internet. So, uh, that's happening. [laughs] Yes sir.

Man:
Mr. Governor? Is this a good idea? Further cuts in education?

Governor:
Are you saying you WANT higher taxes?

Man:
I'm just asking if the school system will be able to--

Governor:
I don't know about that, son. I just let the teachers teach. Because unlike you, I believe in America.

Governor:
Uh, maybe I can help you with that. [laughs]

Dan:
Finally.

Chris:
You're Eminence.

Dan:
What are you doing?

Chris:
I don't know what the correct greeting is for a governor. Do you curtsy?

Governor:
So, uh, why are you assaulting my work release volunteer?

Dan:
That is not important. I am a constituent and I have some grievances. Which you, as an elected official, are legally required to listen to and resolve.

Chris:
I don't think he's legally-

Governor:
Of course, son. I'd, well, I'd love to hear your complaints.

Dan:
Thank you. First of all-

Governor:
Just e-mail them to my office and I promise they'll be read.

Dan:
[yelling] BY WHOM, THIS GUY?!

Agent Bro-face:
Like I can read.

Dan:
That's not good enough. I demand immediate and comprehensive attention.

Governor:
Oh I can do that.

[Dan and Chris get kicked out of the Action Center for Action by the Governor]

Dan:
Well, I'm sure not voting for that guy again.

Elise:
They can mess with Dan all they want. But call MY house? I don't think so.

Dan:
67 voicemail messages? Since when do they leave voicemails?

Chris:
I kind of miss telemarketing. Good hours, steady work until they outsourced all the call center positions.

Dan:
Then let's get on a plane to India and kick some butts!

Elise:
It's probably a little premature to fly halfway around the world.

Dan:
Oh, you're so smart? What are you doing? And what is taking so long with the cocoa?!

Chris:
Good cocoa takes time.

Elise:
I'm hacking the companies the telemarketers were advertising to find out who does their cold calling.

Dan:
That could take forever!

Elise:
Let the record show I was done before Chris.

Chris:
Do you want good cocoa, or rushed cocoa?

Elise:
Looks like it's the company you used to work for, after all.

Dan:
I knew it! I'm flying to Mumbai.

Elise:
You'll be about 87 hundred miles off, then.

Dan:
How do you mean?

Elise:
They outsourced to Reseda.

Chris:
What? That's just 10 miles away. I would have commuted there.

Dan:
Come on, guys. It's up to us to stop this evil menace from destroying countless lives!

Elise:
As long as we're back by brunch. [leaves]

Dan:
Are you coming?

Chris:
[angrily] You do NOT ask me to make cocoa in the middle of the night and then leave before it's ready!

Dan:
But -

Chris:
SIT DOWN!

[next, Dan, Chris, and Elise are drinking hot chocolate together]

Dan:
[satisfied] Okay, that's really good.

[Dan talks to the police officer at the police station]

Police Officer:
Run this by me 1 more time.

Dan:
Fine! There's this guy, okay? He tried to steal my identity.

Police Officer:
While you were in jail?

Dan:
No. HE went to jail, not me! But it was for something I did. Because he was me.

Police Officer:
So he's you?

Dan:
No! But kind of. And now he's a telemarketer who won't stop calling.

Police Officer:
And then he attacked you?

Dan:
Yes! He knocked me unconscious, so he could dress up as my cat, and redecorate my apartment!

Police Officer:
Because?

Dan:
He's trying to make it seem like I'm losing my marbles! Which I'm not!

Police Officer:
I assure you sir, we will give this matter all the attention it deserves.

Telemarketer:
[voiceover] Which means none, of course.

Dan:
Did you hear that?

Police Officer:
Uh, hear what?

Telemarketer:
[voiceover] He can't hear the voices in your head silly. Come on.

Dan:
[yelling] You leave me alone!

Police Officer:
With pleasure. That door's that way.

Dan:
[yelling] I'm not talking to you!

Telemarketer:
[voiceover] Hey now, don't be a jerk.

Dan:
[yelling] You're a jerk!

Police Officer:
Do not call me names, sir. I carry a gun.

Dan:
I said, [yelling] I'm not talking to you! I'm talking to the telemarketer!

Police Officer:
Oh, so he's here now?

Dan:
No! Yes! I mean- No.

Telemarketer:
[voiceover] That was very smooth.

Dan:
[yelling] SHUT UP! [the police officer kicks him out of the police station]

Telemarketer:
[voiceover] Why are you so upset? We're having fun together. And this is only the beginning!

Dan:
[yelling] He's in my brains! [runs off to Chris and Elise's house much to his horror] Sign me up for the laughing academy, Chris! Book me a room at the padded hotel!

Chris:
Hey Dan. What's new?

Dan:
He's done it! I'm completely round the bend! Yeah? Well no one asked you! Stupid voice in my head!

Elise:
You're hearing the telemarketer in your head?

Dan:
Uh-huh. Except when I ran under some power lines. Then it changed to smooth jazz for some reason.

Elise:
Dan, do you trust me?

Dan:
OF COURSE NOT! [Elise covers his mouth with a towel as he faints]

Director:
[appears outside] What are you still doing here?

Dan:
[throw pillows on the director's face] We've decided to beat you to death with throw pillows.

Director:
Wait, to death? Stop! You don't have to do this.

Dan:
Yes I do. Reality TV is the worst entertainment medium since witch-burning. If you want to entertain people, why don't you try making a real show? With fictional characters who live in impossibly convenient worlds?

Director:
Hey, we'd all love to write a real show. But it's hard. I don't have any ideas.

Dan:
Really? I have drawers full of stuff that could be on TV. Oh well. [pillow fights with the director]

Director:
Wait, wait, wait wait! I have a thought. Look, all I want to do is produce television. If you've got better ideas, I will cancel every reality show on my roster. Come to my estate for lunch tomorrow. We'll talk.

[Dan is making a recipe]

Kelly:
I love a guy who can cook! What are you making?

Dan:
If you must know, a bomb.

Kelly:
Wow! My grandma used to make those! Chocolate-cherry or peach-praline?

Dan:
Nitroglycerin.

Kelly:
I don't think I've ever tried that one.

Dan:
And you never will. Because I'm about to incinerate every inch of this house. THEN HOW WILL YOU DO YOUR STUPID SHOW, BUDDY? [laughs eviliy]

Kelly:
Oh, I get it. You're just mad because you found out the grand prize is just a trip to Adult Astronaut Sleepaway Camp.

Dan:
What? Adult Astronaut Sleepaway Camp?

Kelly:
Yeah, pretty lame, huh?

Dan:
[finds a quarter in the fountain] Yes! A quarter! Things are finally looking up. Ugggh. [sees a naked baby] What is wrong with parents today?

Jean:
There you are, Kale. Are you enjoying your frolic?

Dan:
I demand answers. Why isn't this savage wearing pants like the rest of us?

Flynn:
We subscribe to Dr. Davis-Siegel's child-led method of parenting.

Jean:
I'm Jean Goodhill. This is my soul mate, Flynn Goodhill.

Flynn:
Namaste.

Dan:
Back off, weirdos! And while you're at it, clothe your youngin'!

Jean:
Sir, I think what you need is a hug. Kale! Get in there, buddy!

Dan:
Wait! No! [splashes in the fountain as Kale is about to give him a hug]

Dan:
[to Dennis] Never let take your shiv, kid, that's how you get punked.

Dan:
[makes an annoucement on the microphone] Attention sample gobblers, and you! The guy with his face in the 29 cent pizza! This is a public service announcement. Exposure to Gigundo-Mart may cause dizziness, headache, nausea, and an unnatural attraction to bison or elk- [he ends up getting choked by the greeter]

Gigundo-Mart Greeter:
[has Dan in a neck-lock] I learned this move on the [cough], on the beaches of Normandy.

Dan:
Shooting out or shooting in? [the old man kicks him out and he sees the sign of Gigundo-Mart] You shut up!

[Dan heads to Ninja Dave's Cookies]

Dan:
Out of the way! I need a chewey chipster stat! Hey, where is everybody? [finds Wolf-Man sitting down]

Wolf-Man:
At Gigundo-Mart, they sell a cookie the size of a manhole cover or 50 cents.

Dan:
What?!!

Wolf-Man:
Yeah, Ninja Dave is in back crying. He gonna have to close too.

Dan:
GIGUNDO-MAR- Oh wait! I already did that. It was one thing when they took away my explosives. But if they want my cookies, they'll have to pry them from my cold dead fingers. I can't believe you don't have any explosives left.

Wolf-Man:
Well.

Dan:
Well what?! You holding out on me?

Wolf-Man:
There is my private reserve. But I was saving it for the in-laws.

Dan:
Fine. I guess you're prepared to live in a world without chocolate chip ninja-doodles. [walks away]

Chris:
[comes in] Behold the deadly elegance of the death ray.

Dan:
[takes the death ray away from Chris] You can leave now, Chris. I'd like some time alone with my new toy.

Chris:
YOUR new toy? Dan, I was the one who called in and answered the trivia question.

Dan:
You wouldn't have even known about the contest if I didn't tell you about it. PLUS I was the one who introduced you to Space Monkeys in the 1st place!

Chris:
I won the contest fair and square. The Death ray is mine.

Dan:
Is this really how you want to treat your best friend? After all I've done for you? [throws the pizza box to Chris as he leaves]

Chris:
Ow! [he catches his death ray as it drops]

Dan:
Be careful! You could have broken my precious death ray!

Chris:
Don't come any closer. I'll drop it. I swear.

Dan:
You wouldn't!

Chris:
You sure you want to find out? Sorry, Dan. This is my death ray. And you can't have it! [in a normal voice] Feel free to visit it though. [leaves Dan's apartment with his death ray]

Dan:
DAAAGH! [breaks the pizza box over his knee and storms outside] CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!!!

[Chris and Elise go into their room and see Dan sawing through the wall as he tries to get the death ray out of the wall]

Dan:
Hey folks! Almost done here, I'll be our of your hair in no time.

Elise:
What are you doing?!

Dan:
Reclaiming what is rightfully mine.

Chris:
[angrily] What is wrong with you?! First you stink up my house, and now you cut it in half?

Elise:
All because you're too selfish to let your best friend keep the measly little toy he won?

Dan:
I'll have you know that measly little toy saved the entire human race from being enslaved by SPACE YETIS!

Chris:
Technically, it was the monkeys that were first enslaved.

Elise:
I know, Chris. You explained it to me on our wedding night.

Dan:
As much as I'm enjoying this chit-chat, I do have work to do. [as he continues sawing through the wall to get the death ray out, Elise angrily kicks him out of their house] This isn't over! [Elise also throws a skunk at him too]

[Dan walks inside Wild Wesley's Family Saloon and Ice Cream Parlor]

Lady:
Welcome to Wild Wesley's Family Saloon and Ice Cream Parlor. Y'all want a table or a booth?

Chris:
This place looks fun.

Dan:
Fun? A saloon is supposed to be dangerous. A place where men risk death just to order a drink.

Chris:
Ooh! Root beer floats! [Dan drags him out]

Chris:
[after Dan defeated the manager] Congratulations, Dan. For a second there, I thought you were done for. But then, bam, what a twist!