Dan Vs., Season 2

[Dan talks to the police officer at the police station]

Police Officer:
Run this by me 1 more time.

Dan:
Fine! There's this guy, okay? He tried to steal my identity.

Police Officer:
While you were in jail?

Dan:
No. HE went to jail, not me! But it was for something I did. Because he was me.

Police Officer:
So he's you?

Dan:
No! But kind of. And now he's a telemarketer who won't stop calling.

Police Officer:
And then he attacked you?

Dan:
Yes! He knocked me unconscious, so he could dress up as my cat, and redecorate my apartment!

Police Officer:
Because?

Dan:
He's trying to make it seem like I'm losing my marbles! Which I'm not!

Police Officer:
I assure you sir, we will give this matter all the attention it deserves.

Telemarketer:
[voiceover] Which means none, of course.

Dan:
Did you hear that?

Police Officer:
Uh, hear what?

Telemarketer:
[voiceover] He can't hear the voices in your head silly. Come on.

Dan:
[yelling] You leave me alone!

Police Officer:
With pleasure. That door's that way.

Dan:
[yelling] I'm not talking to you!

Telemarketer:
[voiceover] Hey now, don't be a jerk.

Dan:
[yelling] You're a jerk!

Police Officer:
Do not call me names, sir. I carry a gun.

Dan:
I said, [yelling] I'm not talking to you! I'm talking to the telemarketer!

Police Officer:
Oh, so he's here now?

Dan:
No! Yes! I mean- No.

Telemarketer:
[voiceover] That was very smooth.

Dan:
[yelling] SHUT UP! [the police officer kicks him out of the police station]

Telemarketer:
[voiceover] Why are you so upset? We're having fun together. And this is only the beginning!

Dan:
[yelling] He's in my brains! [runs off to Chris and Elise's house much to his horror] Sign me up for the laughing academy, Chris! Book me a room at the padded hotel!

Chris:
Hey Dan. What's new?

Dan:
He's done it! I'm completely round the bend! Yeah? Well no one asked you! Stupid voice in my head!

Elise:
You're hearing the telemarketer in your head?

Dan:
Uh-huh. Except when I ran under some power lines. Then it changed to smooth jazz for some reason.

Elise:
Dan, do you trust me?

Dan:
OF COURSE NOT! [Elise covers his mouth with a towel as he faints]