Family Guy, Season 10

Meg:
[to Peter] You have no education, you have no interests, you just do whatever reckless thing you want to do, whenever you want to do it, without regard for anyone else! Oh, oh, oh, and when you're not terrorizing the community with your impulsive escapades, you're being a total fucking jerk to your family! You shove your daughter's face in your ass, and you fart on it!

[Peter giggles]

Meg:
God, if someone in the outside world could see the way you treat me, you would be in jail!

[Peter laughs again and Meg fake laughs in return]

Meg:
Oh, this is amusing to you? Well, see if you find this funny!

Peter:
I like where this is going.

Meg:
You're a fat, lazy, abusive, blue-collar, Irish-Catholic dad who drinks WAY too much, and barely makes enough to support his family! You've lived half your life, and you have nothing to show for it! Your only arguable accomplishments are your kids, and look at us! We're a disaster!

Stewie:
Hey, watch it!

Meg:
You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way! Take a good look at yourself Peter Griffin! You're a waste of a man!

Peter:
Wait a second, these are criticisms! Hey Lois, tell her to knock it off!

Lois:
Oh, and where the hell were you when she was laying into me?

Peter:
I was thinking about getting a fancy cane, maybe getting more attention from strangers.

Meg:
Have either of you guys been listening to me?! Do you both just have your heads up your asses?!

Chris:
Dad did. Look, he has shit on his ears!

Peter:
That's unrelated.

Lois:
Chris, I don't like that language.

Chris:
Well, I don't like your goddamn cooking!

Lois:
Well, I don't like having to literally empty the farts out of your pockets whenever I do your laundry!

Chris:
You're the one who's always cooking Brussels sprouts and broccoli! It's like an Irish bar fight down there!

[cut to a piece of broccoli and a Brussels sprout fighting]

Broccoli sprout:
You're from one town over, so I hate your guts! [the broccoli and Brussels sprout then fight Irish bar style]

[cut back to regular scene]

Chris:
WHY THE FUCK DON'T WE EVER GET ANY GOOD FOOD?!?!

Peter:
Yeah, Bonnie gives Joe Wonder bread!

Lois:
Well, then go live at Bonnie's house! Then I could finally sleep in and not have to answer your stupid questions at 5 a.m.!

Peter:
My curiosity peaks in the morning!

Chris:
You eat all my Dannon yogurts!

Peter:
I don't see your name on 'em!

Chris:
You don't even like 'em, but you know I do, and you don't want me to have 'em!

Lois:
You know, I've never confronted you on it, but I've often thought the same thing, Peter!

Meg:
Yeah, that's exactly what he does, 'cause he's a selfish, fat bastard!

Peter:
You shut up! All of youse!

[runs upstairs, and then turns to the family with tears in his eyes]

Peter:
I didn't ask to be in this family!

Lois:
[sighs] I'll go get him. [picks up Stewie] Peter, you come back here!

Chris:
[shouting at Meg] I FAKED ALL MY ORGASMS!

Brian:
Hey. What's goin' on? You know, that was, uh, that was pretty cool the way you finally stood up to everybody.

Meg:
[sighs] I don't know, Brian. I mean, I, I meant every word of it, but you saw what happened.

Brian:
What do you mean?

Meg:
They all turned on each other like a pack of wolves.

Brian:
Well, so what? That's not your problem.

Meg:
Do you think it's possible that that this family can't survive without some sort of lightning rod to absorb all the dysfunction?

Brian:
Well, that's a theory, I guess.

Meg:
I mean it's not ideal, but it's an important piece that maybe it's just my lot in life to provide. Maybe if I feel bad, they don't have to.

Brian:
Wow. You know, that's incredibly noble and mature, Meg. You know, I think you might be the strongest person in this house.

Meg:
You mean that, Brian?

Brian:
Absolutely.