Family Guy, Season 10

Peter:
I just bought a giant room full of gold coins; I'm gonna dive into it like Scrooge McDuck.

[cutaway to giant coin room. Peter enters the room on the diving board in swimwear. He jumps and dives, only to land bloodily injured]

Peter:
[groans] It's not a liquid! It's a great many pieces of solid matter that form a hard floor-like surface! Aaaaaaagh!

Lois:
Look, the bottom line here, Meg, is that you're taking your own problems out on everyone else.

Meg:
Oh, my problems? Oh, I see. Is this coming from my "role-model mother"? The shoplifter? The drug addict? The porn star? The whore who let Gene Simmons and Bill Clinton climb inside her?

Lois:
Oh, so what? A-all of those things are behind me now. I'm a better person now because of those experiences!

Meg:
Are you? Are you a better person?

Lois:
What's your point, Meg?

Meg:
My point is with all that irresponsible, reckless, idiotic behavior in your past, that somehow - heh - somehow you have the nerve, the arrogance to consistently and ruthlessly point out my shortcomings!

Lois:
Alright, well, fine! Okay, I'm not a perfect mother; who is?

Meg:
[laughs sarcastically] Not only are you not the perfect mother, you're the farthest thing from! From the moment you gave birth to me, I had to trust you. I had no choice. I needed you to protect me from the world to, to be my guide, to help me navigate the difficult, confusing, and vulnerable journey to become a person. You have done NONE of those things! You're my mother, and you took a child's trust and smashed it into tiny bits in a seventeen-year long mission to destroy something that you killed long time ago! And honestly, when I turn eighteen, I...I don't know if I ever want to see you again!

[Lois' lip begins to quiver, and then she begins to sob]

Stewie:
[looking at his phone] Oh, wow, everybody's already Tweeting "Stewie just said that".

Lois:
Ugh, you're right! You're right, I'm a terrible mother! I'm so sorry! I'm so, so sorry Meg! Can you ever forgive me? Oh God!

[As Lois continues to cry, Peter whispers something in Meg's ear.]

Meg:
And you never let Dad stir the paint anymore, whatever that means.

Peter:
I didn't know you knew that, Meg, but I'm glad you brought it up.

Meg:
[to Peter] You have no education, you have no interests, you just do whatever reckless thing you want to do, whenever you want to do it, without regard for anyone else! Oh, oh, oh, and when you're not terrorizing the community with your impulsive escapades, you're being a total fucking jerk to your family! You shove your daughter's face in your ass, and you fart on it!

[Peter giggles]

Meg:
God, if someone in the outside world could see the way you treat me, you would be in jail!

[Peter laughs again and Meg fake laughs in return]

Meg:
Oh, this is amusing to you? Well, see if you find this funny!

Peter:
I like where this is going.

Meg:
You're a fat, lazy, abusive, blue-collar, Irish-Catholic dad who drinks WAY too much, and barely makes enough to support his family! You've lived half your life, and you have nothing to show for it! Your only arguable accomplishments are your kids, and look at us! We're a disaster!

Stewie:
Hey, watch it!

Meg:
You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way! Take a good look at yourself Peter Griffin! You're a waste of a man!

Peter:
Wait a second, these are criticisms! Hey Lois, tell her to knock it off!

Lois:
Oh, and where the hell were you when she was laying into me?

Peter:
I was thinking about getting a fancy cane, maybe getting more attention from strangers.

Meg:
Have either of you guys been listening to me?! Do you both just have your heads up your asses?!

Chris:
Dad did. Look, he has shit on his ears!

Peter:
That's unrelated.

Lois:
Chris, I don't like that language.

Chris:
Well, I don't like your goddamn cooking!

Lois:
Well, I don't like having to literally empty the farts out of your pockets whenever I do your laundry!

Chris:
You're the one who's always cooking Brussels sprouts and broccoli! It's like an Irish bar fight down there!

[cut to a piece of broccoli and a Brussels sprout fighting]

Broccoli sprout:
You're from one town over, so I hate your guts! [the broccoli and Brussels sprout then fight Irish bar style]

[cut back to regular scene]

Chris:
WHY THE FUCK DON'T WE EVER GET ANY GOOD FOOD?!?!

Peter:
Yeah, Bonnie gives Joe Wonder bread!

Lois:
Well, then go live at Bonnie's house! Then I could finally sleep in and not have to answer your stupid questions at 5 a.m.!

Peter:
My curiosity peaks in the morning!

Chris:
You eat all my Dannon yogurts!

Peter:
I don't see your name on 'em!

Chris:
You don't even like 'em, but you know I do, and you don't want me to have 'em!

Lois:
You know, I've never confronted you on it, but I've often thought the same thing, Peter!

Meg:
Yeah, that's exactly what he does, 'cause he's a selfish, fat bastard!

Peter:
You shut up! All of youse!

[runs upstairs, and then turns to the family with tears in his eyes]

Peter:
I didn't ask to be in this family!

Lois:
[sighs] I'll go get him. [picks up Stewie] Peter, you come back here!

Chris:
[shouting at Meg] I FAKED ALL MY ORGASMS!

Brian:
Hey. What's goin' on? You know, that was, uh, that was pretty cool the way you finally stood up to everybody.

Meg:
[sighs] I don't know, Brian. I mean, I, I meant every word of it, but you saw what happened.

Brian:
What do you mean?

Meg:
They all turned on each other like a pack of wolves.

Brian:
Well, so what? That's not your problem.

Meg:
Do you think it's possible that that this family can't survive without some sort of lightning rod to absorb all the dysfunction?

Brian:
Well, that's a theory, I guess.

Meg:
I mean it's not ideal, but it's an important piece that maybe it's just my lot in life to provide. Maybe if I feel bad, they don't have to.

Brian:
Wow. You know, that's incredibly noble and mature, Meg. You know, I think you might be the strongest person in this house.

Meg:
You mean that, Brian?

Brian:
Absolutely.

Peter:
Aww, that yellow lab looks like it's dying.

Meg:
That's Gwyneth Paltrow.

Quagmire:
Guys, what the hell am I gonna do? She can't marry that prick! He's just gonna keep beating her and he's gonna beat the kid too! God, I wish she'd never met Jeffery Fecalman!

Peter:
You know, I was thinking... Wait, what?

Quagmire:
What?

Peter:
That's his name?

Quagmire:
Yeah.

Peter:
Huh-larious. But you know what, I was thinking this afternoon, what the hell happened to the days where a guy does something like that to a girl, and a bunch of us guys get together and just go kick his fucking ass?

Joe:
Boy, that'd be satisfying.

Quagmire:
Well, why not?

Peter:
What do you mean?

Quagmire:
The three of us, we go over there and we do what's right. We kill that fucking bastard!

Joe:
Woah, woah, Quagmire. You know, I could arrest you just for saying that.

Peter:
You know what else you can get arrested for? Soliciting a rooster.

[cutaway to a man and a rooster near a farm]

Man:
I don't know what this "cock-a-doodle-doo" thing is, but it sounds gay and scatological. [pulls out dollar] I'm in.

Rooster:
You're about to have a neat day.

[back to the scene]

Joe:
Quagmire, you're talking about murdering a guy. It doesn't matter what he's done, it's still murder!

Quagmire:
No, Joe, it does matter what he's done! These kinds of guys don't change! Y-You think they ever suddenly wake up and realize the error of their ways and clean up their act? NO! They just keep ruining everyone's lives, and the world is better off without them!

Joe:
It's against the law, Quagmire, and that's the end of it. [hears Brenda screaming in fear, the three look out the window].

Jeff:
WHAT THE FUCK?! DID YOU CHANGE THE CHANNEL WHILE I WAS GOING TO GET A BEER?!

Brenda:
Oh yeah, I'm sorry honey. I just wanted to see who was on Letterman.

Jeff:
WE'RE WATCHING LENO, YOU STUPID GODDAMN SLUT!

Brenda:
I'm so sorry!

Jeff:
HIS SOFT GENTLE HUMOR CONNECTS EFFORTLESSLY WITH MY MAINSTREAM CAPABILITIES! [Brenda screams as Jeff hits her].

Joe:
Let's waste this dick.

[Brian is questioning Stewie about the damaged car]

Brian:
Look at this! Do you know anything about this?!

Stewie:
About what? What a beautiful day - Oh my God, that is surprising! I had to stop the last sentence in the middle because I was so surprised. What happened?

Brian:
Gee, I don't know! Do YOU know what happened?

Stewie:
[chuckles] Sorry, what was that? I was laughing at that funny thing you said how Lois' potatoes "au rotten"?

Brian:
Huh. Didn't think anybody heard that. Wish you laughed at the time, but what the hell happened to my car?!

[Stewie is on TV]

Stewie:
Brian, I've decided to run away. Don't come looking for me. And definitely don't chase me to the airport and catch me at the gate just before I'm about to get on a plane with, like, an emotional speech and possibly flowers. For instance, it would be awful if all the TSA people were gathered around watching this emotional moment, even the older black female carry-on scanner who initially stopped you at the baggage check, but after you told her of your intentions said, "Go get him, child," in flagrant disregard for all newly-implemented post 9/11 security measures. And if you were bringing a boombox to play music, I would suggest any one of the six songs:

[the suggested songs scroll over Stewie:
"With or Without You" - U2, "Solsbury Hill" - Peter Gabriel, "Unwritten" - Natasha Bedingfield, "Live Like We're Dying" - Kris Allen, "Thank You" - Dido and "Somebody" - Depeche Mode]

Stewie:
So again, ran away. Don't come after me.

["Thank You" by Dido plays as the image fades]

Stewie:
[to Brian] What did I tell you about altering the past? Wait, when did you even do that?

Brian:
Well, remember when I said I was gonna take a leak?

Stewie:
Brian, you shouldn't have done that. Who knows what unforseen consequences are awaiting us? Saddam Hussein could be president. Mexico could be the world's dominant super power. Cookie Monster could have invented Facebook!

[cut to an office with the Cookie Man and a man behind a desk]

Peter:
What is this?

Cookie Man:
Cookiebook.

Stewie:
There it is! We did it, Brian! We made 9/11 happen! High five!

Brian:
Alright, high five!

[they give each other a high five]

Stewie:
Well, that... that probably wouldn't look very good out of context.

Joe:
Okay, let's pick teams; I'll be a captain and, uh... Mayor West, you could be the captain.

West:
All right, I pick you.

Joe:
You can't pick me, I'm a captain.

[cut to living room where an older West is surrounded with seven kids]

West:
No-one ever stood up for me like that before; I respected him thereon out.

Child 1:
That's a great story, Grampa.

Child 2:
I didn't like it.

[many years later; a much older West is surrounded with twelve kids]

West:
None of my grand children have ever disliked one of my stories before; from then on, he was my favorite.

Child 3:
Well. I don't like that story, Great-Grampa. [West stands up, and electrocutes the boy who disintegrates into dust]

West:
[breaks fourth wall] Future old people are wizards.

Babs:
Oh, Lois, that potato salad looks so good.

Lois:
Okay, mom. That's stuffing. Put your glasses on before you run over another black guy.

Lois:
I can't believe we're stuck in Amish Country.

Stewie:
Yeah, I thought something was a-mish. [Brian smacks him upside the head]

Lois:
We can't be part of a feud with the Amish!

Brian:
I didn't start this thing, Lois! But I'munna finish it! [goes into the house and dials the phone] Joe, round up Quagmire and all the modern day technology you can find! We are goin' to war! Oh, oh. Hey, Bonnie. I-Is Joe there? [pause] Well, can I leave a message for 'im? Yeah, yeah. It's what I said before 'bout, eh, th-the war thing.

[Peter and the gang get pulled over by a police car]

Peter:
Don't worry about it, guys. I read nowhere that Southern sheriffs really wanna be talked down to by big-shot Northerners.

[Peter puts on a Harvard University sweater and takes out a pipe as the sheriff approaches the car]

Sheriff Nichols:
Afternoon.

Peter:
[in a snooty voice] Officer, hwhat is it? We are in a tremendous urban rush.

Sheriff Nichols:
You fellas ain't from around here, are ya?

Peter:
[normal voice] Hey, Sheriff. I'm tryin' to learn Southern. Is this sayin' anything? Adoi-doi-doi-doi-doi!!

[Lois, Donna and Bonnie lie on the couch, intoxicated.]

Lois:
[drunk] He-he-ey-hey! I got an idea for something that's gonna be so fuckin' funny! [whispers to Bonnie and Donna] Okay, Bonnie, go get it. It's in the closet. [Bonnie leaves] Brian! Brian, come out here! [Brian enters the living room, reading a book]

Brian:
I'm reading.

Lois:
[giggles] What...what...whatta you reading?

Brian:
Well, I was just finishing Jonathan Franzen's book. Y'know, I'll admit, it has its moments, but it's completely overrated. I mean, I'm not saying I wrote something similar to it several years ago, but I am saying -

Lois:
Grab him!

[The wives jump on top of a struggling Brian.]

Brian:
What? Hey-hey?! What are you doing?! Hey!

Lois:
Get his paw! Hold still!

Brian:
Hey, hey, hey! What-?!

Lois:
Push him down onto all fours!

Brian:
No! What are you do-?! I don't wanna do this!

Lois:
If he really starts freaking out, put your pinkie in his butt!

[The wives release Brian; he is dressed as a bee and trying to get the costume off.]

Donna:
Calm down! Calm down!

[She whacks Brian on the head with the book. He runs into the stereo and the three women break down laughing hysterically.]

Lois:
Now, Stewie!

Stewie:
[walks in carrying a pistol] Alright, I guess this is the night bitches die.

[the Griffin family watches the Channel 5 news]

Tom Tucker:
Good morning, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up, we talk to a man on the street while another man further back on the street flips you off.

Joyce Kinney:
But first, Quahog was hit by a major blizzard last night. Here, with more details on the snowstorm is Asian correspondent Tricia Nakahoma.

Tom Tucker:
[annoyed] That's wrong. That's wrong, you're not doing good so far.

[Tricia Takanawa is shown outside, where it's packed with snow]

Tricia Takanawa:
I'm standing here surrounded by snow tourists, stalled cars and the one douchebag that wears a tank top everytime there is a blizzard.

Douchebag:
Yeah, this is nothin'. Guys at work drank a quart o' motor oil once and didn't even die from it. Put that on the news, but you won't.

Quagmire:
So, where is the birthday girl?

Meg:
Oh. Hi, Mr. Quagmire.

Quagmire:
Well, it's your 18th birthday, Meg. That's a very important milestone in a young girl's - I mean, a young woman's life. Hey, welcome to the adult club, huh? And you know what? You got another member right next door if you ever wanna talk and stuff. Happy birthday. [pats Meg's left leg. His little finger wiggles] Hey...hey, where's that pinkie goin', huh? Where's he goin'? What-what's he doin'? Get back here! There you go. [Meg smiles then looks at Quagmire]

Peter:
Heh-heh! Look at Quagmire hitting on that skank. You know he's gonna close the deal.

Brian:
Peter, that skank is your daughter.

Peter:
Oh my God, You're right!

Quagmire:
Y'know, Meg. I'd love to see you without your hat on. [lifts pink beanie. A green hand emerges from her scalp, pulls beanie down] Okay.

Stewie:
Don't worry, Dad. I'll take care of him! [punches Quagmire's legs] Stay away from my sis!

Peter:
Meg, get in the car! We're going home!

Meg:
I'm not going home. I'm 18, and you can't tell me what to do anymore!

Peter:
Meg, I'm only gonna say this once! You may be an adult, but you're still my daughter, and it's my job to protect you from errant wieners! So I don't care how old you are, you're gonna do what I say and GET IN THE DAMN CAR!

Meg:
Yes, Daddy... [walks away sadly with Peter following behind her, Lois walks up to Quagmire]

Lois:
If you ever touch my daughter again, I will cut your thing off and feed it to Brian!

Quagmire:
Okay.

Lois:
And Peter and I get this cabin for one weekend a month! Do you understand me?

Quagmire:
Yes, ma'am.

Lois:
Peter, I got us the cabin!

Peter:
Yay!

Lois:
[Back to Quagmire] I don't ever want to see you on our doorstep for at least a month!

Quagmire:
Would you sign the guestbook on your way out?

Lois:
[sighs angrily and writes] Lois Griffin. Peter Griffin. We heard a loon.

Japanese Guy #1:
Hey, you wanna see a movie?

Japanese Guy #2:
Nah, we're Japanese. Let's go watch a school girl bang an octopus!

Both:
[while high fiving] Yeah!

Octopus:
[sliding onto the screen, while speaking in Japanese] おいで 抱きしめて 上げるよ! (Come on! I'll hug you and lift you up!) Suction cup feel goooood!

[An anime school girl slides onto the screen while the octopus goes after her]

School Girl:
[high-pitched] Hiiiiiiiiii!

Octopus:
Hmmmm, ha, ha, haayy!

Peter:
[offscreen, upstairs] Guys, this is driving me nuts. Was one of the dwarves named Snappy? Kind of well-dressed, or am I just making that up? [falls down stairs while grunting and screaming again] OH, FUCK! FUCKIN' COCK! FUCK! COCK! COCK!

Meg:
Oh, my God, Dad!

Chris:
Dad, are you okay?!

Peter:
Damn it, I hate these new stairs! Yeah, I'm fine. I'll just - I'm-I'm just gonna lie here until the pain goes away. What are you guys watching?

Lois is sitting on the couch, watching TV]

TV:
We now return to True Blood.

Bill Compton:
: Hi, I'm a nude vampire.

Joe Manganiello:
Hi, I'm a nude werewolf.

Sookie Stackhouse:
And that's the show!

Lois:
Peter, come downstairs. That gay show you like is on.

Peter:
[offscreen] Coming! [He sneaks to the top of the stairs. He takes a piece of sandpaper from his pocket and sands the soles of his shoes. He then attempts to extremely slowly descend down the stairs, but slips on the first step while screaming and grunting] FUCK! FUCK! GOD DAMN IT! FUCKIN' COCKSUCKIN' COCK! FUCK! DAMN IT!

Lois:
Oh, my God, Peter! Are you okay?

Peter:
NO, I AM NOT OKAY! NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS OKAY!

Peter:
Wait a minute, Christian Science? Is that - is that that thing all them homo Hollywood actors do to keep their stuff out of other guys' butts?

Peter:
Okay, now take this walkie-talkie and confirm I'm at the various checkpoints.

Lois:
Huh, okay. [speaks into walkie-talkie] Peter up on a telephone pole?

Peter:
[spying from a telephone pole, lower binnoculars] Check.

Lois:
Peter cutting the wires to the alarm?

Peter:
[cuts the wire] Check.

Lois:
Sexy Peter distracting the guards?

Peter:
[dressed as a prostitute] Check. [to the guards] Hello, boys! Come out and have sex with me sometime!

Lois:
Van full of Peters with stern faces because they're about to pull off a heist?

Peter:
[shows a vanful of stern-faced Peters] Check.

Lois:
Upside-down Peter who isn't revealed to upside-down until the camera spins around and shows that he is?

Peter:
[appears right-side up until the camera spins around to show he's upside-down] Check.

Lois:
Peter in an open airplane door, slapping Peters on the back as they parachute out?

Peter:
[slapping other Peters as they parachute out] Go! Go-go-go-go-go! [into walkie-talkie] Check!

Lois:
Super gymnastic Asian Peter, contorted into a box that will be delivered into the house?

Asian Peter:
[shows Peter rolling in a crate and x-rays to reveal Asian Peter inside] Hai!

Lois:
Peter who hasn't answered because something has gone terribly wrong? [shows the walkie-talkie on the floor] Peter? Peter, are you there? [zooms out to reveal Peter lying dead with his throat slit as blood pools around him]

[Chris is dating a girl who looks just like Lois]

Stewie:
Are they not seein' this?

Brian:
I know, it's kinda creepy. It's almost like he's dating Lois.

Stewie:
Yeah – looks like somebody's getting a little Oedipussy.

Brian:
Can we say that?

Stewie:
Just did.

Lindsey:
[dressed as Lois] Thanks for buying me these clothes, Glenn.

Quagmire:
You're welcome. [to Mort, also dressed as Lois] And you're dismissed.

Mort:
Do I still get to keep the twenty?

[Billy and Peter both in the bathroom, Peter is naked]

Billy:
Don't take this the wrong way, but have you actually got a penis?

Peter:
Yes.

Billy:
Where... where is it?

Peter:
It's in there.

Billy:
Are you sure, so it's like Snuffleupagus down there, is it?

Peter:
Oh, to hell with this... Lois, get the ruler. We're measuring again, and this time, I decide where the base is.

Peter:
I gotta take a bath. [Billy is watching him]

Lois:
Go on then. We're both men.

Peter:
Well... alright I guess.

Billy:
There you go... [Peter gets naked and Billy starts laughing] ...look at that? What is th - WOAH! Solar eclipse blocking the sun, do not look directly at it! [laughs again]

Peter:
What... what, what, what the hell... what are you doing?

Billy:
I'm just making a comment... ummm... need to know something. Do you hear the word "morbidly" a lot?

Quagmire:
I don't like this, you guys – uh, this is bad... Joe's gonna find out, I just know it!

Peter:
Geez, Quagmire. You need to relax – and I know how to help. Calgon, take him away.

[scene fades. Quagmire nervously leans in the bubbly bath, looking down as the soap bubble around him floats higher]

Quagmire:
THIS IS WORSE, PETER!

Peter:
Relax! This is supposed to be your time! This is the right way to deal with your problems.

[Lois visits Peter in prison]

Lois:
Peter, How could you do this? You have a family!

Peter:
For once, could you visit me in jail and not criticize me?

Lois:
What!

[everyone cheers as Chris and Yamamoto furiously eat their hot dogs]

Peter:
Chris, you're four hot dogs behind! Come on!

Chris:
Ohh... I can't eat anymore!

Peter:
Remember what I told you...

[a dream cloud comes as Chris remembers his father's words]

Peter:
I get this weird cyst things right on the fringe of my sac. I want to get it checked, but I'm afraid of what they're gonna tell me.

Chris:
He's right. I can do it! [he starts eating up all the hot dogs, then Yamamoto does the same]

[the buzzer beeps]

Announcer:
We have a winner! Ladies and gentlemen, Yamamoto has finally been defeated!

[the crowd cheers as Yamamoto sadly leaves]

Peter:
[picks up Chris] Chris, you did it! You're a champion! And now you get your pick of the groupies!

[there are four fat models]

Chris:
They're shiny.

Peter:
Yeah, it's a pretty warm day.

Stewie:
What's going on here?

Peter:
I'm a good friend to you.

[Peter replaces a family portrait with a portrait of Laser Tag Times newspaper article reading "Peter Griffin Eliminates Enemies. DESTROYS WORLD!"]

Peter:
I put our family on the map tonight. No longer will we be just those faceless nobodys who brought the bird flu to Quahog.

Lois:
You know, there's something seriously wrong with the man who always puts his friends over his family.

Brian:
Come on, Lois. I think you're over reacting. What's so wrong about a guy hanging out with his buddies?

Lois:
Buddies? You're one of his buddies?

Brian:
Yeah, and you know why? 'Cause I don't try to tell him what he can and can't do.

Lois:
Oh, please, Brian. You're just two people living in the same house. If you didn't, you'd never hang out with each other in a million years. He owns you. You're his property.

Lois:
[telling Peter why he can't run out and take pictures for his book of "lesbian butts in 80's jeans"] Peter, you're not doing that. I got a ton of errands to run, and I need your help around here.

Peter:
Well, fine! If I can't do the book, I'm gonna hurt something you love! [opens the closet door, pulls out vacuum cleaner, and proceeds to stab the vacuum bag repeatedly, scattering dust all over the room] *Cough, cough* Ya happy now?

Lois:
Maybe we should discuss this in the other room. [indicating Stewie] I don't like fightin' in front of the kids.

Peter:
No! I wanna fight in front of the kids! I feed off the excitement of an audience!

Lois:
Peter, for once you're gonna stay here and help around the house. Now, I need you to watch Stewie till I get back. [leaves]

Brian:
[walks into family room holding cup of coffee and newspaper, and sees the stabbed vacuum cleaner] Whoever did this, thank you.

[Peter places a device, moves the handle and AWOOGA goes the klaxon]

Peter:
Uh-oh! Sounds like my cranky new neighbor just got home! I hope she doesn't come over here and give me the business! [knocks the table three times. he picks up a poorly designed puppet version of Lois in a high tone] Peetah! [normal tone, irritable] Oh, hi, Saggy Naggy. [high] Never mind with 'hi'! It sounds like someone's having fun over here! You know I don't like that! [normal, brusquely] Hey, kids, meet Saggy Naggy. Real nice lady, huh?

Kids:
NOOOOO!

Peter:
What can I do for ya, Saggy Naggy? [high, bawled] You can stop havin' fun! [normal, bugged] But we like fun – don't we, kids?

Kids:
Yes!

Peter:
[high, incredulous] Well, too bad, 'cause you're all gonna eat your vegetables, listen to long stories about my cousins, and how we fold sheets! [to Peter] And you! You're gonna help me around the house, take out the garbage and give Stewie his bottle! [cut to Stewie on the couch in sunglasses through his cellphone]

Stewie:
Yeah, I heard it – he says my name on TV all the time, calm down, bitch.

Peter:
[high, bawled] Make me dinner, and go rent Twilight, and do mouth stuff on me, even though it's been a day-and-a-half since I've showered, and I've used several public bathrooms in the interim! [reverts to normal voice] Sounds like this could go on for a while, kids. Hey Saggy Naggy, I'll know what'll cheer you up. Do you like pie? [high] I guess. [normal] Well, how does this taste? [hits the pie in Saggy Naggy's face, much to the applause and joy of children]

[Lois covers her ears in bed. Zooms out to Peter hold a gigantic plume feather in the form of a quill pen, and begins to write]

Peter:
"Dearest Augustine, I do hope this latest damp has not aggravated your grey lung." [*dips his quill] Dip-dip-dip-dip-dip. "Matters stateside have taken a tragic turn as this year's gourd crop has fallen prey to a rather unexpected infestation of salt marsh cutworms." Dip-dip-dip-dip-dip.

Lois:
[sits up] Peter, it's 4:00 in the morning; come to bed!

Peter:
[writes further] "Marital concerns continue to bedevil me."

[Lois leaves the en-suite, then stops. Zoom out and Peter is on his twin bed next to Quagmire]

Lois:
Peter, what's going on?

Peter:
Quagmire's havin' a sleepover with me.

Lois:
[giggly] You can't be serious.

Peter:
[deeply concerned] Look, Lois, I told ya that I need to have somebody sleepin' next to me. Alright now, if that's not gonna be you–

Lois:
Fine, do what you want, I don't care, but I think it's very strange.

Peter:
Okay, that's the one thing that's not.

Quagmire:
Yeah, it's not strange.

Lois:
I already told you, I don't care. [switches lamp off and lies down]

Quagmire:
[to Peter] It's not strange.

Peter:
I know.

Peter:
[on the phone] I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want, but I have a very particular lack of skills. I will never be able to find you. But what I do have is two dollars and a Casio wrist-watch. You can have one of them.

Voice on Phone:
Drakkar Noir

Peter:
These guys are serious. [to Lois] Lois, Meg's dead!

French Abduction Scout:
[dying words after being run over by a bus] Oh no... I have chateau-ed myself....

Quagmire:
Hey, you ever accidentally masturbate to young pictures of your mom?

Peter:
Who the fuck starts a conversation like that? I just sat down!

Brian:
Hey! So how's that Tea Party goin', huh? More like TP Party. [pause] Toilet paper.

Quagmire:
Hey, kid. Cm'ere. I wanna see if I can still smell your mom's boobs on your mouth.

Stewie:
Why don't you go and hump a pile of garbage?

[Stewie wakes up in the morning, and is greeted by Lois.]

Lois:
Stewie, Rise and Shine, Good morning, Stewie.

Stewie:
Fuck you.

Peter:
Secrets are what keep a marriage fresh.

[Bonnie enters her room and angry at Joe, Quagmire looks at the baby monitor]

Quagmire:
Uh-oh! The baby monitor!

Joe:
What? The baby monitor?

Bonnie:
You cheated on me?!

Joe:
Uh, I, uhh...

Bonnie:
You bastard!! [Heads downstairs to the party]

Joe:
Bonnie, please!

Bonnie:
After all I do for you, this is how you repay me!

Joe:
Well, how do you think I felt when I found out you slept with that French guy, huh?

Bonnie:
I never slept with Francois!

Joe:
What?! Remember, Peter said--

Peter:
Lois, didn't you say that Bonnie slept with him?

Lois:
No, Peter! I said she wanted to!

Joe:
DAMN IT, PETER!

Peter:
Now, hold on. In my defense, it is my experience that I am generally correct about most things.

Joe:
Eh, You know what? It doesn't matter. Bonnie's been driving me away for some time now.

Bonnie:
What?! Driving you away?! Do you have any idea how hard it is living with you?!

Stewie:
They still have one of those TVs with the big fat back.

Lois:
Maybe we should all leave -

Joe and Bonnie:
NO!

Joe:
Everyone stays! I want this to be a disaster! Because this has been a long-time coming! You care about nothing except yourself!

Bonnie:
You son of a bitch! I got a license to operate a sex crane of you!

Joe:
And I got earplugs so I could put up with that (imitating Bonnie) horrible voice of yours. I'm not an impressionist, but you get the idea!

Bonnie:
I perform purification rituals on my body after we have sex! I find it cleanses the immeasurable sadness of having lain with a wretch!

Joe:
I WANT A DIVORCE!

Bonnie:
You got it!

[Everyone sees Peter opening all of Kevin's presents]

Peter:
Sorry, I opened some of the gifts.