Family Guy, Season 11

[The Griffins are greeting their new neighbors who have moved into Cleveland's old house]

Stan Smith:
Hello, neighbors!

Peter:
Joe, you can walk!

Stan:
How do you do? I'm Stan Smith. Please, come in.

[The Griffins walk inside to meet the rest of the Smith family]

Francine:
Oh, I'm so glad everyone could make it.

[Meg meets Hayley]

Meg:
Wow! You know, it's really cool to have another girl my age in the neighborhood.

Hayley:
Shut up, Meg!

Meg:
She knows my name!

[Stewie and Brian meet Klaus]

Stewie:
Little heads up about the neighbor, Quagmire, that guy will have sex with anything. So, you know… tape up your fish holes.

Klaus:
Thanks for the tip.

Stewie:
Do you pee in that water and then swim in it?

Klaus:
Yeah.

Stewie:
[beat] …You're alright.

[Chris meets Steve]

Chris:
If you had my boobs, and I saw you from behind, I would think you were hot.

Steve:
[creeped out] Thanks.

Chris:
[beat] …And now is when you say the same to me.

[Lois meets Francine]

Lois:
Wait a minute. Francine? From the Depeche Mode tour, 1984?!

Francine:
Oh my God! Lois?!

Stan:
You two know each other?

[Lois and Francine laugh]

Francine:
No, we don't know each other. [whispers to Lois] You’ve ruined me for all men.

Roger:
[entering the room] Stan, I need $50. They’re selling a biopsy of Celine Dion's uterus on Ebay.

Peter:
The hell kind of dog is that?

Roger:
[points to Meg] I was gonna ask the same thing.

Stan:
Oh, uh, that's our alien, Roger. He lives in our attic, but nobody can know! And don't tell anybody about our attic.

[Peter’s phone rings and he answers]

Peter:
Hello. Oh, hey, Quagmire! Hey, you're not gonna believe this, I'm over here with Joe, and he's got a space alien…

[Stan suddenly shoots Peter dead while everyone else screams in horror, scene cuts to Peter struggling to sleep in bed]

Lois:
Peter, wake up! You're having a nightmare.

Peter:
[waking up] Oh! Oh, Lois! Thank God it was just a dream.

Hank Hill:
[exiting the bathroom] Hey! Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed?!

[scene cuts to Hank waking up in bed next to a sleeping Peggy]

Hank:
[sigh] Dammit! I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby.