Family Guy, Season 11

[Competing over dinner with Ross Fishman]

Peter:
Shirts off! I want to see who's got bigger pecs. [Tears off his shirt]

Joe:
Peter!

Peter:
Well, they look better when they're oiled up. Chris, pass that salad dressing. Oh, no, it's an almost empty squeeze bottle. Hang on. [squirts whatever is left onto his body] Eh, it's all out. [to Chris] There's dressing on that salad! Gimme that salad! [puts some salad onto his body] Yeah, who's the better man now, Ross?!

Tom Tucker:
Is there anything we can do to make the news more appealing to you?

Peter:
Maybe. I guess you could lose the mustache.

Tom:
Lose my mustache? Well, gosh, I… I don’t know, my birthmark makes it kind of tough. Always caused me problems at my old job.

[Scene cuts to Tom, without a mustache, reporting on Channel 12 News, with his birthmark in the shape of a swastika prominently displayed above his mouth.]

Tom:
And that’ll do it for us here at Channel 12 News. Make sure you turn those clocks ahead. Good night, St. Louis!

[Peter sits on the couch depressed when Brian walks in]

Brian:
Hey, what's wrong, Peter?

Peter:
I miss my friend, Brian. I mean, I was having fun with those Nielsen boxes, but what's the point if I don't get Joe and Quagmire to enjoy it with me? I guess I shouldn't have messed with television.

Brian:
Well, it's not exactly your fault. The networks never should have listened to you in the first place. This is exactly what makes bad television: pandering to the lowest common denominator.

Peter:
So what do I do, Brian?

Brian:
Well, you still have these boxes. That means you still have the power to influence television. Maybe you can use that power to help restore television to the way it was.

Peter:
You're right, Brian. Maybe if I watch smart, quality shows, that'll help get things back to the way they were. We can use these boxes for good and...

[Suddenly, three bullets destroy the Nielsen boxes]

Peter:
What the hell?!

[cut to Mayor West with a shotgun]

Mayor West:
That's for adding another tree to One Tree Hill!

Brian:
Oh, my God! He destroyed every last box!

Peter:
Holy crap!

Brian:
We're sunk now, Peter. There goes your one chance to get television back to the way it was.

Peter:
Wait a minute. Maybe not, Brian.

[A lightbulb appears over Peter's head]

Peter:
I think I just got an idea.

[Peter gets up and breaks the lightbulb]

Peter:
Aah! I got glass in my face! Oh, crap. Now I forgot what it was.

[Peter sits back down and another lightbulb appears over his head]

Peter:
I got it!

[Peter gets up again and breaks the second lightbulb]

Peter:
Aah! Son of a bitch!

[after Quagmire was revealed to have been wearing a wig]

Peter:
I guess all the time Quagmire should've been saying "Wiggity".

Quagmire:
Baldness is for women's crotches, not men's heads.

Stewie:
Somehow, my machine seems to have reversed the direction of time.

Brian:
Reversed the direction of time? Stewie, what does that mean? I don't get it.

[We angle on the sidewalk. Mort Goldman takes a quarter from his pocket and puts it on the sidewalk, then continues]

Brian:
Okay, now I get it.

[Brian and Stewie hear groaning]

Stewie:
What the devil is that?

Brian:
It's Peter and Chris. Sounds like they're in trouble.

[they go to the living room and they see Peter and Chris groaning with vomit all over the room]

Stewie:
My God. Why is there so much vomit everywhere?

Brian:
[points at a bottle] Is that the ipecac bottle? [suddenly realizes] Oh, no! No, please, not this!

Stewie:
Oh, God! It's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going - [throws up]

Brian:
Oh, dear God! [throws up; Peter's vomit covers his eyes] Aah! WHAT THE HELL?!

[Peter holds Brian's ears and throws up]

Stewie:
I don't wanna! I don't wanna! [regurgitates]

Chris:
Dad, I'm scared! [vomits and cries]

Stewie:
Oh God, this is so disgusting! I think I'm gonna puke! [regurgitates] FUCK!

[Brian and Stewie go outside, wipe their mouths, and groan in disgust]

Brian:
Stewie, I don't care what it takes. We've GOT to fix this! We just ate so much vomit!

Stewie:
Brian, it gets worse. Look.

[Stewie and Brian see a pregnant Bonnie putting some mail in the mailbox]

Brian:
Yeah, Bonnie is pregnant with Susie. So what?

Stewie:
That means Susie has been "unborn".

Brian:
Oh, my God! Stewie, you aren't that much older than Susie.

Stewie:
Brian, if we don't push time forward again soon, then I too will become unborn.

Stewie:
Watch your back, Simpsons, we're less than halfway there.

[Peter makes the "I'm watching you" sign]

Joe:
What is that?

Peter:
Let's use our eyes to see.

Stewie:
Oh, my God! Super Mario? What are you doing here?

Mario:
I jump-a on-a turtles, Stewie. It's-a not an exciting life, but it's-a my life.

Peter:
I'm gonna get our old mom back! Brian, keys! Chris, beer! Meg, UG-LAAAAAY!

[Cutaway shows Lois in a hospital bed with baby Meg whose heart is beating on the top of her head]

Dr. Hartman:
Yeah, that's... that's not supposed to be there so, she should probably always wear a hat.

Lois:
Oh, I wouldn't worry about it, Bonnie. I've put Stewie in the oven a bunch of times. As long as you come to your senses in 15 minutes, everything's fine.

Peter:
Lois, can I go slip N slide in the yard?

Lois:
Has it been half an hour since you've eaten?

Peter:
Yes, almost.

Lois:
Okay, I just wanna be sure you don't get a cramp.

Peter:
Yay, poor people water fun!

Joseph (Peter):
Y'know, this is the same picnic basket we drowned my sister in. Was back when they were like "Drown all the girls!" and then they were like "Don't drown all the girls!", but she was born on a drowning week so you know. Achoo!

Joseph (Peter):
[trying to have sex with Mary/Lois] I can't believe how hard you're making me work.

The Virgin Mary (Lois):
Well, I did have a good virginity coach.

[cutaway]

Consuela:
No, no, no.

The Virgin Mary (Lois):
Okay, I think I got it. How's this?... [in Consuela's accent] No, no, no.

Consuela:
No, no, no.

Peter:
Hey, what's that in there?

Guide:
That's a sensory deprivation room that prepares our astronauts for the terrifying emptiness of space.

Peter:
Aw cool! Hey, c'mon, Brian. Try it with me. [both enter; the guide closes the door; both scream and exit with their heads on each other's bodies]

Peter:
Things got crazy so fast!

Peter:
Oh my god, everyone, strap yourselves in! Stewie, hold my hand!

Stewie:
No, thank you. I prefer to die giving you the finger. [Stewie does so]

Peter:
If this is what it takes to get out of Florida, fine.

Stewie:
You tried to destroy it, didn't you? I knew my play was good, just like I knew your play was a mediocre patchwork of hackneyed ideas and tired cliches. You have no idea how hard it was to sit in that theater with all those braying hyenas. Couldn't you tell something was up when Chris and the fat man could follow the plot? I mean, it took Peter a year to figure out "Stuart Little".

[Cutaway]

Peter:
I just figured it out. "Stuart" means mouse.

Lois:
No, Peter.

Peter:
"Little" means mouse?

Lois:
No, Peter.

Peter:
I feel so old and in the way.

[Present]

Brian:
It's still a good play!

Stewie:
It's filled with terrible double entendres, puns, and stolen bits. There's a line in there from Seinfeld.

Brian:
I never saw that episode.

Stewie:
I have a voice. Do you understand that? A writer needs a voice and I have one. You don't. Your play panders to the lowest common denominator, Brian. And it doesn't even do that well!

Peter:
Where will you two be going on your date? And can I plan your bridal golden shower?

Quagmire:
I need you to have sex with me while she watches.

[Long silence]

Peter:
I have some demands.

[Lois comes down the stairs to the darkened living room in a robe]

Lois:
Peter, are you ready for your Valentine's gift?

[she disrobes and turns on the light to find she's standing naked before Stewie as he stares at her]

Stewie:
No, but I'm ready for therapy.

[Stewie throws up and returns to the present after realizing the infant girl he fell in love with and kissed is his mother]

Brian:
Oh my God. Stewie, what happened?

Stewie:
NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS WHAT HAPPENED!

Brian:
(angrily) Geez, do you kiss your mother with that mouth? (Stewie throws up again while Brian recoils)

Lois:
Sweet dreams, Chris.

[Lois turns the lights off. Chris turns them on; Lois's bed is moved closer to Chris]

Chris:
I'm not tired yet.

Lois:
That was a fun birthday party, Chris?

Chris:
That kid was Indian and eleven years old. Where are you finding my friends?

Joe:
Hey, Quagmire, do yourself a favor: don't get married.

Quagmire:
I wasn't gonna.

Joe:
Good. Don't.

Quagmire:
[Impatiently] I said I wasn't!

Joe:
Good. Don't.

Quagmire:
Joe, you telling me not to does not affect me whatsoever. I will not get married.

Joe:
[Defiantly] Perfect. ...don't.

Joe:
Quagmire, you should never meet one of those sex operators.

Quagmire:
[Impatiently] Yeah that's what I said... I wouldn't do it!

Joe:
Good. Don't.

Quagmire:
[Angrily] J-Joe, you realize what you're telling me not to do, I already am not doing! I know I should never meet one of those sex operators ever!

Joe:
Good. Don't.

[while Peter, Quagmire and Joe are about to skydive]

Quagmire:
Whoa, is that Harrison Ford?

Peter:
Yeah, it said in the brochure that he assists with all the jumps.

Ford:
[while throwing the passengers off the plane] Get off my plane! Get off my plane! Get off my plane!

[the phone rings]

Lois:
Hello?

[it's Peter]:

Peter:
Is dinner almost ready?

Lois:
Yes, Peter. God, where are you? I can barely hear you.

Peter:
Pull back my chair ever so slightly.

[Lois complies and Peter crashes through the ceiling of the house]

Peter:
Ahh, Daddy's home.

Peter:
I just don't think he could have done it. Guilty!

[Quagmire whispers in his ear]

Peter:
Oh, guilty is the other one? [exasperated] Well, I don't know.

[The Griffin family are all taking a bath together]

Chris:
Dad, how long do we have to sit here?

Peter:
Until I'm not angry anymore, you naked bitches!

[The Griffins are greeting their new neighbors who have moved into Cleveland's old house]

Stan Smith:
Hello, neighbors!

Peter:
Joe, you can walk!

Stan:
How do you do? I'm Stan Smith. Please, come in.

[The Griffins walk inside to meet the rest of the Smith family]

Francine:
Oh, I'm so glad everyone could make it.

[Meg meets Hayley]

Meg:
Wow! You know, it's really cool to have another girl my age in the neighborhood.

Hayley:
Shut up, Meg!

Meg:
She knows my name!

[Stewie and Brian meet Klaus]

Stewie:
Little heads up about the neighbor, Quagmire, that guy will have sex with anything. So, you know… tape up your fish holes.

Klaus:
Thanks for the tip.

Stewie:
Do you pee in that water and then swim in it?

Klaus:
Yeah.

Stewie:
[beat] …You're alright.

[Chris meets Steve]

Chris:
If you had my boobs, and I saw you from behind, I would think you were hot.

Steve:
[creeped out] Thanks.

Chris:
[beat] …And now is when you say the same to me.

[Lois meets Francine]

Lois:
Wait a minute. Francine? From the Depeche Mode tour, 1984?!

Francine:
Oh my God! Lois?!

Stan:
You two know each other?

[Lois and Francine laugh]

Francine:
No, we don't know each other. [whispers to Lois] You’ve ruined me for all men.

Roger:
[entering the room] Stan, I need $50. They’re selling a biopsy of Celine Dion's uterus on Ebay.

Peter:
The hell kind of dog is that?

Roger:
[points to Meg] I was gonna ask the same thing.

Stan:
Oh, uh, that's our alien, Roger. He lives in our attic, but nobody can know! And don't tell anybody about our attic.

[Peter’s phone rings and he answers]

Peter:
Hello. Oh, hey, Quagmire! Hey, you're not gonna believe this, I'm over here with Joe, and he's got a space alien…

[Stan suddenly shoots Peter dead while everyone else screams in horror, scene cuts to Peter struggling to sleep in bed]

Lois:
Peter, wake up! You're having a nightmare.

Peter:
[waking up] Oh! Oh, Lois! Thank God it was just a dream.

Hank Hill:
[exiting the bathroom] Hey! Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed?!

[scene cuts to Hank waking up in bed next to a sleeping Peggy]

Hank:
[sigh] Dammit! I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby.

Peter:
I always wanted to go to Canada, but then South Park went, so we couldn't go.

Peter:
[in a deep voice] I even won a deep voice contest with Joe.

Joe:
[in a deep voice] I heard you coming.

Peter:
I made myself heard.

Joe:
Where have you come from?

Peter:
I've come from where I've been.

Joe:
You still riding with that mangy polecat, Fletcher?

Peter:
Fletcher met the long arm of the law at the wrong end of a shotgun in the deep end of a grave at the far end of a dead-end road.

Referee:
Winner!

Peter:
Look, Lois! I have my friends and you have groceries and all those rusty pink razors in the shower. Now just stick to what's intended for you and leave my things to me.

Peter:
There's only one drinking spot for us and it's the Clam.

Quagmire:
But Peter, it's closed. We can't go in there.

Peter:
Quagmire, when a girl says she doesn't want to have sex with you, do you take that as an answer?

[a man whispers into Quagmire's ear]

Quagmire:
My lawyer has advised me not to answer that question.

Meg:
[puts make up on corpse] Wow, that really works. Hmm, maybe I'll try that on myself.

Meg's boss at the morgue:
Oh, eh... You have what we call a "closed-casket-face".

Lois:
[to Peter] I forgot you don't even know your ass from a hole in the ground.

[cut to a cutaway of Peter walking by a hole in the ground, he stops to look at it]

Peter:
Is that my ass?

Meg:
You guys. I think this is a meth lab.

Lois:
Oh my god. Do you mean like as in D-R-U-G-S? Aren't those I-L-L-E-G-A-L?

Stewie:
What's going on? What are you guys talking about?

Lois:
Uh-oh, someone's getting cranky. [picks up Stewie] I think he needs an N-A-P.

Stewie:
What's happening? Where are you taking me? Man, I got to crack this code.

Lucky Stewie:
Okay, come on. You look nothing like your photo in the ad.

Loan Shark Enforcer:
[pulls out a gun] Shut up and give me the money!

Lucky Brian:
What?! What the hell are you talking about?

Lucky Stewie:
Okay, I'm starting to think you're not Apollo.

Loan Shark Enforcer:
You bastards think that you can just borrow a bunch of money from a loan shark and then waste it on tacky suits?!

Lucky Stewie:
"Tacky"? Sir, I'll have you know I bought this in the lobby of a casino!

Lucky Brian:
Don't shoot! You must have us confused with someone else. We didn't borrow any money, I swear!

Loan Shark Enforcer:
Sounds like someone wants to die!

Lucky Brian:
No! Stewie, just give him the money from the backpack!

Lucky Stewie:
Okay, okay! Don't shoot! [unzips the unlucky pair's backpack] What? It's empty! It's just Cheerios and coloring books!

Lucky Brian:
What?! Where the hell is the money?!

Lucky Stewie:
Sir, we can't give you any money, but if you have some milk and a bowl, we can give you a healthy way to start your day.

Loan Shark Enforcer:
Alright, enough of this! You, dog - pick which one of you two is gonna die!

Lucky Brian:
What?! You can't ask me to decide something like that! The life of every being is sacred, just like the life of -

Loan Shark Enforcer:
Fine! I'll kill you!

Lucky Brian:
No, no! [points at Stewie] Kill him! He's a baby! He won't even remember he was alive!

Lucky Stewie:
You son of a -

[The Loan Shark Enforcer shoots Stewie in his forehead]

Lucky Brian:
Aaah! Stewie!

Loan Shark Enforcer:
Now give us the money borrowed!

[Brian and Stewie are standing on the edge of the balcony, ready to commit suicide]

Stewie:
Well... this is it.

Brian:
I guess so.

Stewie:
Count to three?

Brian:
Yep.

Brian and Stewie:
1... 2...

Brian:
[jumps off the balcony, but Stewie doesn't] Three!

Stewie:
[holds onto the railing] I'm sorry, I can't! I want to live! I didn't think we were gonna do it!

Brian:
[falls to his death] YOU DICK!

Stewie:
Oh, my God! Brian! Brian, no! Good Lord, what have I done?! [tries to run out of the room] I'd better get the hell out of here! [trips over his backpack and finds the money the other pair had won] What the deuce? Where did this come from? [slides the money tops] Well, looks like Archibald Meatpants is gonna have a fun night.

Brian:
Hey, so yeah... I'm digging a hole under the fence in the backyard.

Stewie:
Brian, you have a car. You don't have to escape.

Brian:
Just don't say anything, okay?