Father Ted, Series 2

(Ted and Dougal are sitting down at breakfast. Ted had discovered the stolen whistle the night before in Dougal's jacket)

Father Ted:
Dougal, is there anything on your mind?

(Dougal looks around, a dumb expression on his face)

Father Ted:
Let me re-phrase that. Is there anything you want to tell me about? Something bothering you in some way?

Father Dougal:
Like what Ted?

Father Ted:
Have you done anything you might be embarrassed about? Have you done anything bad recently? Anything wrong?

Father Dougal:
Wrong?

Father Ted:
Yes Dougal. "Wrong". You remember right and wrong? The difference between the two? Page one of "How to be a Catholic".

(Dougal looks clueless and confused)

Father Ted:
Honestly Dougal, this is very basic stuff.

(Dougal continues to look confused)

Father Ted:
What is "wrong"? Give me an example of something that's "wrong".

Father Dougal:
(trying very hard to rise to this intellectual challenge) Just give me a second Ted. (stands up)

Father Ted:
Arson. There's one. (pause) Murder. (pause) Swearing.

Father Dougal:
Swearing. Yeah.

Father Ted:
Anything else?

(Dougal is racking his brains)

Father Dougal:
Err... Emm... Err... L.. Lying?

Father Ted:
(animated) Well done Dougal! Yes!

Father Dougal:
Thanks Ted.

(Dougal begins to collapse. The strain of thinking was too much)

Father Ted:
Dougal are you all right?

Father Dougal:
I'm fine Ted I just need to sit down.

(Dougal sits back down)

Father Ted:
Sorry about that Dougal. I probably pushed you a bit hard there.

Father Dougal:
No worries Ted.

(Dougal places his head on the table in exhaustion)

Father Ted:
Dougal, something else that's wrong is... stealing.

(Dougal looks up at Ted. He's beginning to recover)

Father Ted:
What I'm trying to say is that it's wrong to steal. Stealing is just something you don't do.

Father Dougal:
Right. Except you.

Father Ted:
(shocked) What?

Father Dougal:
Well you're allowed to steal.

Father Ted:
(indignant) What are you talking about?

Father Dougal:
The money. From that Lourdes thing.

(Ted is lost for words and is very uncomfortable and beginning to get angry)

Father Ted:
(defensively) Different thing altogether Dougal. First of all, that money was just resting in my account before I moved it on!

Father Dougal:
It was resting for a long time Ted.

Father Ted:
Yes, but...

Father Dougal:
A good long rest.

Father Ted:
(frustrated) Look Dougal, we're not talking about me! We're talking about YOU!

Father Dougal:
Is there anything you want to tell me about?

(Ted reaches into his top pocket and produces the stolen whistle)

Father Ted:
This, for example?