House, Season 1

Patient #3:
I can't get my contact lenses out-

Dr. House:
Out of what? They're not in your eyes.

Patient #3:
But they're red.

Dr. House:
That's because you're trying to remove your corneas. [moves to next patient] What's wrong with you?

Patient #4:
Uh, lately, my wife has noticed that...

Dr. House:
Yeah, yeah. Symptoms, [gestures at Cuddy] we're working on a personal best here.

Patient #4:
Numbness in my feet and hands, constipation...

Dr. House:
And?

Dr. Cuddy:
Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable talking about his private matters...

Dr. House:
Well, neither would I, if I was having trouble controlling my pee pee!

[to patient]

Dr. House:
You're a dentist. Nitrous oxide poisoning, which means you're either dipping into your own supply, or you've got a bad valve in the office. Laughing gas rehab's probably more expensive than the plumber. Meanwhile, get yourself some B12.

[moves to college student]

Dr. House:
Who's left?

College Student:
I can't see. [House and Cuddy look appalled] Nah, I'm just screwing with you. [House looks at Cuddy, who smiles] It's a hangover, my English Lit professor told me he'd fail me next time if I didn't show up with a doctor's note.

Dr. House:
Well, make friends with the dentist. He can give you a note, and maybe a little nitrous to take the edge off.

[he looks at the clock and walks out]