House, Season 1

Dr. Wilson:
[House is attempting to put on a tie before his date with Cameron] The wide side's too short. You're gonna look like Lou Costello.

Dr. House:
This is a mistake. I don't know how to have casual conversation. You think you're talking about one thing, and either you are and it's incredibly boring, or you're not because it's subtext and you need a decoder ring.

Dr. Wilson:
Open doors for her, help her with her chair...

Dr. House:
I have been on a date.

Dr. Wilson:
Uh, not since disco died. Comment on her shoes, her earrings, and then move on to D.H.A.: her Dreams, Hopes, and Aspirations. Trust me — panty-peeler. Oh, and if you need condoms, I've got some.

Dr. House:
[sarcastically] Did your wife give them to you?

Dr. Wilson:
Drug rep. They got antibiotics built in, somehow.

Dr. House:
I should cancel. I've got a patient in surgery tomorrow.

[House moves to the kitchen]

Dr. Wilson:
And if you were a surgeon, that would actually matter.