Kevin Can Wait, Season 1

[first lines]

Donna:
Hey, there you are. Since it's your retirement party tonight, if the leaves in the front yard got raked up today, that'd be great.

Kevin:
Oh, that'd be unbelievable.

Donna:
What happened to, "I got you"? I mean you're home now. You have nothing but free time.

Kevin:
But that's the misconception about retired people. Some of us are very active, like me. I got the guys coming over 11:00 for a little day drinking. Then we're all gonna learn how to use crossbows.

Jack:
Hey, Dad?

Kevin:
Yeah.

Jack:
I probably shouldn't go to school today. I-I think I got a concussion from football.

Kevin:
Jack, you play "Madden" football.

Jack:
Yeah. but yesterday I got excited, and I hit myself in the face with the controller. I'm still not right.

Sara:
He's got be a huge letdown after me, right?

Kevin:
I got to be honest. Neither of you knocked it out of the park.

Donna:
Okay, I think what your father means is we love you both. Now, backpacks are packed. Let's go. Have a great day.

Sara and Jack:
Bye.

Kevin:
Love you. Goodbye. Be good, okay?

Donna:
Oh, I got you a little retirement gift. I mean, if you have time in your schedule.

Kevin:
I will move some things around. Let me see. What do you get?

Donna:
To a great cop, for a job well done. It's a Gyro Bowl.

Kevin:
Oh, I know what it is, Donna. It's the bowl that won't spill. How did you know I wanted it?

Donna:
Every time the commercial came on, you kicked out your legs and you screamed.

Kevin:
Yeah, and it worked because now I have one. All right. Let's test this baby out. We got to start small. Let's try some pretzels, okay?

Donna:
I was worried that when you retired, we'd be bored. Okay.

Kevin:
Now, give me a scenario where I might spill it. Come on.

Donna:
Okay, you're on a fishing boat, having a snack.

Kevin:
Oh. I like that.

Donna:
Yeah.

Kevin:
Oh. look... look at that. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Donna:
Look at that. Oh. But the water's choppy.

Kevin:
Oh, is it choppy?

Donna:
No, it's choppier than that. Oh. Yeah, ooh, ooh. And then... And then a huge wave smashes into you! Oh!

Kevin:
Oh, nothing! Nothing!

Donna:
All right, I want to do it. It's my turn.

Kevin:
Okay, uh, we got to kick it up a notch, though. Let's go with uh... We're going with ketchup.

Donna:
Okay. All right, great. All right.

Kevin:
Ready?

Donna:
Oh, see, this is why I love you. You had no fear.

Kevin:
Yep.

Donna:
Okay, good. All right. Now you give me a scenario.

Kevin:
Okay, now, you are a prostitute. You... Wow, I'm sorry. I don't even know where that came from. I don't even...

Donna:
Wow is right. Oh, and you know what? How about I am a school nurse who's about to be late?

Kevin:
You're not a prostitute. You're a princess. Yeah, no, no you're a good princess. Seriously, no, you're a princess who donates to charity, and you started your own foundation.

Donna:
I got to go.

Kevin:
Oh.

Donna:
I love you. Bye.