Peep Show, Series 2

[Jeff is knocking at the flat door]

Jeff:
Hello?

Mark:
You're not wanted here, Jeff. Get away from here.

Jeff:
I need to see Soph.

Jez:
Oh, shouldn't we just - I mean, him and Sophie, they are -

Mark:
Get away from the door, Jeff, or I will give you the broom!

Jeff:
Mark, I need to see Sophie.

Mark:
I'm gonna give you the broom, Jeff! I'm gonna broom you! [he pokes the broom handle through the letterbox] Don't worry, Soph, I'm giving him the broom!

Jez:
Mark, you can't broom him, he's my mate, he's a solid gold mate.

Jeff:
How did Soph find out about that girl in the pub, Jez?

Jez:
I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.

Jeff:
Aw, look, just let me in, mate, please, Jez! I need to see Soph!

Mark:
No, we all hate you, Jeff, You're a cocksucker! Jez told me about your fling! Your friendship's bullshit, and you're a FUCKHEAD!

Jez:
It isn't bullshit! Let him in!

Jeff:
Let me in, Jez! Please!

Jez:
(Oh God. Mark or Jeff? Jeff's proper, normal. I could make a new life. I could learn to like football and live with him and learn his ways. We'd have a laugh and I could be in the mainstream of the culture instead of lying like a freak in our weird puddle.) Oh fuck, I can't do it. I can't do it, Jeff! I can't do it.

Mark:
[stops] HAHAHAHA! YOU LOSE, JEFF! YOU LOSE! How dangerous am I now, eh?!?

Sophie:
Let him in, Mark.

Mark:
[stunned] ...Sophie, you - you don't need to do this! There are places you can go to! Women's refuges!

Sophie:
Just open the door, we need to talk.

[She opens the door to join Jeff]

Jez:
Jeff, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to -

[Jeff flips him off as they leave]

Jez:
[closes the door] Brilliant, Mark. My mate and your woman have just gone off to fuck each other. What are we gonna do now? Go and make a tent in the living room and eat Dairylea? Is that what you want? Because that's what's gonna happen.