Peep Show, Series 2

Jez:
There's only so much happiness in the world and they're hoarding it all!

Mark:
That's not how happiness works! (It completely is.)

Mark:
What do I know about love and happiness? I know you have to play dirty, my friend.

Mark:
(Yeah, f*** carrot and stick, he's making the stick out of carrot.)

Mark:
(Careful, there's man love and there's business love, and never the twain shall meet.)

Mark:
(Yeah, you won't be so cocky Jeff, when I come into the office with a Kalashnikov and 200 rounds of ammunition. I'm probably exactly the kind of person who could end up doing something like that.)

Mark:
Dancing? Y-yes... dancing... I love... dancing... (It makes me look like a coma victim being stood up and zapped with a cattle prod.)

Jez:
(God, this is such a mess. It's fantastic.)

Jez:
Maybe I should send her a bit of ear. Or a finger. Just to show I'm really serious.

Mark:
(I've walked into my own personal nightmare. Must remain non-uptight for Sophie. Even if they make me play trust exercises with their genitals.)

Jez:
(Jesus, Mark's such a honky. I'm definitely the alpha-est male here. He's probably here for community service. He looks like he's actually getting a bonk on. I'm definitely king of the hippie jungle.)

Mark:
Look, Jez, what I'm trying to say is, for better or worse, the sixties happened and now sex is fine. But can't we take the best of that--the nice music, the colors, the I Have A Dream, et cetera--but not have to face the ... squalor?

Jez:
Who needs romance when you're doing it up the bum?

Nancy:
You can't imagine your mum having sex with a black man? That's pretty racist, Jeremy!

Mark:
(If I want to act relaxed, it's going to take all my cunning, skill, and concentration.)

Mark:
(I wonder which of my treasured possessions they'll be putting in each others anuses tonight.)

Mark:
(God it's so easy being a freak. No wonder they're ten a penny. I should get extra marks for not feeling a f***ing thing.)

Nancy:
This place is amazing, Gwyn. How can you afford it all?

Gwyn:
Well I guess I've just been very lucky. Money's an energy and lots of it has always flowed towards me. Particularly after my parents died.

Jez:
Cosmic.

Jez:
(You're not going to out-hippie me you f***ing hippie.)

Mark:
(God it's happening. It's Woodstock. It's Altamont. It's My Lai.)

Mark:
(I'm Louis Theroux. I'm Louis Theroux with his wry smile at the orgy.)

Mark:
(Sure, an orgy sounds great, but you're basically just multiplying the number of people you're not going to be able to look in the eye afterwards.)

Jez:
(This is good. This is like watching a porno, except I can't see anything, I haven't got a hard-on, and I want to cry.)

Mark:
We have something special. Not my words, yours. We can't throw that all away just because I ... spy on you ... can we!?

[Jez approaches an acquaintance from school]

Jez:
Gog!

Gog:
Jeremy! What are you doing here?

Jez:
Wouldn't you like to know, you big prick!

[Jez twists Gog's nipple]

Jez:
Remember that time we made you wank off Percy's dog for a fiver?

Mark:
(He hasn't got any massage oil. He's trying to make me obsess about massage oil. And it's worked!)

Jez:
Is that? ... Oh my god it is! It's Gog!

Mark:
Who's Gog?

Jez:
It's Gog! In school, if you had to sneeze, you'd run up and do it in his face.

Super Hans:
I'll tell you what, that crack is really moreish.

Gog:
Hey, you know what I fancy right now? A kebab. Will you go down and get me a kebab?

Jez:
[pause] You want me to...

Gog:
I want a kebab.

Jez:
What ... really?

Gog:
[laughing] No-o! Why, were you gonna go and get me one?

[Everyone laughs at Jez]

Jez:
No...

Gog:
I can't believe you were gonna go and get me a kebab!

Jez:
I wasn't!

Gog:
[Stops laughing] Well, I want one now.

Jez:
Right... really?

Gog:
[laughs again] No-o! I'm shitting you, Jez! Jesus!

Mark:
Jeremy, what is Super Hans doing?

Jeremy:
[observes Super Hans] He's honking on his crackpipe.

Mark:
Crack! Jeremy! I have company!

Jeremy:
Relax Mark, everyone does drugs nowadays. "Look at Me, I'm Mark. I'm dying on a street in an Advert in the 80s."

Super Hans:
What we really need to do is create a powerful sense of dread.

[Plays a long, low note on the keyboard]

Super Hans:
See, the longer the note... the more dread!

Jez:
(Useless...all useless. I wish they were all robots...I wish I were a robot...maybe I could punch through a wall...)

Mark:
[Jeremy and Super Hans are trying to intimidate Gog] There, we have our answer. Can we please leave!?

Super Hans:
We have to hurt him now, out of principal. Hit him with the f***ing bat Jez.

Jeremy:
Why do I have to hit him? Punch him with the glove.

Super Hans:
Punch him? [holds up baseball glove] I can't even make a fist.

Jez:
The only reason I don't go to church is that, for me, everything's a church. This room is my church, the hall is my church... Cost Cutters is a bloody cathedral.

Mark:
(I've shot you Jeff. With a bullet made of Scottish finance regulations.)

Nancy:
Why don't they ever talk about all the buses that made it safely?

Mark:
Yes, I suppose the news should just be a dispassionate account of all the events of the day - except it would take forever.

Mark:
I can take a joke as well as anyone, but if it happens again I'm taking it to a f***ing industrial tribunal

Jez:
(Come on, smile - you don't know I've got an ulterior motive for doing this.)

Jez:
(She probably has really nice kidneys. Yeah, I'd f*** those kidneys real good.)

Mark:
(She knows about cubits, she's not comfortable in her own skin, she's one of me!)

Mark:
(Do a Columbo, do a Columbo.) [To shoe shop assistant] Just remind me, which university was it April's gone to again?

Assistant:
Dartmouth.

Mark:
Dartmouth, of course. Dartmouth. Thanks. (Good old Columbo. Just the one technique, of course. Still, shits on Quincy.)

Jez:
I thought you did do Ancient History.

Mark:
I did business studies Jeremy. For three years. And I spoke with you about it daily.

Jez:
(I could tell him that's all ancient history now. He probably wouldn't like that joke.)

Jez:
Oh well, that's all ancient history now!

[Mark looks unimpressed]

Super Hans:
The secret ingredient [waves hand] is crime.

Jez:
Stealing things just makes everything very cheap. Plus, you know how I feel about capitalism.

Mark:
Yes, confused.

Jez:
There's no quim likes to party...

Mark:
...like the quim down in Darty!

April:
Who's your tutor?

Mark:
[scanning noticeboard behind her] (Netball, Keyser Söze, MacLeish!)

Mark:
You don't walk into the jaws of death--that's common knowledge!

Mark:
I'm gonna leave a tenner and a note.

Mark:
I'm dangerously close to getting what I want. Feels a bit weird.

Mark:
At least I didn't have to watch her recoil at my scrotal scar.

Mark:
(Is that it? Is that how easy it is to steal some education? Bloody hell, who's in charge? The world's just people walking around, going in to rooms and saying things. It's all a big swizzle!)

Mark:
(Oh God she is just so lovely and she doesn't even realize it. Probably no one's ever told her. I should tell her!! No, don't tell her. If she realizes, I'm finished.)

Jez:
So these are just rows and rows of books you don't like? Do you spend a lot of time not reading them?

Professor:
(Angry) I think you've said enough, friend.

Jez:
He's not a mature student, he's been a loan manager for the last five years. He lives with me and he eats ready meals and we play 'Guess the Revels' and watch Men In Black on our massive telly and we have a f***ing. Good. Time.

Mark:
[As Jez and Mark leave] (This is okay....it's just one of those things that will haunt me forever.)

Mark:
If you can't have sex with the monkey, make friends with the organ-grinder.

Jez:
Right. You didn't, did you? Try to have sex with a monkey?

Jez:
You do realise I'm bored, Mark? I'm dangerously bored. Today I even considered doing that thing that that MP and Michael Hutchence did. You know. [Mimes putting a rope around his neck and masturbating]

Mark:
And if you do do that, don't do it in here. The hook's almost off the wall as it is.

Jez:
No Mark. I only told you for a laugh. You promised not to tell.

Mark:
Hitler promised not to invade Czechoslovakia, Jeremy. Welcome to the real world!

Jez:
But you said... what about your mum's life?

Mark:
What does that even mean!? What are you going to do, KILL her?

Mark:
(I have entered the abyss. I've bought a house in the abyss. I'm getting my post forwarded to the abyss.)

Jez:
So I was gonna twat this geezer, and then it turns out they were both Polish!

Mark You were going to 'twat' a 'geezer'? Were you playing the 'Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels' video game?

Mark:
(Yep, civilization is definitely doomed.)

Mark:
I've been turning this thing over and over in my head like a bloody horrible pancake.

[Mark consoles Sophie after she breaks up with Jeff.]

Mark:
Does... does he beat you, Soph?

Sophie:
God, no. He broke a plate once, but...

Mark:
Does he come at you with a stick, Soph?

Sophie:
No, never. It's nothing like that.

Mark:
He does beat you though, mentally. And with his hands and with his fists.

Sophie:
No.

Jeremy:
Hey, Soph. You alright?

Sophie:
Yeah, just getting my head together.

Mark:
Oh God, your head - is it okay!?

Mark:
We all hate you Jeff! You're a cocksucker!

Mark:
I'm giving you the broom Jeff!

Jeremy:
Brilliant, Mark. My mate and your woman have just gone off to f*** each other. What are we gonna do now? Go and make a tent in the living room and eat Dairylea? Is that what you want? Because that's what's gonna happen.

[discussing their marriage of convenience]

Nancy:
You realise its only going to be an administrative procedure?

Jez:
The happiest administrative procedure of our lives!

Jez:
Oh don't marry those gays, Nancy. Marry me!

Mark:
You do realise it's me you're talking to, not some Italian builder.

Mark:
(Maybe it'll go really well and I'll have a double wedding with Jeremy on Friday. Oh god. She's coming over. Must... Think... Words... Funny words.)

Karen:
Hi there

Mark:
Hi, hi, say isn't it funny all the coffee, what's with all the coffee? Listen I'm just going to go over to my stupid friend and grrr, give her a good shake, but if you ever want to call me about anything then I'm in the book, Mark Corrigan (Too formal, lighten things up [winks at her]. Light, not slimey, ohhh can't retract the wink...unless...[winks a few times]) See you (Brilliant - the twitching freak, works every time)

Karen:
Hey Mark, how's it going?

Mark:
Hey Karen, pretty good, and you?

Karen:
Good thanks

Mark:
It was good to see you in Gino's. Got over the twitch by the way. Next time I have acupuncture, I'll get someone else to do it for me. [Karen giggles] (Hey! Look at me go, I'm charming!) Yeah so sorry if I was acting a bit weird, I guess I just wanted to see if you might want to hang out sometime?

Karen:
Well that sounds nice

Mark:
(I'm a natural! Maybe I should try it on someone better looking.)

Mark:
(This is just not normal. Someone has got to do something. He's just going to stand there doing nothing like Jeff's the invading Chinese army. They're women, that old get out. Oh god, it's got to be me.)

Mark:
(Great. The woman you love has been single for only a few seconds and you've already found her a nice new boyfriend. Nice job, Mr F***ing Stupid.)

Super Hans:
She's got trouble written right through her. Like a stick of Brighton rock.

Super Hans:
Where might you find a diphthong?

Mark:
It's an element of speech.

Super Hans:
Where might you find one?

Mark:
In a word?

[as Jez walks up the aisle]

Mark:
(I tried. I failed. Got to let him make his own mistakes. Just like Dad with me and the strimmer.)

Mark:
(Got to stick it out. Keep being charming to Sophie, stay cold and unfriendly to Karen, without breaking social convention.)

Mark:
(Brilliant. Probably looks like I was going to punch him, when actually I was going to use the Buddhist as a human shield).

Mark:
(Public humiliation. Welcome to my world, Jeff. Although personally I wouldn't have picked that dress to cry on.)

Jez:
Do you think maybe, if I plead and plead and plead, she'll forget all about it and things will go back to like before?

Mark:
Honestly?

Jez:
Quite honestly. Not brutally honestly.

Mark:
Then... yeah, absolutely.

Mark:
The jaws of death are best avoided --that's common knowledge!

[Jeff is knocking at the flat door]

Jeff:
Hello?

Mark:
You're not wanted here, Jeff. Get away from here.

Jeff:
I need to see Soph.

Jez:
Oh, shouldn't we just - I mean, him and Sophie, they are -

Mark:
Get away from the door, Jeff, or I will give you the broom!

Jeff:
Mark, I need to see Sophie.

Mark:
I'm gonna give you the broom, Jeff! I'm gonna broom you! [he pokes the broom handle through the letterbox] Don't worry, Soph, I'm giving him the broom!

Jez:
Mark, you can't broom him, he's my mate, he's a solid gold mate.

Jeff:
How did Soph find out about that girl in the pub, Jez?

Jez:
I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.

Jeff:
Aw, look, just let me in, mate, please, Jez! I need to see Soph!

Mark:
No, we all hate you, Jeff, You're a cocksucker! Jez told me about your fling! Your friendship's bullshit, and you're a FUCKHEAD!

Jez:
It isn't bullshit! Let him in!

Jeff:
Let me in, Jez! Please!

Jez:
(Oh God. Mark or Jeff? Jeff's proper, normal. I could make a new life. I could learn to like football and live with him and learn his ways. We'd have a laugh and I could be in the mainstream of the culture instead of lying like a freak in our weird puddle.) Oh fuck, I can't do it. I can't do it, Jeff! I can't do it.

Mark:
[stops] HAHAHAHA! YOU LOSE, JEFF! YOU LOSE! How dangerous am I now, eh?!?

Sophie:
Let him in, Mark.

Mark:
[stunned] ...Sophie, you - you don't need to do this! There are places you can go to! Women's refuges!

Sophie:
Just open the door, we need to talk.

[She opens the door to join Jeff]

Jez:
Jeff, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to -

[Jeff flips him off as they leave]

Jez:
[closes the door] Brilliant, Mark. My mate and your woman have just gone off to fuck each other. What are we gonna do now? Go and make a tent in the living room and eat Dairylea? Is that what you want? Because that's what's gonna happen.