Red vs. Blue, Season 1

Sarge:
Hurry up, ladies. This ain't no ice cream social!

Simmons:
Ice cream social?

Sarge:
Stop the pillow talk, you two. Anyone want to guess why I gathered you here today?

Grif:
Uhh... is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?

Sarge:
[sarcastically] That's exactly it, Private. War's over, we won; turns out you're the big hero and we're going to hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float, and Simmons here is in charge of confetti!

Grif:
I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir.

Sarge:
God damn it private! Shut your mouth or else I'll have Simmons slit your throat while you're asleep.

Simmons:
Oh I'd do it, too.

Sarge:
I know you would Simmons. Good man. Couple of things today, ladies. Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.

Grif:
Crap, we're getting a rookie.

Sarge:
That's right, dead man. Our new recruit will be here within the week, but today we received the first part of our shipment from Command. Lopez, bring up the vehicle.

[Lopez drives up in a new jeep]

Simmons:
Shotgun.

Grif:
Shotgun... Fuck!

Sarge:
May I introduce our new Light-Reconnaissance Vehicle. It has 4-inch armor plating, MAG bumper suspension, a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentlemen! This is the M12 LRV! I like to call it the "Warthog".

Simmons:
Why "Warthog", Sir?

Sarge:
Because "M12 LRV" is too hard to say in conversation, son.

Grif:
No, but, why "Warthog"? I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig...

Sarge:
Say that again?

Grif:
I think it looks more like a puma.

Sarge:
What in Sam Hell is a "puma"?

Simmons:
Uhh, you mean like the shoe company?

Grif:
No, like a puma. It's a big cat, like a lion.

Sarge:
You're making that up.

Grif:
I'm telling you, it's a real animal!

Sarge:
Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.

Simmons:
Yes, sir!

Sarge:
Look, see these two tow hooks? They look like tusks, and what kind of animal has tusks?

Grif:
...A walrus.

Sarge:
Didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?!