Roseanne, Season 6

Darlene:
D.J., I bought you your video games yesterday- you keep your mouth shut about David, or you die.

D.J.:
(defensively) O.K. (pause) Why is David here, anyway?

Darlene:
(takes a soda from her fridge) Because he couldn't stand your smell either.

D.J.:
No- really, why is he here?

Darlene:
Because we wanted to be together.

D.J.:
(confused) Why?

Darlene:
Because we... do. (smirks) When you have a girlfriend someday- or, a really good blow-up doll- you'll understand.

D.J.:
... Do you guys have sex?

Darlene:
(smirks, then acts defensive)... That is not for you to know!

D.J.:
I'll tell Mom about David.

Darlene:
All right- all right, D.J. I'm gonna level with you and talk to you like you're an adult. No- David and I are not having sex.

D.J.:
They told us at school: If you don't want a baby, you better use birth control.

Darlene:
(pause, then walks past him and sits down)... No, no- this conversation is not happening.

D.J.:
Do you use birth control?

Darlene:
(sarcastic) Yes, D.J.- we keep a picture of you right next to the bed.

D.J.:
(comes over and sits next to her on the bed) You're not ever coming home again, are you?

Darlene:
You should be so lucky.

D.J.:
(annoyed) It's all different now!

Darlene:
(frowns) What is?

D.J.:
Everything. Becky just cares about Mark, and you're gone.

Darlene:
(pause, then smiles) Well, gee, Deej- I never thought you'd actually miss me. (puts her arm around his shoulder and ruffles his hair) You want me to, like, sit on your head or something?

D.J.:
Mmm- nah, maybe later.