Roseanne, Season 6

Darlene:
Is it OK if David takes me to school?

Dan:
Did you ask your mother?

Darlene:
Yeah.

Roseanne:
I'm OK with it, how about you, Dan?

Dan:
Sure, what the hell.

Darlene:
Thanks, Dad.

Roseanne:
Are you sure? I mean you had like the whole day planned.

Dan:
I'll just get drunk and watch the football game. I'm flexible.

Roseanne:
God, I hate when you do this, Dan. Your daughter comes in here and walks all over your feelings and you act like it doesen't hurt you at all. Everyone can see how upset you are and here you are, hiding all your feelings in the stupid cake. Now you've ruined dessert! [throws away cake Dan was eating]

Dan:
...I didn't think I'd take it that hard.

Roseanne:
All human beings connect sex and love....except for men.

[DJ is on the phone]

DJ:
uh-huh....uh-huh...uh-huh. (hangs up)

Roseanne:
Oh, isn't that sweet. My son just closed his first drug deal.

Darlene:
 :[on phone with DJ's teacher] yes, this is Mrs. Conner. Yeah, DJ is sick. Oh, its a stomach bug. We all have it. In fact, I feel like I have to throw up right now. Oh, don't worry, it's a cordless, you can come along.

Roseanne:
Y'know, you think Darlene's helping you out, but she really isn't; she's telling me everything. This whole thing is just a big plan that we worked out to set you up.

D.J.:
No it isn't!

Roseanne:
How can you be sure?

D.J.:
'Cause Darlene told me you'd say that. [leaves]

Roseanne:
[under her breath] Daaaaamn.

Darlene:
Yes, this is Mrs. Conner. No, he hasn't been able to make it, he's been very sick.

(switches to the other line, where Fred hands the phone to Roseanne)

Roseanne:
Don't mess with the master, Darlene. You guys are in so much trouble, I am going to make you wish I was never born. Oh, and by the way, I know that you and David made up, too.

Darlene:
How'd you find out?

Roseanne:
'Cause you just told me.

Roseanne:
D.J., come on! I'm walking you to school today.

D.J.:
(sees Roseanne in her robe): Oh no, you're not going in that, are you?

Roseanne:
Oh no D.J., I wouldn't do that to you. But I would do...(take off her robe to reveal trashy hillbilly clothes) this! And look, I found your old Sesame Street lunchbox so you won't have to be embarrassed with those big brown bags anymore. Oh, my, just a minute, wait one minute here, this...(takes out lipstick and coats her mouth with it; D.J. is completely horrified while Jackie is laughing) is for when I kiss you goodbye. Okay, come on, we've got to hurry, 'cause I've got to make it up to Chicago to surprise your sister. I want to get there in time for one of her big classes. I'm going to dance for them!

[Roseanne gets an egg from the fridge]

Roseanne:
THIS is your brain. [sits it on the table] Dan, a pan. [Dan stands up and gets a pan, then hands it to her] And THIS is your brain on drugs.

[crushes the egg with the pan, making the egg messy]

David:
Got it.

Jackie [sitting in the bathtub]:
Is this the sink? Am I shrinking?

Roseanne:
(pulls back shower curtain) Oh hi, Jackie! We thought you...you went home.

Jackie:
Why me? I got nothing. No boyfriend, no meaningful job, no husband, no family, it's just me. It's just me and my ganja.

DJ:
(knocks on bathroom door) Mom?

Jackie:
The jig is up! (pulls back shower curtain)

Dan:
DJ. Deejay. Deeejay. DJ...DJ....did you ever notice how weird that sounds? DJ...

Roseanne:
Shhh! Dan, maintain. WHAT DO YOU WANT DJ?

Darlene:
I don't smoke pot. It dulls my hatred.

Jackie:
Hold on, Roseanne, I have something to tell my mother. I'm pregnant. I went out with a guy I hardly know, we had sex for hours, and I'm pregnant. And I'm not going to marry him! I'm keeping the baby, and if it's a girl I'm naming it Gidget.

Bev:
And what if it's a boy? How 'bout that drummer you were so crazy about...Bongo?

Darlene:
D.J.'s finally got a friend that's not imaginary!

Darlene:
Trust me, he goes in that room 'cause it's the only one with a lock on it, and he's in there for like an hour at a time. Which means he's either really, really good at it or really really bad at it!

Roseanne:
Well I don't want you to give him any grief about this, y'know, 'cause you could traumatize him and turn him into a serial killer!

Darlene:
Well, don't worry, how much damage could he do with only one free hand?

Roseanne:
Let's talk about DJ's school.

Darlene:
Yeah, I heard he got caught playing with his instrument in band.

DJ:
I'm not in band, stupid!

Roseanne:
OK, next subject. Dan, how was work?

Dan:
Well, today was a special one for me. It was the 179th day in a row where I did exactly the same thing!

Darlene:
Well, DJ over here is well on his way to shattering that record.

Roseanne:
Oh, he's using my Cosmo! That makes me, like, his dealer.

Darlene:
Trust me, this is not a time when a boy needs his mother.

Phyllis Zimmer:
Did Roseanne ever find out about us?

Dan:
Yes. [points to his teeth] False, false, crown, bridge.

Roseanne:
I cannot believe they replaced that Darrin.

Jackie:
It was a hit show. They knew they could get away with anything.

Becky:
(Sarah Chalke) I like the second Darrin much better.

Jackie:
Glad you could make it, Fred.

Fred:
Well, with sixteen cousins, my family could use the extra room at the kids' table.

Jackie:
[to Roseanne] Sixteen cousins, I didn't know Fred had sixteen cousins.

Fred:
We're a fertile people, Jackie. Guess I don't need to tell you that.

Dan:
You know, Fred, us being here is making it very hard for them to talk about us behind our back. To the living room, for football.

Jackie:
[to Roseanne, as Fred and Dan leave] No family for Thanksgiving, huh? Stop trying to shove us together.

Roseanne:
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the two of you have already been shoved together.

Roseanne:
You were pregnant with me before you married Dad?!

Nana Mary:
Damn right she was. Well, we always lied about the day she got married. She got married June 1952, and you were born in November 1952. Do a little math.

Bev:
You are not senile, you're just mean. You promised me that you would never tell them! [Leaves in hysterics through the kitchen] No one in this whole family cares about me! My children don't love me! You don't love me! I'm all alone! Alone!!!

Roseanne:
I'm going after her, Dan. Release the dogs!

Fred:
You okay, Jackie?

Jackie:
Outta my way, Fred. I'm not missin' this.

Dan:
Yeah, Fred, we're quite a family. Now that you've gotten one of us pregnant, it's too late to escape! [laughs maniacally]

DJ:
(on phone) Mark hit Dad, and then Dad hit Mark really hard. Man, Darlene, you picked the wrong year to miss Thanksgiving.

DJ:
(on having stolen his parents' car) I was just going down the street. George dared me. Then i got stuck in the mud and couldn't get out.

Roseanne:
So you come all the way home and just go to bed and you don't even tell us about it?!

DJ:
I forgot!

Roseanne (to DJ):
I'm really sorry that I hit you, D.J. It was totally wrong, I never should have done it and I am so mad at myself for doin' it!

D.J.:
...I wanna go upstairs! (stands up)

Roseanne:
(pulls him into her lap) No! No- you can't go upstairs 'till we talk this all out. Umm...I know how you're feeling. I know you're feeling mad, and kind of embarassed, and..

DJ:
Wrong!

Roseanne:
Well, that's the way I used to feel when I got hit.

DJ:
(frowns)...Who hit you?

Roseanne:
Your grandpa hit me. A lot.

DJ:
But what'd you do wrong?

Roseanne:
I don't know, maybe I breathed or something.

D.J.:
Did you hate him?

Roseanne:
(pause) Yeah, sometimes. You know, 'cause, uh, the worse thing was that he never ever said he was sorry for any of it, you know? (her voice breaks) But...I don't want you hating me, DJ. I'm really sorry that I hit you- and no matter what, I'm never gonna hit you again, ever.

D.J.:
No matter what I do?

Roseanne:
Yeah, no matter what you do.

D.J.:
(pause) I'm sorry you got hit.

Roseanne:
I'm sorry you got hit, too- BIG sorry, like- like "now-would-be-a-great-time-to-ask-me-for-a-new-puppy" kind of sorry. (D.J. laughs and gives her a hug)

Darlene:
D.J., I bought you your video games yesterday- you keep your mouth shut about David, or you die.

D.J.:
(defensively) O.K. (pause) Why is David here, anyway?

Darlene:
(takes a soda from her fridge) Because he couldn't stand your smell either.

D.J.:
No- really, why is he here?

Darlene:
Because we wanted to be together.

D.J.:
(confused) Why?

Darlene:
Because we... do. (smirks) When you have a girlfriend someday- or, a really good blow-up doll- you'll understand.

D.J.:
... Do you guys have sex?

Darlene:
(smirks, then acts defensive)... That is not for you to know!

D.J.:
I'll tell Mom about David.

Darlene:
All right- all right, D.J. I'm gonna level with you and talk to you like you're an adult. No- David and I are not having sex.

D.J.:
They told us at school: If you don't want a baby, you better use birth control.

Darlene:
(pause, then walks past him and sits down)... No, no- this conversation is not happening.

D.J.:
Do you use birth control?

Darlene:
(sarcastic) Yes, D.J.- we keep a picture of you right next to the bed.

D.J.:
(comes over and sits next to her on the bed) You're not ever coming home again, are you?

Darlene:
You should be so lucky.

D.J.:
(annoyed) It's all different now!

Darlene:
(frowns) What is?

D.J.:
Everything. Becky just cares about Mark, and you're gone.

Darlene:
(pause, then smiles) Well, gee, Deej- I never thought you'd actually miss me. (puts her arm around his shoulder and ruffles his hair) You want me to, like, sit on your head or something?

D.J.:
Mmm- nah, maybe later.

Bev:
Roseanne, your Christmas decorations outside were appalling. The Wise Men are supposed to be adoring the baby Jesus, not leering at Mrs. Claus.

Roseanne:
Of course they're leering at her. She's wearing one of those Bunz outfits.

Bev:
And what on earth are those shepherds doing to the flock?

Dan:
Grazing them. Well, it's time to turn on our simple white lights. [He puts on sunglasses and opens the door] Mother Harris, won't you join us?

[Dan, D.J., and Bev go outside. Roseanne hangs the "beer can" wreath on the door, turns the lights off inside, and joins them. The lights are turned on as a very bright light pours into the house.]

Bev:
What is Santa Claus doing?

Roseanne:
Well, he's just telling the whole neighborhood that Christmas is number one. Hit the music, Dan.

[Dogs barking "Jingle Bells" plays.]

Dan:
Oh we've just gotta have that kid over more often. He makes our other kids look less odd!

Roseanne:
I think every kid on earth looks less odd next to Elijah Minnelli.

Dan:
[starts kicking his legs and singing "New York, New York"] "Start spreadin' the news..."

Roseanne:
That's Elijah with a J!

Roseanne:
[to Becky] Men need to be molded. [watches Dan drink milk from the carton] Think of them not as lumps of clay, but... as lumps.

Dan:
[burps] Outta milk. [sets the empty milk carton down on the table and leaves]

Becky:
Shhh! Mark's reading.

Roseanne:
Oh well, I hate to ruin the ending of it for ya, Mark, but he eats the Green Eggs and Ham.

Mark:
I'm studying upstairs. [leaves in a huff]

Becky:
Don't pick on him, Mom. He's really doing it this time. We've spent all day working together. I can't believe how much he's learned.

Roseanne:
Well, does this mean that we'll have to stop spellin' stuff out that we don't want him to know about?

Roy:
So you want something to drink?

Roseanne:
Yeah thanks, I think a tumbler of penicillin would really hit the spot.

Dan:
You wanna order a pizza?

Roy:
#3 on the speed-dial.

Dan:
Excellent!

[Darlene and David walk into the apartment to find Roseanne and Mark waiting for them]

Roseanne:
Hi, David. I found this, uh, pen, is it yours?

David:
[scared] Um...no.

Roseanne:
Oh, OK. Well, I'll be going then. ... Oh wait a minute, I forgot to shred the crap outta you two!

Darlene:
Mom...

Roseanne:
No, you're not talking. You're not talking for a very long time. And you better sit down, 'cause this is gonna take a while.

Mark:
Hey, Dave-o.

David:
Hey, Mark.

David:
Ever since you caught me at Darlene's, youve been treating me like a dog.

Roseanne:
The beauty of a working dog is that they don't get put to sleep.

David:
I didn't move in with my mom, I moved in with Darlene in Chicago. And I know it was wrong and a stupid thing to do and it will never happen again, and I'm sorry (Dan stands up, frightening him) VERY sorry.

Dan:
(yelling loudly) You ungrateful little BASTARD!!!

Dan:
[to Fred] Damn women! Who the hell do they think they are?

Roseanne:
[entering room] We're sugar and spice and everything nice. So bite me!

Roseanne:
You're in big trouble, and your punishment is not going to be sex with your boyfriend!

Darlene:
Well obviously, you've never had sex with my boyfriend.

David:
You know, it's a good thing I'm not living with my abusive mother.

Jackie:
You're dropping it so I'll think you're a really great guy and agree to go out with you again. When are you gonna accept the fact that I don't want anything to do with you?

Fred:
When are you gonna accept the fact that I accepted that fact a long time ago? I just wanna see my kid once in a while.

Jackie:
Yeah, well, once in a while turns into all the time. And who do you see when you see the baby? Me, and you end up attached to my life. It's so obvious!

Roseanne:
Okay, so let me get this straight here. When Fred was suing you, that's because he wants to be with you, right? Then when he drops the lawsuit, that's because he wants to be with you, too, right? So everything on Earth that Fred ever does is because he wants to be with you.

Jackie:
Yes.

Roseanne:
Well, you better hope that kid's head ain't as big as yours.

Nancy:
I don't think you'd have such a great time there.

Jackie:
Sound's like fun.

Nancy:
It's a gay bar.

Jackie:
Okey-dokey.

Roseanne:
Well, Jackie, it doesn't bother us if it's gay.

Nancy:
Well, it might. Friday is convert-a-hetero night.

Jackie:
Well, I'm not going to feel comfortable there. What if everybody there thinks I'm gay?

Roseanne:
Well then you could just think they're gay right back at them.

D.J.:
Did your water break when you had me?

Roseanne:
By the time I had you, everything was broken.

Bev:
Have you thought about names?

Jackie:
No, I haven't decided yet. Here I am, about to give birth and I haven't even decided on a name for my baby.

Bev:
Oh, now don't get all worked up. Just name it the first thing that comes into your mind. You can always change it later.

Jackie:
You can't change it later.

Bev:
Well, of course you can. We don't call you Marjorie, do we?

Jackie:
Why would you call me Marjorie?

Bev:
Because that used to be your name, only Roseanne couldn't pronounce it. She kept calling you "My Jackie." We thought it was so cute. We all started calling you My Jackie, and after a while, you just became Jackie.

Jackie:
My name...used to be Marjorie.

Bev:
Yes. It probably still is; I think that's what's written on your birth certificate.

Jackie:
You don't even know my own name? You're supposed to be my mother!

Bev:
We told you all this years ago.

Jackie:
No, you never told! No, never, never, never, never, never told me that.

Bev:
Now, Jackie, don't upset yourself. It's no big deal.

Jackie:
"It's no big deal"?! It's my name! You go ask a thousand people if they think that's a big deal, they're gonna say yes, that is a very big deal!

Bev:
Or was it Mary Jane?

Fred:
All right, how many people did you date before you met me?

Jackie:
Well, do you mean dated at all or dated seriously?

Fred:
I mean seriously.

Jackie:
Oh, I'd say only a few.

Fred:
Good... not that I mind if you've slept with lots of guys...

Jackie:
Oh, well slept with! [chuckles] That's not what you asked me.

Fred:
Well I guess not.

Jackie:
Fred, it's not that many. I'd say three a year.

Fred:
Since you were what? Eighteen?

Jackie:
[thinks] Okay, we'll go with that. [Fred looks discouraged] Come on Fred, it's not THAT many! Let's see, three a year for 20 years is... 60... wow.

Fred:
Wow... I don't even know 60 people...

Jackie:
Well... I didn't know all of them.

Mark:
Man, I hate tests.

Darlene:
Oh this one's different. When you're done with this one, you don't hand the nurse a plastic cup.

(Roseanne's talking to Jackie about Dan's reaction to his mother being admitted into a mental institution)

Jackie:
Maybe he was ashamed.

Roseanne:
Ashamed? He's been married to me for 21 years. You'd think he'd be numbed to shame by now.

Jackie:
I don't know, Roseanne. It is kinda bad. I mean his mom beat our mom to the loony bin.

Darlene:
Only in our family could somebody be nuts for 20 years and nobody notices.

Roseanne:
Oh, we notice, Darlene. We're just ignoring you.

D.J.:
I just had some questions about God and stuff.

Roseanne:
Well why didn't you come to us if you had questions? There are no two better people to answer your questions than me and your dad.

D.J.:
OK...What religion are we?

Roseanne:
I have no idea...Dan?

Dan:
Well... my family was Pentecostal on my mom's side, Baptist on my dad's. Your mom's mom was Lutheran and her dad was Jewish.

D.J.:
So what do we believe?

Roseanne:
Well...we believe in...being good. So basically, we're good people.

Dan:
Yeah, but we're not practicing.

D.J.:
It's wrong to use swear words, right? So how come you swear so much?

Roseanne:
Well, because... um... sometimes it's real hard not to, you know. But... if I swore as much as I wanted to, I'd never say anything else... so... so, you see, I'm- I'm using restraint, and God loves that.

Darlene:
You wanna know why I swear, D.J.?

D.J.:
Yeah, why?

Darlene:
Shut the hell up!

D.J.:
Doesn't Leon know that you got another stove before this one?

Roseanne:
Of course not!

D.J.:
But you said it was only okay with God to cheat a big company who cheated you. But you weren't giving Leon any of his money.

Roseanne:
Listen to me, D.J. In the Bible it states, "Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's and unto God what is God's," okay; it doesn't say no damn thing about rendering nothing unto Leon!

D.J.:
But Mom...

Roseanne:
No, D.J.! Would you get off my back?! Even God took a day off!!!

Fred:
Hey Bev, do yourself a big favor. Don't get into this.

Bev:
Fred, I have every right to be involved in this. Unlike you, I am actually a member of this family.

Fred:
Well, If I ever do become a member of this family, I can tell you one thing right now—the next time you break your pelvis having sex, you're not gonna stay at our house!!!

Dan:
[as Bev gets away in horrific humiliation] If I understand this correctly, unless you had sex in the shower, none of this is my fault!

Fred:
Guess I wasn't supposed to say that...

Dan:
I uh... plan to treat Bev with the utmost sensitivity, but first, a raucous laugh. [he and Fred guffaw and slap each other five]

Roseanne:
Your idea of romance is popping the can away from my face.

Dan:
Fred told me that Jackie thinks I'm like a God.

Roseanne:
Well, that's only because you never do nothing on Sunday.

Jackie:
I don't want your opinion! I want someone who'll tell me that it's a good idea to get married, even if it's not. I'm gonna talk to Mom.

David:
Well then I'm not taking you Darlene: Why not? David: Because I got a date Darlene: You got a date? A minute ago we were engage Darlene: You're breaking up with me? David: Wait a minute! You're the one who's leaving me so you're the one who's breaking us up. Darlene: Go to hell! David: No You go to hell! Darlene: I'm not waiting till Saturday I'm leaving tomorrow Roseanne: Yeah So Do I. Darlene: I Just wanna get away from David and Get away from you. I hate this whole damn house so leave me alone, Okay. Roseanne: I gotta get something out of the car.

Bev:
Don't Blame yourself, Roseanne