South Park, Season 14

[Tom Cruise's mountain lodge]

Tom Cruise:
Guys, I wanna really thank you all for coming. Shockingly, I've just been slandered once again in the town of South Park, something I know you all can relate to.

[The 200 other celebrities begin to chatter, generally agreeing with him]

Tiger Woods:
That town just seems to be a hotbed of hatred and lies!

Bono:
I'm fed up with it! That town suggested I was made of sh*t!

Tom Cruise:
Yeah well I was just over there doing some fly-fishing, and this little boy walks up and calls me a fudge packer!

Celebrities:
That is wrong! Hohhot, that is crazy!

Tom Cruise:
I know, right? And then other kids in the town and their teacher started joining in.

Sally Struthers:
[eating chocolate cake] South Park, Colorado, is the most insensitive racist and bigoted place in this country!

George Lucas:
That town thinks they can say whatever they want about people and get away with it!

Paris Hilton:
If anybody has a gripe against that sh*thole, it's me! [spits something into a tissue, then rubs that tissue into John Travolta's crotch]

Tom Cruise:
Yeah, well I say enough. All of us together can put a stop to the slander coming from that town once and for all! No longer will they make snide remarks about whoever they want.

Celebrities:
Yeah!!

Jared:
Hey, Tom, I ate too much Subway. Where is your bathroom?

Tom Cruise:
Oh just the door down the hall there, Jared. [Jared goes to the first door and opens it] No, no, that's a that's a closet. Go down more. [Jared moves on to the next door and opens that one] No, that's a closet too. [Jared moves on to the next door across the hall and opens that one] No, Jared, that one's a closet. [Jared moves on to the next door and opens that one] No. That's a cl- [Jared moves on to the next door and opens that one] closet. [Jared moves on to the next door and opens that one] No that's a that's a closet.

[Jared runs out of door to open and looks at Tom]